Yesterday afternoon when I got in from my trip, I decided we would do something fun.  I have been feeling a growing distance between us and I've been torn on whether to stay or go or how to handle it.  He was up for it and we went to a miniature golf place on the beach.  We played and he beat me by a lot, which was fine.  My mind was elsewhere.  All I could think of was, he doesn't try, why do I.  I could think of examples and I was just tired of trying for the two of us.  Eventaully, I decided to have a good time and we were playful and I enjoyed myself and his company.

Then we went for a drive on the beach and I told him we had to talk.  I explained what I was feeling, I explained all the times I was hurt and how I felt.  I also told him that I was thinking that we should move into seperate houses again.  In the seven months we have lived together, he has never given me a dime for anything including food because he has to mantain his own house.  I accepted this but lately, it's worn on me because he's hardly working.  He had been saying he was going to rent it out the entire time and he would help me then but he has never moved forward with it.  He'll go once a month and clean up some but then gives up. 

When at first he didn't work, he did things to make up for not being able to pay for us going out or help with food.  He did laundry, vacuumed and even did the cooking some nights.  I could see he was trying to make up for not working and I was ok with it.  Anyway, lately I just get sad because I feel like I deserve more.  I work hard to support both of us and I just want some nice words or to feel like he's attracted to me.  Although, he's willing to talk to me and to make progress with counseling.  I feel like he's not giving enough.  It's too much, we're not close emotionally, he sits on the opposite corner of the couch across from me when we watch tv together, we don't have sex and I have to call if I want to see him or for him to come home. 

So this morning we continued the talk.  It was not good or productive.  I end up just feeling sad and like I berrated him by telling him how I'd been hurt.  What I wanted was to see his side and for him to understand me.  In the end, he's going to take some stuff home and go connect his utilities.  I was so sad this morning but I have to believe that this will be for the best and it's better to be alone and have the possibility of happiness then be with someone that can't or won't touch me and is ok with this. 

I believe that someone can make him happy and that he can be all the things that he has been in the past for us but I am just not the one for him.  The right one will come along for me.  I just wish it didn't hurt me to do this.  I'm scared of what life will be like without him around and what I'll do with my time.