puck

starbucks - what can you do

2009-11-22T17:04:18-05:00

A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!............

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

not just the Americans

2009-11-22T15:43:57-05:00

the brits get it wrong sometimes, this guy came in to be a basic IT analyst - just got to love it

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so sad

2009-11-22T14:13:30-05:00

With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work, "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, son, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired."
"But Daddy, just tell me please!? How much do you make an hour," the boy insisted.
The father finally giving up replied: " Twenty dollars per hour."
"Okay, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked.
Showing restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled:
"So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right?? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!"
It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he had said and was feeling guilty. Maybe he thought, his son wanted to buy something.
Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room.
"Are you asleep son?" asled the father.
"No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy partially asleep.
"Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said.
"Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money.
"Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son just said. "Daddy could you sell me one hour of your time?"
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To hit a child

2009-11-22T14:00:46-05:00

To hit or not to hit

I for one have never hit my twins, so precious to me are they. Sounding like Yoda I will go on to say that I was beaten, especially and surprisingly by my mother a teacher! She once hit me with a metal coat hanger all the way down one arm and all the way down the other – I managed to escape to a friends I was eight at the time. Still all good practice for an English public School.

Always afraid I might turn out to be like her , the trauma of their premature birth engrained into me the gift God had given me, and I have never punished them physically. We do have a tick and cross grid, and if they get more ticks than crosses they get a treat at the end of the week.

I also try to spend time with them since, well since we got them home 5 months after birth and a month after they meant to born (nine months). Love does not to me express my feelings for V and S

They are my world, and Mrs G knows that, they leave me again soon to attend a wedding in Singapore, and my heart aches at the very thought. I know I will cry all the way home after I leave them at the airport.

Anyway do you think “spare the rod spoil the child” or do you like me have a different view – be honest now !

Puck

Go figure

2009-11-21T11:50:05-05:00

unsure of:-

THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes."

THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide."

THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."

THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again."

THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

THE TELEPHONE ENGINEER because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"

Good to be back

2009-11-21T11:46:31-05:00

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy ...............

and boy don't we know it...

2009-11-21T11:44:26-05:00

busy puck

2009-11-21T11:35:52-05:00

It has been fast and furious this week, been to Malaysia, and managed to get business class this time, as it was practically an overnight stay!

Got back and took little S to rugby, and played for the reserve team again – but watching England lose to NZ ( our special convict colony ) was hard, but those Maori’s know a thing or two.

Took little V to her friends b’day party, and Mrs G picked her up. Little S went to a party around three so will see him when he gets back.

Knackered! Puck!

project management

2009-11-16T06:39:53-05:00

Now you know

A blonde one to end the week

2009-11-15T17:44:10-05:00

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp.

They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."

So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home."

POOF, she is gone.

The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too."

POOF, she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "What is the matter?"

The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

A surprise for puck

2009-11-15T14:06:31-05:00

A tough day, I was couching the under 18 first team at the club, when the club president comes to me and says that the first team is a number of players short due to sickness. Well I am no where near match fit even for a regional team like this one.

Their first team play a reasonable group of clubs. So when I finished coaching the U18 side, (who won by the way)

I borrowed kit , and was asked to play full back (15), not my usual position , but I do what the coach tells me. After 15 minutes I was so tired I thought I would be sick. I really felt like being sick for the first half hour, and then in a tackle against their flanker I got a punch in the face.

Well let me tell you I have been hit in the face by the best, and so no yokel local, was getting away with that. I changed places with the fly half, and really started barking out the orders. I could see their week points and stated to get the guys to apply pressure there!

I got into many frays, and gouged eyes, stamped on heads I mean every nasty trick in the book. They were a resilient side and I got a few lets say off rules hits, but the energy returned quickly.

After one confrontation the captain let me take charge, we won by several points.

My right eye is like a football, and my testacies are a little swollen and painful. The whiskies and pints after the game helped, but Mrs G is not happy. Little S loved it though.

I still have stud marks all over my body and I can see them on my hand as I type.

You know I am happier than I have been in ages, wish you all a great week

Puck

I don't think I will ever truley understand

2009-11-15T13:50:25-05:00

Americans

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

Some "dirtbag" in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up "executing" the deputy who
stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.

Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A statewide manhunt ensued.

The offender was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the question:

Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:

"That's all the bullets we had!"
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)

some of my friends can't understand why

2009-11-15T13:45:09-05:00

they are stilll single

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I just do not understand - please explain

2009-11-15T13:39:46-05:00

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made
me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new
life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel
lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late
- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to
smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the
TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little
shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over , he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

plastic surgery - just not for men

2009-11-14T05:23:49-05:00

sex and weight control

2009-11-14T05:17:37-05:00

Sex is good for you
article, diet, joke, sex
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 387 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 22 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 192 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 112 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 178 Calories
69 standing up......................... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 386 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 400 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 972 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
Fake.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Now you Know

Who's the daddy

2009-11-14T05:13:36-05:00

share another beer with me friends

2009-11-14T05:06:00-05:00

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I hate you .....

2009-11-13T14:18:25-05:00

There seems to be a lot of hurt in the village of late, normally I quite enjoy a good scrap, but work is just non – stop at the moment. so...

Remember that you all are unique, no single person has your perspective on life, reacts the way you do. Your smile connects with special people in your life and can mean so much to each one.

Your contribution has a frequency all of its own, you may have energy; wisdom; fight; compassion; love; curiosity; venom; forgiveness, a mixture perhaps but it cannot be copied and pasted (unlike your work – lets skip past that).

Visions and hopes only you have, your touch and smell, mean the world to someone, your ability to lie or your honesty. Skills and qualifications;

My minds eye perceives you like no other, and no matter if that is good or bad in my eyes, it makes you different:

I may hate you, wish you well, laugh and cry with you – but I value you all: Except Lolav – who is on a higher spiritual level a goddess amongst you all.

Some doubt themselves and others feed off that well fu*k them, some are the peacemakers and Mathew (NT) reports that they are the children of God. Time can change everything. We can be hurt in an unexpected way, a turning point for the good, a safe new born, or a tragic early death.

A new dawn a new day they say – but from puck remember this – it is okay – absolutely okay to be just you:

We are all just you people most of the time : as Abe Lincoln said “And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

Let our ego’s subside and let us enjoy the moment, a memory; the constant but short lived demand of a child before they seek their independence; the renewed life of a dear one who has been ill, or the fact that God has taken them for his own purpose.

A simple hug, a kiss of delight, a night on the town, and a liver to ensure we live on.

A walk in a strange place, a trip to a new space, a voyage whilst sat on your sofa, a moment watching your five year old son score a try at rugby :

Be well because now you know

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complaint letters be careful...

2009-11-13T05:00:34-05:00

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f---ing toffee apple.