I awake and look at the clock and it's 7:02 and I lie there the next twenty or so minutes thinking about how I wish my husband was there with me, and the phone rings and it's him. I want to say baby please come home, but I don't. I answer and say "good morning" his reply is the same. He asks questions about car insurance or some other bullshit that doesn't mean anthing. I say do you miss me and he says,"I really do miss you ", but he doesn't say I'm sorry --forgive me--can we work it out--I want to come back home.  He makes some more small talk and we say good-bye.  I could just sense in his voice he wanted to say more but he wouldn't, so another day has passed and we are still in the same space.  I ask myself what is it that I am trying to hold on to?  He is obviously moving on and he doesn't seem to be making any attempts to reconcile.  I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning and she was talking about forgiveness.   She was saying it is very hard to forgive people that we love who have wronged us and our prayer should be to look beyond the physical and see the soul of the person, that people who mistreat others are people who have been mistreated.  When she said that I immediately wanted to call him and say " I'm sorry for throwing you out, please forgive me". I felt as though I should have dealt with finding out about his infidelity differently. How could I have done it any differently? I had been asking him for months if there was anyone else and he kept saying I was just trying to start an argument or I was entertaining local gossip or whatever. I wanted to believe him so much that I closed my eyes to the obvious and probably a lot of the anger the night we seperated was with myself. I want to let go but I am frightened. I want him back but can I ever trust him again? I want to hear him say that I was important to him? I want to hear him say I was the love of his life? Why is my self worth tied up in how he sees me? When did I lose me in this marriage? Was it when I did things for him that I wasn't comfortable  doing sexually? Was it when I allowed him to downplay my accomplishments so he could be the main attraction? When did I start to love him more than I loved me?