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| Shower Number 4.5 |
If I didn’t have to sleep, I don’t think I would. I feel about each day the way a young child feels about the night before Christmas. I am in a state of constant expectation. If I sleep…what will I miss? It is too bad that staying awake is really not going to answer my question the way my heat is asking them.
My thoughts are obsessed with death again, lately: not in the morbid sense of the word, though. More like in the sense of knowing the clock is ticking and there is no second, no minute, hour or day to be taken for granted. Every morning that I see the sunrise is a reminder that it has set on another. As I watch it rise, I questioned myself. What more could I have done to have made the best of yesterday? I must ask the question to try to avoid repeating that same mistake today! I must learn from each day: building and building upon each thing I learn until I am alive and living each day to the best of my ability.
I have already wasted so much time. There were so many years of harboring the hurt and pain of my childhood. There were the eleven years and still counting of loving a man who said he did not want me, yet did not mind bating me just enough so that he could benefit from what me loving him, could do for his life. I would stay under this water 24 hours a day everyday if would help accelerate this process so I could get on with living my “real” life: before it’s too late. I’m sensitive to time.
You should try it. Pretend someone told you that you were in a 95 percentile for having major organ failure within the next five years. Couple that with the added knowledge that your organs don’t have to wait those five years, due to the level of inflammation in your body any one of them could decide to fail at any moment. There is more I could tell you if my goal was to scare you or sadden you, but it’s not. I need you to feel a true sense of urgency about living. I don’t need you to waste time being afraid of death. Having this information in the heart of an intelligent person is difficult all by itself. Once I open my mouth to share it…you get back things sometimes you’re not looking for, cannot use, don’t need or simply just don’t like. It opens the door for a flood of emotions from confused participants in your life’s journey. I understand there will be sympathy, empathy and though I don’t want it, even pity. What I think I seek most is understanding? What I need most is to warn you.
I want you to understand that part of me is doing this to warn you of the age-old teachings. Time is precious.
It is the one and only thing that I can think of that we all have the same amount of and access to regardless of our gender, culture, political affiliation, social class, educational background, financial status or whatever. It is the one commodity that we waste considerably more than any other natural resource. Yet, when was the last PSA you heard urging us to pay better attention to how we spend our time in order to have a better world to live in. Though I may stand alone in this hypothesis, I feel if we did, all we time conscious happy people would make better decisions. I know you are a smart bunch, so I will not waste time or words describing that domino affect.
Close your eyes. Think about the information I ask you to load into your cerebrum. Remember more than anything you have to allow yourself to detach from the idea that death is something that we all face…one day. Allow yourself to feel that your “one” day is no longer some infamous day thirty, forty or fifty years from now. You also must allow yourself to by-pass fear of death; remember for this experiment…it’s a waste of time. I want you to reach that place where you become alive in time. Find the place where you can almost feel every second ticking with eagerness. In the place where I seek to guide you, you are wondering; what can I accomplish in this moment, what do I want to accomplish in this moment and more than anything…what do I need to accomplish in this moment. Are you already beginning to see why I don’t want to sleep anymore? There is so much to do. In my mind, there is no time to waste in somber. Damn it, I have already slept, too much.
So, many places to see, books to read, movies, food to try, wines to sip, lakes to fish, mountains to climb, works of art to admire, people to meet, oh my God the list could go on almost forever! Oh the list, a “Bucket List”, something that has been made famous in the movie, now plays such a major part in my everyday life. For a few more minutes, let it do the same in yours. If you are doing this correctly, you should find yourself constantly battling dark forces. Do not give into the depressive nature of these thoughts, that sadness, fear and dread. If you are feeling it impossible to block them out, you have to trust me, you can. If you have to cry for a second to get past it, that’s ok. But, you have to get through. Please, do it for me. Because past that fear of death is a desire to “live” every moment to it’s fullest.
Past that fear is place that makes you want to know where that bird you saw while sitting at the red light was going. Past that fear is place that makes you stare at the raindrops as the fall from the clouds and the next thing you know you’re standing in your backyard getting trenched in the middle of a down pour. There is this desire to smile at everyone you see; even that grumpy old white man at the Y that looks at me like what the hell is my black-ass doing in his part of town. Now, when Jeopardy is on, there is a need to take notes. I want to look up all that information, know it and appreciate it past the monetary prize value. It has life value! Have you ever stood in the poultry section at Wal-Mart with a whole fryer in your hand and became curious about if this chick had a family or goals in life to be more than your dinner tonight? I hope you laughed. Because that is partially the point, you become acutely aware of what some might think are the dumbest things.
I don’t think it’s dumb though. I think it’s becoming genuinely alive in the process of living.
I think this will have to be the first two-part single shower. Can you guess why? I’m sleepy…smile (lol). How does that old saying go, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I hope you know that I do sincerely pray for every one of you daily. For the ones of you that are my friends, I thank God for placing you in my path and in this shower with me. You may wonder if your presence is of any true assistance. I assure you that it is. When I feel weak, I can feel the strength of MOZ, Mike, Bill and David, I know they have my back. There is a sense of protection around me, allowing me not to feel the threat of attack while I’m in this vulnerable state. Sharn you are that mother/sister figure that let’s me know, no matter what I say I don’t have to fear judgment from you. You will be there for me and love me regardless. Chuckles you understand how I use my humor, sometimes as a mask. You laugh with me and pray for me. My little Solomon, as wise and open minded as I strive to be, you shine a light on points I miss in the dim of light. Scarlet, the beauty of your words keeps me focused on my potential. Once I am clean, free and able to express myself with the elegance, emotion and power that you do, the world is mine. My Smurffette, Aussie, Brokenchains, Yummy and all the rest, I feel the hugs and love.
Sending you so much love, the universe cannot contain it!
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Posted by princessQ62 on 2009-07-05 05:34:12 | Rating: | Views: 52
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