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Well he and I finally talked yesterday. He started out the conversation with a tone and since I was still at work, I asked him to call me back so we could talk. He actually invited me over there to talk. But instead I told him I had things to do so I couldn't come over.
He told me he didn't understand how he owed me the money for the cell phone bill and after explaining that the money I am asking for wouldn't cover the whole bill he was fine. I also made sure he understood that I wasn't trying to be a 'b*tch"...that I simply needed to pay the bill he left me with. He calmed down and I asked him if he had any other questions because I wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. He said he didn't understand why I stormed out on Saturday night and made a scene in front of his room mate. He said he only told me to wait a minute for the money he was suppose to give me. (I find it funny that we remember what we want, no matter how far away from the truth it is!) I told him "No honey, you looked at me and told me 'You'll get the money when I'm dayum good and ready to give it to you, how about that?' and explained that I have learned my lesson from dealing with people when they are messed up on drugs/alcohol, and when he got that crappy tone, that my only choice was to walk away from him. I explained that I wasn't going to stand there for him to talk like that to me and there was no point in trying to reason with him, so I left instead, trying to avoid a battle. Then I reminded him that about a hour after that, he left me a shitty message on my voicemail and that I still wasn't going to talk to him in that state. He got quiet and said "oh" got quiet and then said "I'm sorry." I almost lost it because I wasn't expecting that from him. I'm sorry...that's all you had to say the next day. But in some weird way, I'm glad you didn't! Otherwise I would still be in this relationship with you until the next time. But hearing it made my heart break. And all I wanted to do was turn my car around and go to you. But I didn't.
It is so hard to let someone you love go when your heart is screaming for that love and attention. But I can't stand not being able to trust you. I can't stand not knowing what state your going to be in on friday's or saturday's because you just got paid and your "dealer" is at the place you get paid. I can't stand worrying about you every second you are away from me. Not obsessing, just worrying that you are going to get yourself in trouble or get hurt or hurt someone else. Just didn't think it would be me.
You had it good with me you know! My parents accepted you and took you like one of us, buying you more gifts for Christmas than me. Hell I gave you gifts and only got one from you, a late I have to get something xmas present. You constantly told me you were sorry and that you felt like a piece of crap, having not gotten me anything for my birthday or much for xmas. You were staying at my home and I was driving you around town. But in the end, all I would hear about is how you were buying things you didn't need and not getting your car fixed, and not looking into your license and if it was still valid.
I think the more people focus on the negitive of another, the easier it is to let them go. Only I know your negitive was something that was forced on you from a early age. Somethings you were taught. I mean drinking at 12?!?!?! Come on!!!
Anyways...tonight I'm suppose to bring your crap to you. We will see how this goes.
Sheila
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Posted by rocknrollprey on 2008-01-30 08:26:35 | Rating: | Views: 75
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you have very low self esteem ,you hte yourself nd you hang round losers ,because you re screaming attention from these blogs ,somone who hathes themselevs would write this journal of self pity
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Posted by dralibongo
on 2008-01-30 09:06:49
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Hmph...that is very interesting considering YOU are reading and commenting about them! Maybe that comment was about yourself...ya know! YOU have very low self esteem, you HATE yourself and you don't have any friends so you bounce around everyone's blog and try to make them feel down...You actually made me laugh.
Good one!!!
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Posted by rocknrollprey
on 2008-01-30 09:14:39
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I think you have healthy self esteem. It takes a lot of courage and strength to walk away from a guy that you know is wrong, but that you still care about. Kudos to you! and good luck when you take him his stuff tonight. Be strong!
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Posted by greencat
on 2008-01-30 17:10:34
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I could of written paragraph 3 myself(most of it)...I was wondering how the heck you got in my head for a minute.
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Posted by Lake
on 2008-01-31 08:45:22
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I suppose our situations are alike...I just write what I feel but if it gives more comfort to someone else going through the same thing, it's a good thing. Glad to know I'm not the only one out there feeling this way! :)
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Posted by rocknrollprey
on 2008-02-01 10:07:09
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