So since Saturday I have been thinking about what love is and what it means to me.  The counselor put it in my head and I realize there are a lot of parts to it and I don't fully know that I have all of them.  I have also been questioning should love be difficult, should it be work?

Here's an example from last night where I question if things should be this difficult.  I call Brian on my way to the gym and he says he's on his way home.  I told him I was going to the gym and I would meet him at home at 6:30.  I get home and he's not there, so I call him.  I should say that I was not at my best that day because I hadn't well slept the night before and I felt like my work suffered because of it.  The reason I had not slept well was Brian related so, I will leave it that.  I asked him, in what was not a nice tone, where he was and he said some shop and I said I thought you said you would be home and he said well I'm not and I'm not up for listening to your sh*t right now.  Well then, that was great.  So I said Ok I see one of us is not happy.  Have a good evening and hung up on him.  About an hour later he calls back and says he's on his way home but he was debating on stopping at a friends but since I'm home cleaning he would come help.  I recognize this was nice and he had been hung up on yet he called.  When he got there I was hungry and I went to get a quick dinner with him.  When we left the house he said he may not eat because he wasn't too hungry.  We got to the place and I ordered and said - Are you not eating because your mad? Do you want to eat now that you're here? and he says - I don't want to be treated like a baby, I don't want to eat.  Wow! That was great.  So much for being nice.  As I'm waiting for my food, he comes over and rubs my back as his way of saying I'm sorry or so he tells me later.  The problem is that now I am pissed.  We sit down to eat and I tell him I don't think I deserve to be treated this way.

We argue while we're there, we argue when we get home and no matter what I cannot get him to see that I did not deserve to be treated like that both times, he made plans with me, he couldn't keep them he should call.  I'm ok with something even a text message would be enough and when I call him I don't want some jerk coming through the phone.  I just wanted him to see that maybe he had reacted a little strongly but nothing. 

So I told him finally that I have been having some real doubts about us, that I love him very much but I don't know that it's worth being upset at all the time.  I don't know if the good is out weighing the bad.  So this brings me back to my question.  Should love be this difficult?

I think the person that I love, should accept me and understand me, not think I'm bananas for the way I think.  He says that we can agree to disagree and that's fine but every time?  Even if we disagree, I can understand him and where he was coming from, why can't he understand me?  Am I that backwards to want my partner to think that I think rationally and to understand me?  In all of my past relationships with parents, friends, ex-husband I always felt like they understood me but with Brian, I feel like I'm stupid for expecting him to understand me.  So again I ask myself if this is all worth it. 

I believe that when you truly love someone you love them for the rest of your life.  I think he will always have a part of me and I genuinely want things to work but I also just want to be happy and not have one person screw my day up.  I don't want to have to ask, can I talk to you every time or be on pins and needles because I don't know what I'm going to get with him.  I think a big part of love is being understood and accepted. 

For the last hour of me being up, he helped me clean, he did laundry, put the sheets on the bed and helped me get to bed.  I appreciated what he does, I see that he cares but I have trouble letting go of the nasty comments.  Am I unrealistic to think love should be sweeter, nicer or should I be happy with someone that loves me, wants to be there and tries by doing things rather than saying things.