So the final year - we planned a trip to Italy when I got sick and we had to cancel. I spent the week in the hospital instead.

We had now been together for 9 years. In college I had made several friends some of which are still in my life today. Two of these friends were guys. When you study computer science, there are few girls in the classes. I decided to go back for my masters and one of the guys, Saeed, decided to complete his masters at the same time. We started studying together and spent a lot of time talking about life. I became very close to him. I had never been close to anyone of the opposite sex other than R.

R had started working more in the evenings and Saeed and I would talk over IM. Eventually it was closer to test time (GMAT) and we decided to study together. One day, when I was at Saeed's house he said that he was attracted to me and tried to kiss me. I was shocked! He apologized and said it would never happen again. I believed it and after a few days went back to studying for the GMAT. A few days later he made really strong advances and I stopped talking to him. I was very sad, I had become very close to him and I felt like I was loosing a very good friend.

R was working a lot and I was by myself a lot. He noticed the sadness but I could not tell him. He could have quite the temper and I thought if he knew he might hurt Saeed. It took several weeks for me to get back to normal. It was the first time I had not shared something with R in all of our years together and he was visibly bothered by it. He thought something was going on but could not figure out what. In the midst of my sadness R came home one day and said he wanted us to have a baby. My first thought was this is wonderful and my next thought was, how can I? I had been so sad about loosing a male friend. I thought something was wrong with me and I was questioning if I truly loved R, because I was so sad about this loss. It took about a month and a half to realize that I did want a child with him and that this was the right time. I was finally established in my career and all the pieces were in place. When I approached R, he said he was no longer interested. Over the years, he had always wanted children. I tried to talk to him but he said he tried to talk to me and he lost interest. He said that when I told him I did not want children it made him feel very small and worthless, like he was not good enough for me to have children with.  He said he was questioning why I was with him if I didn't plan to have his children.  I explained that I did want them, that I was sure and I wanted him.  He was not listening.  He seemed really distant. I guess because of my sadness I did not realize the distance that had grown between us in those 6 weeks. R started going out on Saturday nights with Eric. He would get home hours past when the places he said he was going to had closed.

In July of that year, I talked to his mom and she said to let him be, that maybe he was going through something. I wanted to check up on him but he had been faithful for so long that I did want to let that in. We argued a lot about his going out and for the first time since I had met him, it was like I did not have any influence over him. He said he simply wanted to and it was just one night a week.

In August for my birthday we decided to take a trip to Aruba together. We had done a lot of travelling to different tropical places over the years, we had been to the bahamas several times, cancun, naples, etc. We use to love to travel together. We would have a week of just each other's company. Since we had loved it so much in the past, I thought this would bring us back together. We stayed in a beach front room and rented a jeep. The beaches were beautiful! We spent five days there and we had sex almost every day. I felt like I was close to him in that respect at least, as long as were were still sexually active everything had to be ok. One day, while we were in Aruba, he went somewhere and I could not find him. He came back an hour later saying he had gone on a walk. Later I would find out that he was buying a bracelet for the person he was cheating with.

Anyway, we toured the island. We gambled, went into the desert/mountains and we even toured the local villages. Eventhough we spent every moment together, I did not feel connected to him. It was not like it was a few months ago or like it had been our whole life together. I had always felt that he had a direct link to my inner most person and I to his but I could not engage him.

By September we had started going to counseling. He thought he had a mental condition and seperate from our counseling he was seeing a psychiatrist. He was on Wellbutrin and when I would ask, he would say he knew he was mentally ill and that we would be fine, to please have patience with him. He said he still loved me but he felt he was going through something that he could not explain. I tried to believe that he was just sick.  It's what he asked me to do.  I was a mess.  I had a wave of sadness over me at all times.