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| Updated: Things don't always go as planned |
I really like to plan things and know what I am doing and when. My latest plan was to move back to Jacksonville to be closer to my friends that are like family. I had made the decision to give my notice on my house by the end of the month and go. I had gone as far as to look at areas of town and narrowed it down to an area near where I use to live. I had finally become excited about having my friends nearby, moving into a new place and working from home. I even recieved the approval to work from home. I had come to grips with the fact that R would be nearby and realized, it was not a factor in my decision. He has his own life and I can have mine. Now, I am just waiting and patience is not a virtue that I have.
As most of you know, Brian is not a factor in my decision making process. He knows this as well. I know that he is not my future and truly, he's overall a good person who I care about but I know that we just don't mesh. I am also aware that our relationship is unhealthy for me. I feel like every time I start to put the distance between us something happens and I put a hault to it. This time, it was the fact that I was glad he was there to help me when I fell. I don't know how I would have handled it had he not been there. I have never been in a situation where I have a puddle of my own blood in front of me and I nearly passed out. I know that him saying he had to sleep when I wanted to go get it checked out is bonkers but he always ends up doing the right thing, even if it's after giving me grief. In the long run of my life, the grief is just not worth it and I'm not interested in having that as a part of my life.
So now I feel like my life is all messy as far as what I am doing. I am waiting on my boss to let me know what the offer in Hartford is and then waiting to make a decision. I hate being in a state of limbo. The wierd part is that I am not as freaked about moving, I think it may be good for me to be out of my comfort zone. If I truly hate it, I can always look for work back here. Plus, my current company is not the only place to work, there may be other opportunites in the mean time.
My other plan that I am in limbo about is R. It took me a long time to make the decision to see him. I wanted to make sure that I was strong enough when I did and that I was doing it for the right reasons. We decided to meet tomorrow for lunch but now I'm not sure about our plans. I have learned that my self worth comes from others a lot of times. Being with R, was the last time in my life where I had someone that adored me and boosted me up. I am trying to learn to gain that self confidence from within. He really wants to see Shelby (our dog) again and it's probably the last time he will see her since she's 12. She was his brother's dog and R loved her.
UPDATE - Now, I'm super nervous. R and I just firmed up plans. It is the first time in over 4 years that I will have a face to face conversation with him. This is so wierd! Wish me luck, I will need it. I really want to stay strong and meet my goals. It's scary to think that I am going into the past tomorrow.
Grey's quote - "At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross. "
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Posted by prelude2it on 2009-01-22 16:01:36 | Rating: | Views: 341
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