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| Image is a Big Deal |
You know the joke about going shopping was of course a transitional joke. Remember, first, my royal crown and robes were apparently taken. Then I bore all for the chance to achieve, what to me was a cool goal here in our CYBER-world. For the last few hours I had you staring at a cartoon representation of me as I go shopping for new clothes (a new look if you will). Again, all of this was un-folding very innocently.
How quickly things can change.
As I searched the pictures of dogs from one of my favorite sites, I became emotional. At first, the emotions were positive. I was smiling and then even elevating to laughing out loud at some of the outfits and poses these animals were in. I really had not thought of this task as something difficult. I was just going to pick something either cute and funny or cute and maybe a little sexy (for as much as an animal can be sexy/that’s a whole other blog…lol) or just cute and cute. Whatever, the point is… it was not suppose to be this big of a deal.
Then somewhere in the mist of this, I got all pre-menopausal. I could feel stress building inside. I began clicking through the pictures faster and faster. I could not make up my mind on which image to use. I would love the look of one dog, but hate the outfit or vice versa. There were those I love the expressions but then disliked something else. At that point, I literally had gone through more 300 pictures. I’m like damn P, it’s just a dog-gone avatar, it’s just something to represent you since you don’t want to put a real picture of yourself up. That’s when I teared up. I stopped and poured myself a drink.
I didn’t know what to choice because I am still so undefined myself. I know to some of you reading this you are about to remind me that it’s just not that deep. Unfortunately, I am one of those people you other folks talk about…I over analysis everything. I find or at least look for the meaning in every little thing. I ponder the weirdest things. A quick example, last week I had to kill a spider for my daughter. Afterwards I ask her if she thought his/her family would be wondering what happen. Would they be without food that night since we had probably taken away the breadwinner of the family? Yeah, I kid you not. So, do you think a little avatar selection could stir up the meaning of life for me…of course.
How can it not take up a bit of time choosing an image to represent me…when I still don’t know who the hell I am! I recognize different elements that exist IN me. On one side, there is my: sense of humor, creativeness, forgiving spirit, loving heart, friendliness, etc. One the other: the broken heart, low self-esteem, loneliness and we cannot ignore the physical diseases. When put all together what do I get; a very sweet creative lonely woman, a funny friendly sick person, a forgiving fool who’s dying alone. I do not like any of those images of myself, no matter how true the facts may be. I am working on it.
But, in the mist of trying to change what can be changed…shouldn’t a person know what they want to be at the end of the process? For every negative that is removed, a positive thing needs to be put in its place. Goals need to set and plans need to be made. The clock is ticking…louder for some than others. I always make the joke, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow”. To bad, it’s not a joke! I am good at so many things and great at nothing. I’m sorry that’s not totally true. The one thing even I have had to admit I am great at …being nice. But, can any of you tell me how to turn that into something tangible skill (lol). In my “real” world, that niceness still has me sitting here alone. As I told one of my best friends in the CYBER-world, just last night, if it were not for you all, I don’t know what I would do. I so badly want a live human in my life. It would be nice to think that my existence truly matters to someone around here beyond his or her own needs.
But thank God, He led me here in the mean time. I know for some of you this place is just another website on the internet, its not to be taken too seriously. However, for some of us it is a lifeline. It is a place of hope. It’s a place where it is okay to shed your tears on Tuesday and LMAO on Wednesday. A place where I hope at least one person understands the ramblings of woman that has probably gone too long without “real” human contact and had too little sleep today.
How crazy is it that it was easier to be butt ass naked than it is to decide what to wear. When I was totally bare, you could decide for yourself who I was. But, what I put on…now that’s me… making a statement.
So, who am I?
What is it I want to say?
I am truly unsure.
I pray God gives me a little more time to figure it out!
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Posted by princessQ62 on 2009-08-19 04:35:49 | Rating: | Views: 72
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