Thoughts.com Blogs - God is my strength

well its past 12 midnight, cant sleep. because my husband is still in the house. now, that I discovered his cheatings and admit it on my face and hit me, my love for him is going nowhere. we are born again people, and as Ive said, being a born again is not a guaranty of salvation, at least to some. me and my husband have a different views on it. my view is if you love god, you will obey his commands. I understand also, that even born again people commits sin, but the different is, you are easily convicted, or feel guilty and repent and not to try to commit the same mistake. He views the other way around, he said even if he commits the same mistake for as long as you will always ask for forgiveness, its ok to sin, sin and sin the same sin, and that is cheatings, infidelity and adultery. my husband has changed a lot. now, he is very proud as if he didnt made my heart bleed. he wants me to forget his cheatings overnight for every time I discover it. and hes been doing that for ten long years while he is a full blodied christian. what a shame to our god! on the early years of his philandering, my faith in God is so strong and continue to hold on and pray that some day, he will realize it and make a true acceptance of God. He even asked me to quit my high paying job just to take care of our kids and him. I submit to him. that was my big mistake. now, that I am quite old and sickly, i am totally dependent on his finances. everything has changed on him, from a faithful husband, a kind person, a good provider, now its all opposites. one thing has just been left, in fairness, a loving father. he keeps on telling me, he hated me so much, but he couldnt tell whu he hates me that much? well, the usual excuse of a cheater. I want to leave him and take our children and told him to do what pleases him. but he said, I can only leave alone and not my children. if i take our children, he will stop supporting us. our house is under my name, but he is paying it since i stop working. I was not able to gather all my evidences so i can file a separation, I dont have means to spend for an annulment, and most of all, as of now, I cannot support my children. its very painful that my children are very affected with our troubles. this is not what I dreamed off, I married late becoz, I am afraid that this things will happen. but by faith, I married my husband believing he was a blessing from God. but I guess, I am wrong. so, cannot do anything but to do the most important thing, PRAY, and asked God for more strength to bear this pain. considering that I am a Diabetic. Oh God, please help me, sometimes, when I am alone, having been to take this burden for ten years, I want to Die. so, I can rest in peace. But I really love my kids and I dont wanna go to hell.