I realize that I should finish the story; it's just still hard to write even after 3 years have passed.

When I hung up with Christie, I could not help but call R. He could not believe she had told me, he said he kept looking for the right time and he never found it. He said he knew his children were supposed to be with me. He was sorry. I was so disappointed and let down, even after all this I had some hope because of how he was with me and because of how I saw and felt his love when we were together. I use to think, we were truly soulmates but I learned that a soul mate would not hurt the other person this way. They would know the power they have over the other person.

R explained that because of Nicole, and leaving her behind years ago to be with me; he knew that he could not live with himself knowing that his child would be out there and he would not be a part of their life. During the time things were troubled in our relationship such as the encounter, we had unprotected sex, this had rarely if ever happened in the first 9 years of our relationship, he said that he had hoped I would get pregnant because he did not want to leave me and that would have made him stay. This is why, the night I caught them together, he had said that someday I would understand why he had to do this. Apparently, Christie had said she could not have kids and he had believed it.

We hung up and Christie called again. She said that she was really upset, that R said I was a great person and that she hoped I could find it in my heart to help her. She said she thought he was cheating on her and that she knew he still wanted me because she had found his journal. She asked if she could come over and talk to me. I handled things pretty well and reminded her that he had left me for her and that she should live well with herself knowing that. I was so angry but I remained civil and calm with her. I could not believe she asked ME for help!
During our talk that day, R had told me about the things he had done during their relationship after the divorce. He had kissed someone at a wedding they attended together, he had met 2 other people and he said he technically did not cheat because he did not have sex with them. I didn't tell her any of this but I knew that I did not want this for myself and it made me feel better to know what he was doing to her. Her calls kept coming and the next day I changed my number. I could not believe the other woman, had the nerve to call me and ask me for help. She was getting what she deserved, what she wanted. After that day, I stopped taking his calls at work and never gave him my new number. The only link was my email which he rarely used, he was more of the personal contact. Once in a while, I would run into him on the road and he would call me at work or call my best friend to try to get to me. I never game him the new number.

In November, she had her baby. I felt like I could not live in Jacksonville any more. He had the life I wanted with him with someone else. As an only child without parents, I have wanted my own family as long as I can remember. I love children and I can't imagine never knowing what it's like to be a mom. I've wanted a child which will love you for the rest of their life and she had that with him. I cut all ties with him and eventually moved to Tampa. He emailed me once and asked me to call him. I didn't. I called his mom and he needed to ask me for $5,000. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to do that. She needed it for a health issue and I sent her a part of it. She talked to me about how he would always ask about me and because her and I communicated, she had pictures. She said he would sneak away for Christie and look at the pictures she had of me. She says he knew he still loved me and she thought we would end up together. I had to stop talking to her too because he was my past and I wanted a better present and future. I no longer wanted him to be in my present or future.

A year and a couple of months after the divorce I started seeing Brian. He is the polar opposite of R. With Bri, he is honest to a fault. I always know where I stand whether that's good or bad. We are not as passionate and sometimes I think he doesn't care although I know he does.

In my last conversation with R at the time, he asked me for forgiveness and to please call him. I did not talk to him for 18 months. One day in May of last year, I just needed to feel accepted and loved, Bri was acting weird and I needed support. I picked up the phone and called R and he was happy to hear from me. We talked a few times that day and then I decided I couldn't do it anymore and I stopped. He emailed me a few times and we went back and forth. He said the biggest mistake he made in his life was leaving me and that he lived with his regrets every day. He sent me pictures of himself and at one point of his daughter. He named her Layla, my favorite girl’s name. I had always wanted to name a girl Layla and we had talked about it a lot during our relationship. He said that was the only name he wanted for his daughter.

It was really hard for me and I realized that the contact was screwing with my head. I would get into arguments with Bri and see his faults, which was not fair to him. Bri did the same and started contacting an Ex. In August Bri and I broke up because he was not sure of his feelings for me and he did not want to cross the line with his ex and do anything that would compromise our relationship. During that time R called me at work, I was shocked since he did not have my number or even knew where I lived. He was working at a company I do business with and he had looked up my information on his first day. I talked to R a little over the next few days and realized that there was no benefit to talking to him. He was still living with Christie and she was pregnant again. I asked him if he was happy and his answer was, as happy as I can be, I live with my regrets every day.  I asked if he was married and he said NO.  That she wanted to be married pretty badly but he didn't see her in that way.  We talked about our relationship and I knew I could not continue this conversation. He was in my past and I had to make a future for myself.

In September Bri came back and he was sure of his feelings for me. I was apprehensive at first but eventually I gave in and here we are, we have been living together ever since. I love him very much but I struggle with how difficult our relationship can be. I try to remind myself that R was compensating for his lying by being the way that he was with me and it's not realistic to expect that. I try not to say R's name or write it because it still bugs me at times although that has lessened to. I realize who he is now, he was to much of a coward to talk to me, he didn't want to hurt me and bear the repercussions. I want someone more like Bri which will tell me things even if they are hard to say, I just need a little more cushioning around them sometimes.

I don't ask for much in life, just one person that loves me and is attracted to me and I feel like happiness sometimes eludes me. I start to feel like I finally have everything and then a part is missing.