I get sad and bothered over the smallest things and I know you don't understand. Things that I should just get over but I can't. I know it would be hard for me to not understand why we can’t just have a disagreement and be ok. I’m sorry that I upset you when you were already frustrated. My intention is not to hurt you with my words but to let you into what I’m feeling with the hope that it can get better.

I try to believe you care about me and love me because you are here with me but I don't fully believe it. I think that you are going to change your mind and leave. I don't believe you really want to be here with me and I don't really have a reason why. Lately, I even think that you are still looking. I think I may be here until you find something better or until you return to her. I think you don't do the little things that show you love me unless I ask for them and therefore it cannot be true, it must not count.

You don't know how much I want to believe you and just be able to let go of my doubt but I am still hurt over that incident 9 months ago and now all these months later it's back in my head. I think it's her that you love. I think that I do not meet your needs, I think you don't truly love me. I thought 8 months after you said You loved me the first time, you would be more comfortable with saying it and I would hear it all the time. I
 
thought you would do the little things that show you love me, like make love to me or send me a cute note but I don’t think I am the one you want. I try to get reassurance from you but I don’t know how. I just know that I really want to feel your love and not have all these doubts and thoughts bouncing around in my head.

The last week or so has been worse for me because I'm feeling weird about something related to you. I’ve had a feeling that I can’t just let go of. I know it's because we are not as intimate as I want and that makes me wonder if I'm not good enough.

All I want is to know and feel that you love me and want to be here. As I said Sunday, I don’t want to be the driver in our relationship.

This is what I feel but I try to convince myself that it's not accurate.  He calls me to do things, he makes me laugh, he hugs me out of no where when he thinks I need it, he wants me to join him when he has to take trips, as my friends say he is very attentive to me but for some reason I don't believe it.  A friend of mine gave me the book the 5 love languages and I just started reading it.  Maybe that will shed some light for me.

In case you are wondering who "her" is.  A few months ago Brian and I broke up because he was unsure of whether he loved me.  In that time his ex girlfriend came around and his mom told me.  At the end, he came back because he said he realized not only did he love me but he did not want his life to be without me.  He said those words the day he told me he loved me, about a month after he started trying to get me to go out with him again.

Adding to the blog:  So Brian got home and I had the stalker neighbor over.  She called and when she found out I was home she stopped in.  Joy!  She talked about her BMI and money, on and on.  Anyway, when she leaves, Brian asks me how my day was and I said that it got better because I had figured out what was wrong and written about it. I told him how I was unsure about his love and I explained why as logically as possible.  I was in the kitchen and he came around the counter and carried me and just kissed me and kissed me.  He did not want me to feel that and was kind of perplexed at how I could.  Needless to say, for now I feel a little better.