I guess before I was in denial... .total denial. I was sure we were getting back together. I was so sure. We had hugged a few times and he sent me lots of 'xxx's in his txts... i was so sure... but I just had my hope squished to the ground the other day... God, I love him so much. It hurts so bad.... I do wish I was dead. I wish I had killed myself years ago when I was going through tough shit before. I love him so much, I wish I could change the things I had done and said... I had never had experience with a long term relationship let a lone a serious boyfriend. I feel like I'm a fool. A complete fool who is going to die unhappy and lonely... He is all I want.

I can't do my uni work, I cant see friends... I can't look forward to things... I need ewan in my life. When he said he just wanted to be friends I couldnt even bare to speak to him, because I knew I would end up in hysterical tears. But after about a day, I couldnt stop myself from getting in touch with him, even if it was to give him back most of his stuff left in my flat. I thought getting rid of it would help me overcome this sadness... but it has only made it worse. he is the love of my life.... and he will always be.... I don't think I will ever find anyone like him again... I just can't see a future for me without him... He is my everything. I'm such a screw up. I wish i wasn't here. I wish I wasn't alive. 

Please, can somebody help me?! I feel so lost and alone and totally, majorly depressed.  Is there no help for me?