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| I'm so upset. Does it really have to be like this
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Last night I was sitting there reading other people's thoughts and i decided I wanted to tell Bri about it. He was sitting on couch across from me. It was after 11p.m. So I said can you talk? and he responds how long do you need and I said I don't know 10 minutes. So I started to tell him and I realize that he's reading while I'm about to tell him something that's important to me. I explained to him that this was important to me and to please pay attention. I thought he was being uncaring and says if you want to talk just talk but he won't even look up at me. So I ask him to please stop and just give me 10 minutes where he's trully paying attention to me. He still doesn't look up. So I tell him all the things I've done this particular day for him, I just want to show him how little 10 minutes is. I made him lunch, got quotes on his car insurance, made plans when he said he could not join me for dinner. Came over when he wanted me to see his new milling machine, took him out to dinner and paid. To please realize it's just 10 minutes. He keeps reading and I got so mad I went to slam his laptop shut. I should have never done that, I should never let my anger get the best of me. He then got up and said that he had to go and he started putting his laptop away. He cared so much about the laptop and so little about me. Sadly enough I got him that laptop. It's been over 6 months since we have not had a night together and I can't bear the thought that I pushed him away that I got that upset.
I asked him to please not leave and I made the mistake of letting my emotions get the best of me. I grabbed his shirt and he pushed me off and I fell. I hit my hand and my long nails bent back and I started bleeding. I still followed him downstairs and just begged him not to leave to please just talk to me and help me, all I wanted was for him to talk to me. He said this was a major, we had just gotten physical and that was something he did not want in his life. He was debating on whether to leave or if I was ok to stay by myself.
After what seams like an eternity, he finally came up with me and we talked for a little while. He walked me through taking care of my hand. He slept on the couch last night. I am sooo sad. I just want one person in life and I've wanted it to be him. I feel like if I had parents they would be enough or at least there would be someone. I had made an appointment with a counselor for Saturday. A few weeks ago we had an argument where he threatened to leave at 4 in the morning, there was no agression he just got mad at one of my comments. Then, I was trying to get his attention in a similiar situation. I don't know what to do, a part of me says give up he doesn't love you, if he did he would never let it get to this point and a part of me is so scared of loosing him. I've always thought of him as the one. I dated a handful of guys before him and there was no one that I felt this connection with.
I get so sad because I feel like I pray all the time, the same prayers since I was a child. I would pray then that my step mother would love me and that I could have peace or that I could get away from the pain. Now I pray for love and peace and my own family but all I have is this sadness and the one person I love who can only see that my size is somewhat acceptable, my legs are acceptable but my belly is not tone enough and he can't get past that enough to make love to me, I don't get it. Why not just love me for me. I admire that he tells me vs lie to me but then I constantly doubt his love because if he truly loved me he would see me for who I am and how I love him.
Sadly after it all, I want him to be loved and I know I can't give him that not the way he is and I know I can't change him.
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Posted by prelude2it on 2008-04-01 23:30:00 | Rating: | Views: 167
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You feels a connection with him?? Where?? He doesn't listen to you, he doesn't love you for you and he only talked to you because you got emotional and begged him.
I'm sorry to say it but I don't think he's the one.
Best of luck
xxx
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Posted by eeerm
on 2008-02-27 08:09:47
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eeerm,
I feel that everyone deserves to be loved and accepted including him. I unfortunately cannot accept him the way that he is and you can't go into something wanting to change a person. I know he loves me, last night he stayed on the couch so that I wouldn't be alone. I just know that I can't make him happy and he brings out the worst in me so I have to let go. Maybe in time, I don't know.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-02-27 09:26:01
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I am so sorry you are struggling. From reading your posts, I can see that you are a good person who has been dealt a bad hand in the past. Sometimes we femalea try too hard to please other people. My advice is to take care of you first. Diet and excercise for you, so you can feel better mentally and physically. When you feel good about yourself, and find acceptance with yourself, you will not feel the need to have Brian or any other man, approve of you. Men can shut down when they feel women are too needy. I know that 10 minutes of listening to you is not a lot to ask, but we as humans don't like to be controlled. Obviously Brian was really interested in what he was doing, and felt he could not stop at the time. Forcing him to stop what he is doing to meet your current need is never a good idea. Listing for someone everything you have done for them(as if he did not witness it for himself) is never a good idea. It is so difficult to be in a relationship with anyone. To me though, the main problem you are having is that you don't accept and love yourself and therefore you are open for other people to hurt you. We teach people how to treat us. If you want something different from Brian, then you and only you can make that change. Perhaps you should take a break from this relationship and get yourself in order first. Please keep your therapist appointment as a professional might be able to help you sort this out more clearly.
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-02-27 10:43:06
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Dear Prelude2it,
I am so sorry to hear you had such a difficult night. I am sure you feel totally drained at work today. All your feelings of lonliness and being parentless are probably really close to the surface today as well. Don't blame yourself for last night or allow Brian to tell you that you are a violent person. Your anger was only an outward expression of the deep pain he was causing you. You are only human. His actions struck at your very feelings of "fear of rejection and abandonement". Of course violence is never a good way to deal with a situation as you already know. I feel deep sadness for you and will pray extra hard for you today. This world is full of lonely people who are starving for real love. I know that for my husband and I Jesus has been our answer. Don't lose hope He hears our prayers. If we are His children then all things will work out for our good in the end. With Jesus we are never alone, however sometimes we want to feel Jesus with skin on him. May you feel His love for you today thru my care and concern for you.
Now, onto last night and Brian. I will tell you as I have told another person who blogs "You deserve better". Brian is not giving you the respect you deserve. Being truthful is so important to you because of all the lies that R hurt you with. In your need for truth don't whitewash all the other warning signs with Brian. His actions last night are not the actions of someone who is your soulmate. Yes, he slept on the couch, woopie it was late, and that is the LEAST he could do. If you really read your blog above it is clear this relationship is unbalanced in the "giving". We don't have to buy true love. I saw your and Brian's photo. Dear, you are a beautiful, young woman and capable of doing better than Brian. I don't believe your dad would approve of Brian or how he treated you last night. Do You?
Do you have any family, ie grandma, aunt, R's mom, minister, or best friend that you could talk to. I think when a person is left an orphan at such a young and tender age it would have to leave them so terrified of being abandoned or rejected. Don't allow this to trap you in anymore unhealthy relationships. Maybe you could find some books on what is a "normal" and healthy relationship. I can only offer you what mine is.... True love is when the other person is more important to you than even yourself..... It is being tender to our every need...... It is Not Selfish, it does not feed on vanity, True love embraces us for exactly who we are (untoned belly or not), True love is kind, and it stays the course. It doesn't sound like Brian is that "True Love" for you......
Maybe you should learn to first be comfortable with just your own company. Learn about yourself, and what are YOUR Dreams and Goals, before you spend so much time trying to meet your partners needs. It is impossible for us to have a healthy relationship with anyone until we are first emotionally healthy. When we can be totally comfortable with enjoying our own company then we are ready for a relationship. We must first be happy with ourselves. Then we will expect what we truely deserve and not settle for less than we deserve. I hope you have a better day, and find the love you deserve that lies within you. I am a total stranger to you, yet I care about you as a person. I see you as a lost little girl of 16, looking for her daddy. May someone care about my little girl one day if she ever finds herself in your situation. Remember, you are never alone with Jesus.
Caring Advise
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Posted by caringadvis
on 2008-02-27 14:08:09
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I am so sorry! You deserve to be happy! If he will do counseling, maybe it would help. I h ope that Craig will.
Feel better, take care of yourself
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-02-28 13:15:04
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Dear prelude2it, You deserve better, period. Please read Hollis's blog, "Let It Go" and you will come away a different person. I tried to make my ex love me the way I needed and deserved, but he was incapable. It takes two people to make a relationship, not one who wants it for both of the people involved. When I quit trying, it became clear to me that I was standing alone. Good luck to you. XXX
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-02-28 20:21:28
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wow. this entry.. just.. left me speechless. why do u put up with him?
he asks you HOW LONG U NEED.. to talk? what is this?? is he timed? is he one of the little machines little kids ride that u have to put in a quarter, once the quarter is over so is the ride?
you shouldnt have to ask him if he wants to have a conversation, you just do! if he doesnt care what u have to say, he doesnt care about you.
and after u hurt urself.. he still walked away?
im sorry, i know i dont know you but.. it really feels you need someone so much better who will appreciate everything you do for them.
not get mad at u for wanting to talk to them.
and slamming his comp. after he wasnt listening to you.. i would have done the same.
you gotta put ur foot down.
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Posted by ineed_peace
on 2008-03-05 13:46:41
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find someone who will treat you the way you treat him... its hard but you gotta try anyway; its the only way to get anywhere.
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Posted by RomeosMadWorld
on 2008-04-02 08:49:18
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