Still in the past . . .On September 19th my best friend and his best friend had a beautiful baby girl. Our respective best friends were another married couple. I had gone to the hospital that morning and met the baby but R wanted to go after our counseling session that day. It was a rough session where I cried a lot. He said he was not sure about what he felt for me, he said a lot of things that hurt. On the way to the hospital to meet the baby, he pulled over because he had to get something off of his chest. He said he did not think he wanted to be married anymore to me or to anyone else. He was tired of the responsibility. He continued to drive to the hospital where I was suppose to be happy for our closest friends but I had trouble not crying. My best friend saw through it and sent them to get food for her. I was devastated and she was shocked. She said "Everyone always talked about how great the two of you are" and how sometimes she even wanted what we had together. But that connection was now gone.

We went back home and I could hardly eat or sleep. We merely just existed in what once had been our home. For some reason we tried a different counselor. In October, I found out that my step mom was sick. Her doctor called and she had a tumor in her bladder. I had to go to Miami and help her get someone to take care of her. We had signed some paperwork months before and I was her healthcare surrogate. I told her a little of what was happening and she could not believe it. She thought it was me because she liked him so much.

The next counselor - Barbara, would see us together and seperately once a week, depending on what she thought we needed. R and I started sleeping in seperate bedrooms but in the mornings before work sometimes we were together and I felt closer to him. Sometimes we were intimate and sometimes he just held me. It was like the not spoken bond was stronger than anything else. All I could see around me was sadness. I was loosing him and he was my best friend, my lover and the person who had replaced my father. The sadness consumed me.

My stepmother became worse and over the next few weeks I had to see her every weekend. She was at home with a caregiver but she was not doing well. I don't even remember Thanksgiving that year. I guess we must have spent it in South Florida with his mom. The weekend before Thanksgiving I had the doctor call me to please go to Miami, my step mother was in the hospital. R went down with me for support. The night before the trip was the first night he did not stay at our house. He said he was staying at his brothers because he could not stand my sadness. He got to our home to pick me up at 6 am for our drive and he was very cold, he was acting wierd. We drove down to Miami in a wierd silence. We took many roadtrips over the years, dozens I'm sure, and it was the first time, we hardly spoke. Over the years we had visited most cities in Florida - Key West, Naples, Ft. Lauderdale, Orlando, West Palm Beach, Leesburg, Tallahassee, St Augustine and anywhere that we pointed to on a map. This was the beginning of the end for us. We would take a few more trips together but things were never the same.

In Miami, R and I met with the doctor who informed me that my step mother would need to start Hospice to help her with her pain and make her comfortable til the end. It was a very sad day for me. He had scheduled an appointment for the next day with a hospice person and I had until then to make the decision.

We spent time with my step mom and when I left. I was a mess. That night we stayed at the Mayfair house in Miami, my favorite hotel there. We had a room with a jacuzzi and R was in a pretty good mood. At one point he left to go get sodas and when he did not return for over an hour; I called valet to check on my car. It was gone, he had taken it. I called his cell phone and he told me his brother had a problem and they were talking it out. I asked him to come back and he said he would. I was very alone in Coconut Grove, I was sad because of the decisions I had to make and I was in disbelief at what was happening with R. I called his brother and he had not heard from him. I decided all I could do was wait until he returned.

He came back more than 4 hours later and by now I was mad. He asked if he could just go to sleep and we discuss it in the morning, I couldn't do it I needed answers. He said that I was overreacting and to please let it go. After much uneasy silence. I asked him if there was someone else and he said No. I told him I did not believe him and I asked him if it was Christie. His answer was barely audible but he said Yes. He said he had broken up with her before leaving, he said the reason he left was because she had called him all day and he wanted her to understand that it was over. I was so nervous, I was shaking. He said he was sorry, he did not want to live without me. I took a shower, we packed our bags and headed to the hospital. I made the decision to put my step mother in hospice and we both got in the car to drive home.

He looked very small. On the drive we talked and he explained his side. He wanted my understanding. At one point he started crying, he had never cried because of our relationship before.  I had seen him cry twice once because of his duaghter and the other because his father passed away. I guess I had become cold when I found out the truth but I was unbelievably sad. He said he did know how to live without his best friend  and soulmate and that was what made him the saddest. My friend Jen called and I gave her a short summary of what happened. She met us and picked me up. I asked him to please get a few things from home and give me some time. My best friend and I went to Daytona for the night. When I got home the next day, the house was empty without him there.  Later that afternoon he came over and looked like a mess. He had always been very attractive to me and he looked so little, so frail, he had not shaved and he wore his glasses which was very rare. It broke my heart to see him this way. I was thinking a lot. I decided to tell him about Saeed. I thought this would help him understand why I had been distant and said no to having a child. After a couple of days, I started to think that maybe we could pull through this. After the confession, I felt closer to him.

The following week on December 1st, my step mother passed away and he went with me  to the make the arrangements for emotional support.  I realized that I needed to think about what to do and it was not a decision I could make over night.  He was very upset with me about Saeed although nothing had really happened, he was hurt and said he had always put me on a pedestal and now I had fallen off.  I never asked for a pedestal, I never claimed to be perfect.  Eventhough he had done much worse, he was equally as upset at me as I was at him.  I asked him to move to a friends house.  I called our friend and made arrangements.  He left on December 15th.  We still talked every day but not having him there made me realize what I wanted.  For him to want me and love me again.