My mind is scattered, I don't know what to write about. I feel like Brian and I have developed this screwed up pattern where I tell him that I want him to go home and he becomes loving, affectionate, makes dinner and then he stays and I don't push him out. I don't want it to be that way this time. Yesterday a friend of ours called for dinner plans and at first I said yes to going by myself, then she said that her boyfriend had been on the phone with Brian. It kind of hurt because he had not called me, he had texted. I called him and he was a few minutes from being dropped off at my house. We did not go to dinner with friends, I rethought that and he made dinner at home instead. After dinner, we talked, I reiterated that I want him to go spend some time at his house and he said he understood. He did not see calling me names as a big deal. I do, he called me an F"n A-hole when he was mad the other night multiple times. I know this isn't a big deal to some people but to me it shows that he does not respect me. No one has ever called me something like that, not even in the worst of arguments.

So I think there is something wrong with the way that I say things; that I am too nice. With my past relationship, I would say things and he did follow through with them. Therefore in order to get R out of the house, I actually called a friend, asked him about renting a room at his house, got the details, gave them to R and told him he was leaving on a specific date. Then I left the house that day so he could move out since I don't really like being there. I don't know what it is about me that tells people that I am nice enough where I may not enforce it. With Brian, we talked, then his friends came over and I went for a walk with Ana, his friend's girlfriend. Then when Ana and I got back they were getting ready to leave and Brian and I went for a walk. I guess that's it, I am still nice afterward, I let him be affectionate and he believes if I were serious that I would put my foot down and not let any of that happen. I have made plans for the next few nights so that I am not at home and we are not together. The problem is I am never angry for long and my head and heart do not match.

I should clarify too that I did not say things like get out of my life I do not want to see you again because I do not have it in me, I'm scared to loose the connection that I have with him for good. Kind of like Meredith with her Brian, for some screwed up reason; I want him in my life. I agreed that we could be friends that I would go out with him that I would just not be the one to initiate contact, I wanted him to drive things. I feel like I'm a pansy when I write this all out.

This morning, I told his mom that we were going to go over for Mother's day. I know that's screwed up but its part of why I love him; I think his family is great. I gave her an overview of my plan to have him go back to his house and how I loved him but I was not sure that things could work out between us. She was wonderful as usual and she understood and hopes that things do work out. She did say that she thought that I was for lack of better words 'soft', that she was always a lot harder with Brian's father and that they were very similar, I can see that now. I know I have become a lot stronger over the last 2 and half years but I don't know that I will ever be what he needs or he will ever be what I need.