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| What causes us to get depressed?
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It seems like everyone is going through something right now. One of my best friends is depressed because she's alone. The sad part is she doesn't see that she is not alone. She's got great parents, a brother who will hang out with her and friends she could call. It's hard for me when she doesn't see what she has. I should know when we are sad, we are not completly rational.
For me I see what I have: a mostly caring boyfriend, close friends and cousins, aunt and uncles who although they are not nearby, they care. Yet, I still always feel like I could drop back into loneliness pretty easily, even when others are around. You can be accompanied 24-7 and still feel like no one is really there for you.
In order for me to keep the peace at home, I have to pretend everything is ok. When I get sad which is usually 2-3 days out of the month, my boyfriend doesn't know what to do with me. He doesn't really want to know why, he doesn't try to truly help, he just holds me when I ask for it and tries to leave me to my own devices. What he doesn't realize is that I think it could get better if I felt that I could explain myself and explain what I feel and what I'm thinking about. I tell him this and he thinks that it's ridiculous. I get a great feeling from that. The problem is that it's not things that I can talk about unless I feel like that person truly is going to be there or truly cares. I think he wants to care but he just doesn't and it's not something he can fake.
Uggh...the lovely life that we live. I use to think that I could engage him and that it would happen but now I know the only thing I can do is just be me, live life and let him lead his life. At some point either he will care more or I will know what to do. I asked him if he was in love with me and he asked, what is in love? I said, I don't know, am I the person you want to be with, you want to marry and the answer to that is yes. I think if he were in love he would know it. I think he knew it before. When I read what he wrote to his ex, I could tell that he cared. In few lines his feelings were apparent. Everything with me is strained. It's like he wants me because I should be right but not because he adores me. He tries but I don't know if I get all of him. He doesn't allow himself to become vulnerable to me.
I guess I feel this way because I know what it's like to feel one hundred percent love. I have felt so loved that I wanted for nothing else. My dad loved me completely. I knew that he adored me more than anything else in his life and it was the best feeling in the world. I also could not measure the amount of love that I had for him. It was cute when I was a kid, we would play games about who loved each other more and how I would win was "I love you the size of all of the universes that could exist. "
The hard part is that with my current boyfriend, I do love him. I love him completely. There are things I would change but I will take him that way that he is with all of his little flaws and all I ask of him is that he love me completely. I see that he tries and I want to accept that and give things time but it's hard for me. Patience has never been a virtue for me. I guess all I can do is try.
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Posted by prelude2it on 2008-02-08 19:22:55 | Rating: | Views: 171
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Like so many, it's all about gears. Some like you live in the highest gear..gun it...give it all you got. He, however, realizes that if he goes full force into the relationship...and it fails AGAIN(cuz he faced a previous failure and didn't handle it well enough for him)...its gonna be another hurt he does not want. SO, he backs the stick down a notch or two. Keep an eye on those gears. If too much time passes and you're still on different gears...I'd say it's long over due for some communication.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-02-08 20:46:51
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What you said made me look at my situation, I mean, for the first time in my life I have someone who truly loves me and wants me to be happy, but for some reason I seem more depressed than ever.
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Posted by Nerdnutt
on 2008-02-14 22:33:15
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