So we are now living apart and I decide that I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.  He wanted to do something together so we stayed at a hotel in Miami.  I did not feel the same around him and no matter what I tried our interactions were strained.  For Christmas, he had bought me presents and I opened them on Christmas morning before I headed out to NJ. 

He called while I was away but all I could think of was if he was with her.  The thoughts of this consumed me!  I got back the day before New Years and we had planned a trip to the Magic Kingdom.  We stayed at a really nice hotel that had ducks in the lobby.  We had a lot of fun on this trip.  I did my best to relax around him again.  We watched the fireworks and we kissed at midnight.  I thought things were going well. 

When we got home we both went to our own homes but he started coming over after work every day.  I thought there was hope.  We were going to the counselor and she seemed to really push me to work on our relationship.  I asked him to go to a marriage encounter and he agreed.  I was nearly shocked.

He was really wierd over the next month before we went to the encounter.  Some days he would try and show me that he adored me, others he would say nothing had changed and he did not know what he felt.  Sometimes he would stay over after we had dinner and we would end up sleeping together, I would feel like things were going to be ok.  He would be passionate and loving and then once in while he would say he wanted to leave and would just go at 2 in the morning.  My feelings were all over the place.  There were a lot of things I did not know then that I wish I had.

The encounter weekend finally came and we went to Jekyll Island to do it.  We stayed in a room on the beach.  The encounter made us write out what we felt.  I was suprised at how much sadness he was feeling and how small he felt.  During that weekend, he was affectionate, he held my hand again and we had sex both nights, mutliple times.  He was so excited to be with me and that excited me.  I could not believe the change.  At the end of the encouter we were asked to make a choice to renew our love for that person.  I told him that I did and he said that he could not.  I was shocked.  I cried a lot.  I did not understand what was going on.  He said he was very confused and that he was sorry for my pain, he said he wished he could say something different.  We went back home and we went back to living seperately.  He stopped coming over every day and I thought it was over.  He was still calling, he was still checking in, he was still telling me he cared but his feelings grew more sporadic.  We continued counseling because he wanted to, and I felt more and more distant from him.  He would apologize a lot and let me know that he still loved me, he just didn't know to what capacity. 

March 17th was our 4 year wedding anniversary and 10 years since we had started seeing each other.  He would change everything that day.  My first phone call in the morning was him and he asked me not to make plans that night.  When I got to work there were a dozen roses at my desk.  I was floored and I was a little untrusting of the change.  That night we went to a very fancy restaurant and he was normally not that extravagant with his money, after dinner he had bought box seats to the circus which was in town.  He apologized a thousand times and said he loved me!  I had been through so much that I could not believe the change but I wanted to believe in him again.  That night he went home because I wanted to take things slowly but after that he called every day and came over every night and on the weekend, we went to a barbeque at a friends house.  it was the first time we had done that in 4 months.  I was completely shocked at the change but I was thrilled