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Thoughts of an Aching mind

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3rd blog tonight? Yes, I know. Pretty sad.
All I can really say is that I have a million things running through my head and I just cant get myself to lay down and sleep. So here I am typing something up again.

All I seem to be thinking of right now is my boyfriend, my lack of a job, and my parents. The same 3 topics I keep talking about.

THE BOYFRIEND

My boyfriend is a sweetheart. He loves me dearly and wants to marry me someday. I feel that its so fast and soon for all this talk, we've only been together two weeks. I love him, but Im so very afraid of getting stuck with "my dad".. if you know what I mean. Hes a great guy but I already seem to be sticking to the faults in him.. Im a horrible person and possibley a worse girlfriend. Im not sure what i expect in a relationship. Maybe its my fear of a relationship that causes the problems. I guess I think he should be perfect, and no one is perfect and its soooo unfair of me to feel that way. But I love the guy. As imperfect as he is and as I am, he seems so perfect for me.

THE JOB... Lack of a job

Im soooo pissed off that Wells Fargo didnt hire me because im not qualified for the position. They must've found somebody who really kissed some ass to get the job. I just was honest and real during the TWO interviews I had. Now Im still waiting on Allsups to call and tell me I have the job. The Supervisor is trying to figure out who is better qualified. I think that means I may be over qualified for the job, since they seem to hire people that are kinda creepy and weird. Ima freak, but common, im not a crackhead. Which is what they hire, I swear.

THE DIVORCE

Is it ok to be mad at both your parents for a divorce, when its only the mother thats doing the divorcing? I guess Im not really angry with my dad, im more angry that hes just now trying to make things work with my mom and I when he could've years ago before things got this bad.

Im mad at my mom for not trying at all. For having men on the phone all the time and for being so damn obsessed with guys on the internet. She says its a midlife crisis, I do believe that. But I also think shes wanting attention and wanting to be rebellious and make her own selfish decisions. I understand that too, because thats where I am kinda at in my life right now. Shes always on the phone when Im hanging out with her, but I finally put a stop to that I think. She hasnt done that to me the past few times we hung out. Its hard seeing your mother flirt with other men when shes still married...and knowing that she should love and be loyal to my father. Divorces suck so much.

I just dont know how to feel anymore... It slike there isnt any happiness in my heart, even though I have reasons to be happy. I cant cry, I cant feel, I cant let it out. I dont know why. I guess its mostly because my heart is so hard right now. Im trying to protect myself from anything and everything. What I really want to do is just scream and yell and have a good ol fashioned fight. Just release all that anger inside of me. I guess Im hoping thats what this blogging will do for me. I havent REALLY TRULY blogged in years, or written things down. So Im trying, I really am. Thanks for readin this long thing. For those of you that do. :D

Just a few thoughts.

Cherise

Posted by reeseepc on 2009-09-26 04:12:59 | Rating:

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I have been there myself, so many times. Too many things running through my mind...just can't settle down enough to get sleep.

Re: your parents divorce. It is certainly okay to be angry at both your mom and dad for a divorce. It takes both to make it work, both to go through with it.

I wish you the best,

*Dee*

Posted by DeeinFL on 2009-09-26 07:24:40

Thanks for your comment. Yeah, its going to take some time to work through, you are right. Im hoping I become a better person for it! :D

Posted by reeseepc on 2009-09-26 16:56:16

Aw. I nodded solemnly, laughed and then nodded again. (Laughed at the only hiring crackheads part, LOL)

I know what it's like to be afraid to marry your dad. Mine was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. So I thought I'd be better dating girls. Turned out we fems are batshit crazy and I found a wonderful guy but there's still that little voice in the back of my head every single time he mimics something my father's done/does. It's awkward and unsettling and I feel terrible not judging him on his own merits but I know I'm just trying to help protect myself and I think after him seeing/living my life with my parents, he understands why I do/say/act the way I do oft times.

Lol at the job again, just for good measure. LOL hope you get the position at the other place though.

Yeah, my parents never got a divorce but it was so hard watching my mom go through what she did bc of my dad. Bankruptcies, a rainbow of abuse, fear, regret, etc. My mom never divorced though, never had it in her. I wish she had sort of because watching that all my life, I think kind of screwed up my priorities and hopes for a sound relationship. I had to work really hard not to be like them and I don't know if I would have if I had dated someone other than Jon. He had alot of patience with me.

I'm sorry your dad is only now working on things but it's better than him taking it to his grave. A day late and a dollar short but another day will come, save your buck, right?

I'm not much of a fighter so I can't help ya get all that frustration out but I got an ear and a shoulder that's yours if you ever need it. I still think you're amazing and will become strong when you get through this. <3
-Jess

Posted by Mendacious on 2009-09-26 12:48:37

You know, You are very positive even though you have gone through some struggles in your life. I love your comments and that I have someone who is nice enough to say the words.

Now that im older it seems like a divorce is kinda pointless to me... Ive already gone through all that I could've living under their roof, so really why should it make any difference to me? I dunno, I just love them both so much that its so hard to see this happened. Christmas' and all the Holidays will be so different from now on. Thats the one thing that really breaks my heart.

Anyways, thanks again girl.

Posted by reeseepc on 2009-09-26 16:58:57