Thoughts.com Blogs - ...all things random...

...so it's almost four in the morning and i am at work, chatting on msn with one of my closest friends. the once and probably always will be, proverbial friend...

it's strange to be starting yet another blog, but it feels like people keep finding my hiding places. my once private blog has become a family forum, a place for everyone to check in on the current state of my mental and emotional health. which in all honesty even i question on the regular basis...

when i left london after being away from sydney for two years, i was bound determined, with a life to live the way i had planned. i was going to make the most of everything i learned while i was away. to put into practice all i learned. almost two years later, surviving the worst tragedy imaginable, i have never felt farther away from the person i thought i had become and that part, i think is the most defeating.

i am not discounting the fact that as much as i just wanted to crawl into a hole these last couple of years, dealing with what was lost, i have managed to keep somewhat upright and that it was god's grace alone that has got me here. so why does it still feel like it's not enough? why do i feel as though i am still short of being a complete person?

recent circumstaces have contributed to end result of whatever this is. my own choices have led me to feel so far away from god. so far that i cannot even begin to reach out to him some days. the days of constantly being in his presence has become nothing but a memory. as silly as that may sound, and how deep down i really don't believe that, emotions take over and i though i may not completely believe it. i can't help but feel it.

my friendships mean the world to me. perhaps more than it should. there are certain friendships i hold with such strength. i believe in it so much that i never fully questioned it, ill preparing me for the hurt that inevitably ensued as a result of an action of a friend who i think should have known better, and handled the situation better. someone who perhaps has taken it for granted that forgiveness is just around the corner, as it always have been... but this time around forgiveness is hard to be found. understanding has been replaced with such a wounded heart as a result of unnecessary carelessness. forgiveness for the action at hand, will not be easy but will be done. forgiveness for the carelessness and blatant lack of consideration, will not be. i wish it was as simple as it once, but it isn't. my heart has been hurt and said person's lack observation makes it even easier to just keep my distance.

this incident has cracked what i once believed a strong friendship. now i cannot help but question the friendship that has been around for more than half my life. how sad that a small action of carelessness can result to this.

as one friendship begins to fray, i cannot help but be grateful for one friendship that is slowly being restored. though i am careful to fall under the same habits, i am thankful for the role that this boy plays in my life. he who seems to appear at the most random moments, just when i need him most. yet i know there lies words unspoken, and unspoken they will remain until we come face to face again.