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| I THINK I was MAD at GOD Wednesday |
I failed as a good Christian the other night. For the first time ever in my life, I left out of church in the middle of a worship service. For those who are not familiar with that phasing, it is a service that is predominantly singing and music. There is a worship leader. That is someone who just talks about how wonderful God is even in the midst of troubles and so on. The congregation and choir will sang song after song, there is no sermon. For those who are familiar with some of the traditional Black CME services the visual should be simple. For those that are not, it is not as quiet as a Catholic mass, but it’s not one of those scenes where people are running up and down the isles, falling out like fish out of water either. I can honestly say, the current church I attend, creates an atmosphere on Wednesdays that would make anyone, any age, of any race or religion feel the presence of the Lord.
For the first time ever, I felt like God truly was not with me. As the leader spoke, saying things such as wave your hand if you know the Lord has been good to you, tell God how much you love Him and asking can you feel Him moving in you? I felt frozen. I did not want to put my hand up. As the other people stood and sang, all I wanted to do was sit down. In fact, after the third song, my back began to hurt. Now, was the pain real or psychosomatic? Finally, after the fourth straight song, people sat. Minutes later, everyone was up again. My eldest daughter noticed that I did not follow suit. I knew that she and the younger one had already figured out something was wrong, but there earlier attempts from a form of “twenty” thousand questions had them no where close to understanding what was brewing inside me. She tries to playful persuade me to rise and join in with everyone by asking if I would be her “standing” partner. It is a joke between us. A way of saying looks like you need some support and I am here for you. I said no!
No matter how bad I feel, when she asks me to stand with her…I stand!
Wednesday, I could not. With every song that played, with every word spoken, I felt as if I was about to exploded. I could feel the emotion building in me, the tears welling in my eyes. Each song was pulling more at my heart and soul than the one before. I am not a person that screams and shouts in church. I do not run. I do not fall out, ever! I do cry. I went through about four tissues in four minutes. With every passing millisecond, I was about to scream bloody murder. Finally, I could not take it any more. I ask the youngest one to give me my keys from my purse and I walked as quickly as I could without drawing attention to myself out of the church and to the car. I felt like one of those women in the movies that are so emotional, that suddenly forget the easiest of task…how to insert key in lock and open car door before morphing into a babbling idiot.
I managed to hold it together until I was in the car, door relocked and crunched down. Then I let out a cry that “should” have awakened Helen Keller. Once the crying started though, it would not stop. I was crying, choking and thinking I have finally cracked. I am either losing my freakin’ mind or about to have a stoke. I got scared. I wanted to call Amos (remember Letter to an Ignorant Man and Why Did He Hurt Me) and tell him that I needed him. I just needed him to pretend that he was the man I thought he was, just long enough to say something to help me through this breakdown.
But, as always, I cannot even have a fucking nervous breakdown without being rational.
I knew if I called him, he would either not answer or not be what I needed in that moment…then this could get worse.
As I have told you before I do not have even one “true” human friend that knows me well. I have only one that tries her best. I managed to find her on the recent calls list and hit send. I was crying so hysterically when she answered, I was afraid I would frighten her. You know, make her think some one had died or something. So, here I am trying so hard to calm down enough to get some words out. Bless her heart, she was such an angel. She just kept repeating to me, its ok, its alright. By the time, I was able to say anything that did make sense; I was saying things I felt I would later regret.
I admitted I felt as though God really did not love me. If He did, He would let something, in some area of my life go well. If He loved me, He would have given me at least one good parent or at least an aunt, uncle, granny someone. He would have given me some clear un-mistakable talent beyond niceness. If He had planned for my life to be heartache after heartache or one constant up hill climb; where is my un-shakable courage, endurance, long-suffering? If every inch of life was to be a challenge, where is my un-failing faith? My life right now so mimics that of Job. I don’t want to be Job, I’m screaming through the tears. But, hell, I’m sure Job didn’t want to be Job either. I never wished for a perfect life. I can handle problems, sickness, poverty, etc. I know with all I may be going through, there is someone who would gladly take my problems. But, tonight, all I could think about was the other side of that coin. There are just as many that are glad they do not have my problems.
In the mist of everything they are going through, they are glad they have someone to love and who loves them back. They are glad not to have to face the problems of this world alone. They are glad to have someone there to laugh at their dumb jokes. Can you remember moments when you were so angry about something that happened on the job, came home to or made a phone call to that special person, told them all about it. And they are mad with you by the end of the conversation. There are people out there who are still enjoying their children and their children (at least 80% of the time) still act as if they like being part of the “family”. Even though there are multitudes of people complaining about paying the rent or the mortgage, there is such a great since of accomplishment in maintaining the proverbial “roof” over ones own head and putting food on the table.
I feel like I share too much negative shit when I do post sometimes (not enough laughter and silliness, which I love). But, I think it’s part of the process. I really want to change. I am striving for a better understanding of why things happened in my life the way they did…truly deal with and then get past it. My goal nowadays is to make the latter part of my life, so much better than the first half. Unfortunately, in order to do all those steps, I have to acknowledge the pain, hurt, anger, weakness, etc. I have placed a shield in front of the real Princess for my entire life. Constantly pretending that I’m ok and smiling through all the so-called tragedies in my life. I am the master at appearing to be happy. I have read stories that say it is very typical for comedians to have that type of emotional make-up. Well, it would seem I am on the right track for career path (LOL).
I am proud of myself for not getting so deep into a “self-pity” party, that I don’t recognize that there are many things going on worse than what I have to deal with. However, I do have to stop trivializing my pain, anger, sadness in my everyday life as though it doesn’t bother me. I am allowed to fail in faith, I am allowed to be angry and any of those other conceived to be “negative” emotions. The trick is just not to set up permanent residence in Negative Heights.
I am truly a Work IN Progress…so please pardon my dust.
Thought for today-
Can you think of at least one thing you can do to make someone’s tomorrow better than yesterday? If the answer is YES…THEN DO IT!
I love y'all!
xoxo
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Posted by princessQ62 on 2009-08-29 02:22:04 | Rating: | Views: 70
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