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| Thinking about my life, marriage and future
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It has been a very interesting weekend. I was thinking alot and reading my book, actually finishing it and trying to make sense of my feelings. I have been wondering if I should get married again. After my latest blog and receiving a comment on it I sat down and thought more about my current life and what is going on inside of me. I have two kids, my exhusband is in prison for the past six years and I am very lonely. Not to mention that I work my butt off trying to make ends meet and I am getting depressed alot because I am not enjoying life in itself. Currently I am dating a very nice guy whom I am very fond of and he has told me that he loves me. I am unsure of everything because of my past experiences with relationships. I always gave and gave and never really got alot in return. It hurts to be treated like that and then there is that point in my life where I am asking myself: Why am I putting up with it?
So I asked myself alot of questions and tried to answer as many as I could. My b/f and I have a lot of things in common as far as everyday things like music, movies, games, food, restaurants, parenting, cars, hobbies and such. We make a great match and we enjoy each others company without nagging or yelling for unnecessary reasons like I have done so before in my past relationships. I love cooking and he loves it and we compliment each other in parenting, kitchen chores and small things like helping the kids with homework. His family loves me and I am happy to be around them. When they ask him to do something and it would interfere with our day together than we make other arrangements cuz I know that family comes first. He also respects when I have prior engagements like birthday parties or the need for a day alone. We try to talk to one another every day. Our work schedule and after hour activities are not always the same and we try to plan around it as much as we can. We worked out one day a week: Dinnerdate at my house!!!  I cook and he helps my daughter and son with their homework, then we talk and enjoy each other a bit before he leaves to go back home. We are very happy with this arrangement and try to see each other on other days like an afternoon on saturdays or friday nite movie nite. So far we have done great. Yeay!!!
I did notice how I get lonely when we don't see each other for a while and I get a little depressed. In the past (before I met my current b/f) I have spent alot of time alone with books, tv and old flames just to pass the time. But I am not the same person now and my past is my past and I told myself that I want a better future. So I have limited my time and arranged a schedule for myself. But sometimes everything is done and nothing else to do. I have been a good girl and try to keep myself occupied. I can't wait until he calls me and then I get to hear his voice and I can hear his laugh and it makes me feel great inside.
I know I am scared to make another sacrifice to a man again. I have worked hard in the past five years to become who I am now. I have worked and saved to get what I own now and somehow I just don't want to get hurt again. Neither do I wanna hurt my b/f. He is such a dear young man with lots of ambition and potential and somehow still can't believe that he likes/loves me for who I am. Not many guys see what he sees and not many have appreciated me as a person. I have only been seen as a sex object and gave into that image. My b/f and I promised to each other that we are going to stay away from any sexual interactions with one another so our relationship can flower into something beautiful without us being able to say that we love the other person for their skills in bed. Alot of times sex can fog up the memory and senses and then nobody knows why they got together in the first place. Been there, done that! I want to take it slow with this guy because he means alot to me and I don't want to rush ourselves into anything. Irrational decisions have been made, and we don't need to add to the faults and mistakes of our pasts. He does not judge my past, I don't judge his past and we both take one day at a time.
Today I told him that I wanted us to spend more time together and I would like to get to know him more better. Lets see how we can manage that. Nowadays its not easy trying to hold down a job, raising kids without support and having a meaningful relationship. But somehow I know I can do it and succeed doing it. |
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Posted by realisticgirl on 2008-04-01 00:15:00 | Rating: | Views: 93
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Sounds like you've got a good thing going on right now. If you take out the sex and you still enjoy one another's company then you know there's room to grow together.
Take your time, be as sure as you can about each other and then find the courage to try again. I wish you well...^0^
~let all hatred cease and let there be peace~
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Posted by Megloman
on 2008-04-02 15:07:41
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I see you are unsure and scared, I wonder why as I read is he just filling a mechanical need,is it enough to say forever,Your trying very hard. In matters of the heart and spirit the essential building blocks is there something missing that something special
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Posted by Supergirl
on 2008-04-02 19:26:07
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It sounds like you have a really good thing going and a real good handle on the relationship. I suspect you just needed to write it all down for reassurance. You are really on the right path.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2008-04-02 21:53:15
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