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i walk down the winding stairs that i have walked up and down thousands of times. the familiar voice of my mother is talking in the background. i stop at the bottom of the stairs and listen.
"i would love to go out tomorrow night, that would be so much fun." a pause, then she spoke again.
"oh, it doesnt matter, she doesnt need me around, and if i need to i can find a babysitter." i heard a chair creek, then i imagined my mother sitting down on one of the expensive antique dinning chairs.
"she doesnt know her father, and i would like to keep it that way." she pushed a button on her phone.
"do you care about your daughter?" a deep male voice asked on the other line of the phone conversation.
"that is none of your business tyler*, and why do you wanna know anyway?"
"because you dont seem to act like she is a gift to you..." the male voice spoke again. it made me smile.
"she ruined my life tyler. what am i supposed to do? act like i love her? she took my job, my boyfriend, my friends, my parents, all away from me. now i have no one, and she has all these people, so one less loving her wont even make a dent in her heart. are you happy?"
"no." the phone died, and i heard my mother standing up. i ran upstairs back in my room, the hot tears flooding my eyes.
that day crushed me terribly. you would think hearing someone so evil say they dont love you would be a gift, but to me, it was far from a gift. the terrible feeling in my stomach became familiar, and the unhappy thoughts stayed like a black cloud in a never ending storm. i picture the person she was talking to as my father. if only i had met him. i am determined to find him. the only think keeping me back is the honest truth. after all... i have learned: somethings are better left unknown.

my mother was on another speaker phone conversation i happened to hear. this was months later.
"how is she?" a male voice (different than lasts) asked.
"who is she?" my mother commented back.
"reagan. how is she?"
"i dont know. we dont really talk."
"why?" the males voice sounded furious.
"because i dont like her, and we have nothing in common."
"you dont need to have things in common, she is your daughter for heaven's sake."
"look, how would you like to finish growing up raising a daughter?"
"how would you like to have grown up without a mother?"
"she has a mother."
"there is no mother without love."
"fine. then she doesnt have a mother. but thats not my problem, she could move out."
thats really all i wanted to hear. again, my soul was completely destroyed.

*name has been changed.

what a life, right?

Posted by reagan_leigh on 2008-02-13 15:44:08 | Rating: