Still in the past.

Over the next month, we kept seeing each other. He was absolutely wonderful. He was there when I needed him and we talked all of the time. We were doing almost everything together again, although he still lived at his friends house. He had asked to move back in but I wanted to know that he could make it on his own and I told hime that. He told me that he lived for me and he couldn't stand to be alone. He said that when he felt distant from me he had strayed. I wanted to know that even if we lived a part he loved me enough to stay faithful.

The next month flew by. We talked all the time, he was playful and I was happy. At times, I would sense that he was distant and that I may not know everything but I did not really want to know. I had gone through enough and I knew enough.

Every once in while, I would still get mad. I would get livid that he had done this to me and to us but I tried to let it go. Things grew pretty normal, when we went out he usually picked up his phone. I didn't see any wierd phone calls and I was really trying to get back to a point where we were normal.  I asked him all the time if he spoke to her and the response was always NO.

In May, I was talking to him and he told me he was not feeling well and had to go. I felt bad for him being all by himself when he was not feeling well. I asked if he had talked to her and he said, No but what happens if she calls one day and I said if you talk to her, then you won't be talking to me.  I was driving by his apartment from a friends house and I decided to stop by and surprise him.

When I got there, his roommate opened the door and waved me in without a word. It was kind of wierd. I heard screaming from his bedroom and even writing this still makes me nervous and brings back the feelings of that day. When I opened the door to his room, Christie was there. She was screaming at him because she walked in while he was talking to me and she called said "WTF are you doing talking to that bit**?". I could not believe she had the nerve to call me that. I had not walked into a marriage with the intention of taking someone's husband. I was happy with my life until she came along. I reached for her and grabbed her shoulder. She was shocked and tried to grab me. He got in the middle and ended up with a few scratches, while she walked outside and waited for me to leave. She would not leave and I did not want to leave knowing she was going to go back in there. R completely took her side. He said I had to go, he said that he no longer loved me. He was not the man I fell in love with. I was pretty determined to know what was happening, why the roller coaster ride. I had never been this angry, I did not recognize myself. Eventually, she left and he walked me to my car. He said he had to do this and I would understand.

I drove home over a bridge and I had never cried so hard. At times, I wanted to just drive off of it. I drove with a combination of anger and huge dissapointment, sadness, all of it combined. I drove 140 mph that day, wishing for something to happen to end my pain. I could not think straight. I'm grateful, I did not end my life but it was the closest I ever came. He called that night to check on me but I did not pick up. The next day I decided to file for divorce.

I was still seeing the counselor and so was he, when I went back in, I told her I had made up my mind. I was getting the divorce. She asked me not to, she said that she knew he loved and did not want to live without me. He had asked her to please tell me that. I walked out on her and realized she did not have my best interest at heart. He had conned her too.

I sent him an email with the details and he met me at the courthouse and paid the fee. He tried to talk to me but I did not care anymore, he had obviously not cared enough about me. He was flirting with me and it was repulsive. I had always considered him my soulmate but my soulmate would not have hurt me this way. Even after all this, he had the nerve to ask for things, he said he would not divorce me unless he ended up debt free and with 10,000 in cash. He knew I wanted out bad and I would give in. After we made our agreement he had the nerve to call back a couple of days later and ask for the big screen TV. I had to get a loan to loan to pay him off. I told him he could have it but he wanted the money for it, another $1800. I agreed to that too, I just wanted him out. It was amazing how we could remain fairly civil even through all the pain that was there. 

The day of the divorce came and I had lost 20lbs. I dressed in a business suit that day and he was relentless with the flirting and talking. I was so angry when I was around him that I just wanted to be done with him. He needed me to sign off on my car and I did but he did not have the $200 fee to transfer it. He then tried to walk me to my car and had the nerve to go in for a kiss. I was hurt but I did not want him to see that and I clung on to my anger. He called at least once every 2-3 days and he kept trying even after the divorce.

About a month after the divorce, he said he had to talk to me. I needed to understand who he was, he wanted me to know. He felt like I was still the only person he could trust and he had to get this out.I was walking through the mall by myself and I said I would listen. I was shocked at what I heard.

Before we were married I had gone on a few trips either for family, school or work. He said he could not handle being alone and every time I had gone on a trip, he had met someone to spend those days with. He never gave any of them his real name. He told me about a realtor he met while driving, he told me about the roommate I had once had and how he almost slept with her. He said he had an illness. He also said that when we got married everything changed and he vowed he would not cheat again. He had been faithful until he met Christie. He said she had kissed him one day in the office and that he had come home with his throat in his chest thinking i would see through it. At the time I was so sad with Saeed, I didn't even notice. He said he wished I had. The day he had talked to me about having kids, he said he knew he needed it for him to stay faithful, he needed a focus. He said when I turned him down he felt that he was not good enough for me and that was why I did not want to have kids with him after 9 years together.  He decided to take his revenge by being with her. He said he could not tell me anymore but the rest would come out in time. I cried so much, he was not anything of what I had thought, I could not believe he had done so much that I was not aware of. I questioned and he said that he had always been the way that he was with me because he felt guilty because he loved talking to me and he loved me more than anything but he knew he had a problem and this time, he felt that I deserved better. He was trying to let me go but he was struggling. I cried so much that I did know when I would stop.

I tried to move on with my life, but he would not let me. At one point he found my car in the airport when I was on a trip. He broked into the house, took my keys and left a note in the car. I did not understand him at all. This is what he had wanted and now he could have her. Now, I truly needed to move on, no matter what I did, he would find me and try. It was very hard. 5 months after the divorce, i took his mail to his job and asked him to let me be please. We talked for over 2 hours. he said he really missed me, he knew I was his soulmate and he said he was sorry for everything.  He showed me the pictures of me he still had in his car of me and the journal the ke kept about his feelings for me, at the end whe I was leaving he tried to kiss me. I was so confused but I knew I had to move on.

On my way home that day in October, my phone rang and it was Christie. She asked me to please leave him alone, that she was 9 months pregnant and she thought he may not have told me.  She knew we had been together because he had not picked up his phone.  She begged for my help because she thought he was cheating.  I hung up.  My heart sank again.