Thoughts.com Blogs - Some, wear their smile as a disguise.

View Blog

Some, wear their smile as a disguise.

So we would have all received a message from the thoughts.com staff recently (actually I don’t think it was that recent it is just that I have not logged on regularly throughout the end of September), about the changes that are occurring on our beloved site and the official launch that is alluring in 2010. Excited as I am about the influx of participants and subsequent blogs for me to nosey over throughout my day once I have written my own and get bored of work, I am concerned for my own anonymity.

Something I have definitely mentioned in passing but not yet gotten around to writing an entire blog on is my exceedingly depleting ability to trust people. Not just people, computers, governments, food labels, song lyrics, the worth of the pound etc, also fall under the category of things in life I now feel the need to question and be wary of. Maybe its age, they say with age comes wisdom so am I right to question some things I have spent my entire life entrusting? Who knows, however the point is this. I started blogging on thoughts.com for a creative outlet to write down all my innermost thoughts, feelings and worries. The very point of thoughts.com yes? However, the one thing that had NOT dawned on me, and something I am now questioning why I did not consider before is that writers and bloggers and though provokers on the site are not necessarily supposed to be anonymous. Much like twitter, but on a much smaller scale, should thoughts.com take off in 2010 to the extent that twitter did in the middle of last year, who am I to stop those close to me, relatives, acquaintances, work colleagues from logging on and finding me?

NOT something I want at all, almost to the point where I considered shutting this account down and opening another, all because of my username which is the only thing I have identified as something that could give me away. A lot of thought has gone into this and as my username for this account is the same username I use for almost EVERYTHING else including my personal email, should anyone care enough to log on and try to look for me, or accidentally stumble across a previous entry, it would not be difficult to make the connection. Like I have mentioned before I write under an alias, to ensure my privacy and allow my thoughts to flow without fear of them being uncovered by the very people I fight so hard to hide them from. However this alias is just a tag on this site, and it is the username that is displayed on your posts when someone reads your blog. Maybe as a warning to the rest of you, in anticipation of people discovering your secrets, take head. Make a change.

I don’t know if this is something I should be worrying about. The likelihood that thoughts.com will take off to the extent that twitter, Facebook or even myspace did is sure not to happen. Not only this, but I wallow in the comfort knowing that thoughts.com is an American based outlet, and much like twitter (which has not taken off as much as it has in America – unless you’re a UK celebrity) it is unlikely the British will attach themselves to a blogging website as much as the thought provoking and time consuming American’s do as us British don’t seem to have enough time to wash our hands after we go to the bathroom anymore (its October and the flu and common cold is already spreading like wildfire).

I have felt the innate need lately to protect myself from any form of back-lash, back stabbing or wrong doing by any other person. Maybe it has something to do with the most recent fall out between myself and my FFBF (former female best friend), who, even though we are now on speaking terms and things “seem” to be returning to normal in our relationship, will remain labelled as a ‘former’ best friend until she demonstrates the ability to be a GOOD best friend. During this argument she rallied to tell a mutual friend (who I don’t actually like and in hindsight am glad she knows I don’t like but that is not the point) my true feelings for her, even though my FFBF also had the same feelings towards this mutual friends who happens to be the afore mentioned NS, whom you may recognized from previous posts. Anyway, needless to say due to FFBF’s outburst, NS is now no longer speaking to me. This was made clear to me over blackberry message direct from the horses mouth, only for the horse to then change her mind and get ANOTHER of MY friends involved (as another one of her sly and sneaky attempts to worm her way into my group of friends), lets call her S, and told her that I am not speaking to HER. The drama is unnecessary, the lies are unwarranted and I don’t feel I should have to be friends with someone I don’t want to be friends with, so refuse to make the effort to patch things up, albeit being a little stubborn of myself possibly. Anyway, deviating slightly from the topic, my innate need to protect myself is most likely due to the recent rumblings within my group of friends, within which L (also previously mentioned in blogs) has now fallen out with NS also in favour of my team. L and I spent one Monday afternoon at my place of work googling NS, only to find a treasure chest full of juicy information and secret blogging pages that can be used against her if necessary at a later date. Namely photographs from a not so distant past that I am most definitely sure she will not want leaked due to their portrayal of her even-more-disgusting-than-we-first-thought-self, my favourite’s of the ones viewed that afternoon were quickly saved to my desktop and emailed around my closest friends. Leaving myself open to ridicule I hear you think? Yes, hence my change in attitude with regards to protecting my own identity as of late. However, on closer inspection, I wonder why I care that NS may discover the origin of these photos revelation. She already knows I don’t like her, and it is unforeseeable our relationship will ever recuperate (mainly because I don’t want it to).

Suffice to say I googled myself. I googled every term I could think of to do with myself that people might see fit to Google should they be looking to dig up dirt on me, and delightfully…nothing. Nothing under my full name, nothing under the name I use at work, nothing under the username I use for everything, nothing under my alias, nothing!! The most revealing result of which to speak is my Facebook account, which is thoroughly protected from anyone who is not my friend on the site and which I take great care on the detail I supply within anyway. Happy my innermost secrets on here are safe, for now at least, I will continue to blog, as in my spare time there is nothing I like more than reading back on forgotten blogs from the start of the year and realizing how much I have changed!

Posted by rachaelmax on 2009-10-20 12:14:17 | Rating: