I know it so well.  It seems to creep in when I less expect it and take away every thought until it consumes me.

Why am I sad?  Life is different for me.  They say we are born alone and we die alone but usually the time in between is filled with love, happiness and everyone's share of sadness.

My life has always been different.  My mom passed away when I was born and because of that I was very close to my dad.  He was everything in life.  I have no brother's and sisters and no family that is nearby, it's always just been me.  When I was 16 he passed away and I was completely alone.  I didn't realize the magnitude of being alone then. Yes, I was sad and it hurt but not the way being alone hurts when you are an adult and you get tired of struggling.

I often thought about him through the years  I felt that everything had a purpose and that it had happened for a purpose.  A little over a year later I met someone that filled every bit of emptiness and loneliness that I felt.  I thought the purpose had to be this, had to be that I would never have met him and been happy had my dad not passed away. In some way he must have been a part of this.  I think I was grasping at straws to find a reason for what I did not understand.

I was wrong.  Now I realize that I am completely alone.  There is always someone at my side but never anyone that truly loves me.  I give my all, I love with an open heart and I always hope that it will be returned.  In the end, I should know that there is only me.  In the moments of pain and hurt, there will always only be me.

I use to pray for life to end, for it to just stop going by with me watching in pain.  Then I realized that we have one life and we need to make the most of it and not dwell on what we don't have but focus on what we do have and on making a future. 

I try to do that all of the time but it's hard when there is no one there at the times that I just need a hug or to know that it's ok.  I know that I have friends that would be there but I'm tired of having friends, I want a true love, a true mate.  Someone that won't just leave me behind.

I use to wonder how people live without anyone and now I know that having someone does not mean that they will fill the void or that they even want to fill the void.  They may just need your company as much as you want theirs.  Sometimes we just have to accept that life is what we have made it and that if it's not what we wanted it to be then we have to work even harder to make it what we want.

I realize that the person I am with does not love me.  Their heart belongs to someone else.  They try to love me but can't find it in their heart to give that to me.  I see how he is with others and I know that there is some reason within me which stops him from loving me.  I would give anything to change that, to show him that I am worth loving.  I've tried but the only thing it does is push us further apart. 

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me.  If there is a reason why I have to go through this.  It has always seemed that anything that I love will eventually go away.  It started with my dad and now the two other people I have truly loved cannot love me.  I use to wonder if there was a god because I believe that if there was a good I would not feel this much pain.  All I have ever wanted was to be completely loved.  When I'm happy all I want is unconditional love, I guess that's what I want when I'm sad too.

With Brian, when I am at my saddest he leaves me alone and believes it will blow over.  He doesn't realize that not feeling loved and seeing how he loves someone else is what causes this pain.  He never realizes that he could make it stop if he just loved me and made me feel worth it.

All I need is one person, to share my life with, that understands me and that truly wants to be here.