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they think i'm so chaste.
that i'm such the catholic school girl.
aren't i?
(complete opposite)
they swear i'm a virgin.
i lost that a long time ago.
and never plan on getting it back.
cause i need that.
to feel like someone cares
for at least thirty seconds
someone really needs me
and isn't lying.
then again, isn't this all a lie?
but how can i tell them i'm not
their entire image of me being someone who survived physical and emotional abuse, cutting, and manipulation and still was chaste and god-loving and jesus-loving and all that fucking shit would be shattered.
i have to lie to them
or they dont let me do anything.
i am tempted to drink and smoke and hopefully overdose on something.
because i'm not really the one who is running my body
so many whoever is will take it upon themselves to kill me.
i want so bad to be honest and to fix everything
but i can't
they'd hate me even more
and where can i go now?
there's nowhere else.
they'd take my babies away from me if they knew.
but what will happen to them when i'm gone?
i dont know.
they swear i dont love my babies.
but i do.
but they tell me what i love now.
so if they say i dont, i guess i dont.
i made a list of hundreds of things that were wrong with me.
unfixable things.
permanent defects of character.
that took up 7 pages, typed, 12 font, times new roman.
the physical flaws were even longer.
11 pages.
or around there.
they must have saw it on the computer.
because they deleted it.
but they didn't say anything about it.
because i'm " a selfish asshole and just feeling sorry for myself"
really? is that what i am?
then tell me what you are.
because you know what i've become.
dead.
but you ignore it.
in denial.
maybe i am too.
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Posted by pullthetrigger on 2008-04-13 15:09:00 | Rating: | Views: 79
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