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| happy thanksgiving Bob, whereever you are
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written in 1997
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB, WHERE EVER YOU ARE!
The last time I spoke to my brother Bob, he was high on crack. He called about four years ago, from a phone booth somewhere in South Central, Los Angeles. Out of it, he thought it was his birthday and he wanted money. Bob had been living in a burned out building. Daily life for him was a struggle for survival. The average life expectancy in that area is pretty low because people do not last long in that kind of environment. Daily muggings, knife fights, gun shots and over dosing are the norm. Dying of various diseases are also a strong possibility. Although he has always been a survivor, this time he is really tempting fate. Crack houses and transient hotels and living on the streets have been his way of life for ten years. By no means, is this the first time he disappeared, he has been running away from home since freshman year in high school. Every time I hear about a missing child, my heart goes out to their families. It is the not knowing, that is the worst part. When children disappear, the entire community, city, and country unite to try to find them. The media become involved, Parents appear on talk shows and pictures and posters of their children’s innocent faces are plastered everywhere. When an adult runs away, nothing happens; there is no support. The families are too embarrassed to even tell anyone. Many times a variety of excuses are offered concerning their whereabouts. It is easy to explain away a seldom seen relative, if you wish to do so. How can you receive help if no one admits there is a problem. There are many reasons why my brother ended up on the street. His life is a very sad story. Right now, I can not go into his personal circumstances. Let’s just say, he was in and out of rehabs for drug and alcohol abuse. A few times he was actually able to get his life back on track. More than once, I thought he was going to make it. He was gorgeous, a real hunk, blessed with Movie Star looks and a dazzling personality with a heart of gold!
Today, I am afraid, he does not resemble his former self. On the phone, he mentioned that he had lost most of his teeth in one fight or another. His smile used to light up a room and his laughter was contagious. Bobby lived all his days to the fullest. Because of his enthusiasm for everything, he was an unbelievable salesman with a sensitive soul.
Bob had a million friends; he knew everyone. Charm was his middle name and women were constantly falling for him while he consistently broke their hearts. The guy was very athletic, he could jump out of an airplane and ride in rodeos, build a house and cook a gourmet meal. He was an accomplished skier on snow and water and a high diver. Using those skills he could dive off a mountain on one ski, do a double back flip and land in a pool! His talent was quite impressive. If you looked up likable and fun loving in the dictionary, you would see his picture.
Family meant the world to him. He was in his glory when we were all together. Why did this happen to him? What is God’s plan? How do some of us make it while others do not?
Although my Father is heartbroken, he can not talk about my brother Bob. He told me once, that he prays for him every day. He asks God to protect him from hurting himself or others. Our friends and relatives barely mention his name. They all know he was the “black sheep” of the family and they try to act as if he never existed.
My Mother is consumed by guilt. No matter what we say, she thinks somehow she is to blame for everything. Of course she is not, but some days she is so depressed she can not see or talk to anyone. We never discuss Bob with our Parents because they deal with their grief in their own ways. It is obvious it makes my Father too uncomfortable and my Mom too sad. Regardless, all of us are shattered because a member of our family is lost. My other brother and I mourn the loss of our younger sibling each and every day. We often speak of him and wonder together where he is and what he is doing. Is he dead or alive? Is he in jail or in the hospital? Where is he and does he think about us?
Bob will be 43, June 1. My brother always made a big deal over his birthdays; they were very special to him. He insisted we have his party on the exact day of his birth, never on the closest weekend! As he grew older he would throw big elaborate parties complete with hats and decorations. I wonder what he will be doing this year?
Does he even keep track of the days or realize how much we miss him? Does he have any idea how it hurts not knowing where he is and if he is OK? Because he does not carry any identification, if something ever happened, no one would ever notify us.
Bob said we were better off thinking he has passed away. In a way he is right. How sad for him to have that thought. When someone dies you pray they are at peace, you begin to try and start the healing process. We can not have closure. It is like living with an opened wound.
His name is such a popular one. I am reminded of him every time I read Bob Green’s column in the Tribune or notice the Movie, WHAT ABOUT BOB, staring Bill Murray, in the video store. It is such a strong solid all American name; Bob Hope, Bob Dole, Bobby Knight, Robert DeNiro, Robert Redford, and Robert Wagner all have it. The list of famous Bobs is endless. My brother Bob is out there on the street somewhere and no one is looking for him. He is lost to us, yet he does not wish to be found. I never stop thinking about him, he is constantly in my thoughts.
Whenever I see a show about the homeless, I find myself searching all those empty faces trying to find a glimpse of Bob.
I have a son who reminds me so much of my little brother. He has the same laugh and twinkle in his eye. The thought of someday not knowing where he was is just too unbearable! My children will never benefit from being in Bob’s presence even though I try to keep his memory alive. They can not understand why he does not want to come home. We pray for him every night and hope he is not suffering, yet we know in our hearts, he has to be hurting. Maybe the drugs help to numb his pain.
You will not see us on talk shows or showing his picture around town, but that does not mean we are not devastated by his absence in our lives. We often hear about twins who were separated, experiencing a real physical pain. That is how we feel. An ache for my baby brother that I cannot describe never goes away.
That homeless person we see near the train station or walking around downtown is a person who at one time or another was part of a family. He had friends and a life. He could be somebody’s son or brother. He may even have a wife or children. Chances are, people still wonder and worry about him. Life is full of choices. Somewhere along the line these human beings made some bad ones. The world is not always a just place. Several of us are just luckier than others. Most of them suffer from drug or alcohol addiction that can make the most promising person throw their life away. One may have been abused or mistreated and many suffer from mental illness. Regardless, the point is, these individuals all came from somewhere.
Not all people who disconnect from their families are homeless. I was struck by the sadness of the relatives of the cult members who lost loved ones in that tragic, senseless mass suicide in San Diego. More than one of those devastated people said they had not heard from the deceased in years. Several said they had simply lost track of them. Why?
If anyone reading this has not gotten in touch with their families in a while, please do! Explanations are no longer needed, we are way beyond that now. Drop a letter in the mail or get in touch with someone, anyone, just let us know you are among the living. Holidays are especially difficult. There is such a void in our lives. Birthdays and Anniversaries are extremely painful. To Bobby and all the others like him, please know that you will always be in our hearts. We will never forget you! Happy Birthday where ever you are!
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Bob turned 53 June 1st. This was taken from a story I wrote about 10 years ago and many more chapters of Bobs life have been written. My brother Bill and I found him and lost him again quite a few times in the last 20 some years. My brother saw him right before his second son was born. Bill and his wife have 2 boys, named Billy and Bobby. another story.
Bill went looking for him near the Staple Center in LA. While talking to a security guard who was telling Bill that he was only moonlighting, his full time job was working at a homeless shelter, the man thought he knew who Bill was describing. He asked him if he had a dog and a bike, and at the time, he did. A few minutes into their conversation, Bob walked by the window in the diner where they were having coffee. Long story short, that was about 3 to 4 years ago and there is alot more to this story.
We have not even had any phone contact with him now for about a year. The fact that he was still walking the streets all this time is a miracle.
Pray for him.
The first time he ran away for more than a weekend, he had been gone about 3 months without a word. It was 1973 and he called us Thanskgiving weekend as if nothing had happened to wish my mom and dad a happy anniversary. My parents will be married 60 years the 25th of November.
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Posted by roe on 2007-11-22 00:32:16 | Rating: | Views: 792
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I too have a Bob in my family my uncle Bob, it's been over 50 years since anyone has heard from him, I was only six the last time I saw him..
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Posted by Wayne
on 2007-11-22 06:21:14
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Another great, loving tribute Roe. There's a few "Bob's" in our larger family too whom we've never had contact with in years.
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Posted by scotslad60
on 2007-11-22 06:47:23
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Just keep praying for him, that is the best thing to do.
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Posted by Forgetmeknot
on 2007-11-22 10:51:13
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Dearest Roe:
Bob will be in my prayers. I, too, have a lost brother (twin brother) who alienated himself from the family back in 1994 when my father died. I have not seen nor heard from him in so many years. I just pray and trust that the Lord is watching out for him. My twin, like Bob, had serious issues with drugs. May God keep both of them under His wings of shelter and may they hear the Lord's voice calling for His lost. Godly love to yo, Roe.
Kim
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Posted by Jesusmyvision
on 2007-11-23 15:07:04
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Prayers to all of you. I have a cousin I have not seen in about 20 years. Drugs were also a part of his problem. I can only hope and pray that he and his family, yes, he had a family when he took off and they went with him, are all doing well.
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Posted by CountryRoads
on 2007-11-25 01:10:25
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i love you mom
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Posted by blueeyed24
on 2007-11-25 13:03:40
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It feels so sad that someone with such a loving family chooses to disconnect - The prayers must be working though if he has been able to live this way for so many years. Thanks for sharing this difficult story.
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Posted by dysphorichousewife
on 2007-11-26 04:58:49
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My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to you and others for the pain and heartache you bear.....
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Posted by Alice
on 2007-11-27 17:32:47
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Roe, Your story really touches me. If not for the grace of God, I could have been Bob.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2007-12-01 20:47:06
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hungryHeart
Im so glad you are ok
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Posted by roe
on 2007-12-01 21:49:55
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thanks dysphorichhousewife
tell me about your long name
I think you are right about Bob living all this time in such a terrible and dangerous envirement. Im just a little concerned because its been so long without any word and we really would never know if anything happened. He has no Id's.
thanks eveyone
for your comments...they mean alot to me.
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Posted by roe
on 2007-12-06 22:14:46
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