People talk about the cravings you have when you are pregnant but I have been blessed to not crave much as far as food. There are things that I do crave that sometimes get to me. Last night I was talking to a friend - Ana which I have written about before. She mentioned that they had just gotten out of the shower and were heading to meet Brian for dinner. It made me realize what I have really been craving.
George and Ana have a relationship that has always reminded me of the dynamic between Ronald and I. They take showers together, they go to bed at the same time and they genuinely enjoy being with each other sometimes more than with others. Lately, I truly miss that connection, I would love to have someone to share all of the changes with, to feel the baby move when I do and to just be a part of this with me.
By no means am I saying that I want Ronald, he was the person that decided to hurt me the most in my life and he did not care about anyone but himself. I just wish I had the connection that I have only felt with him with someone else right now. I want to know that someone cares enough to be here when I go into labor, that someone will try to help me feel better when times get tough, that someone loves me, loves touching me and talking to me. I know my best friend will be here but I just have this craving for that love and sometimes it hurts.
When I was married, R and I talked about having a baby all the time. I remember telling him, he was the only person I wanted to be in there with me when I went into labor. I did not want my aunt, cousin or best friend, he was all I needed and wanted. He was my support and with him I knew I could do it. Now I can only rely on myself and my own strength which in a way is empowering but in another way is lonely. I think when you are pregnant, you really want a partner to share in your experience, to help you up at times when you are having a hard time and to just care that you are ok.
If you are thinking about Brian, he is better than ever before with calls every couple of days but I just don't have that connection with him. We are more friends I guess, but I have a hard time talking to him and feeling close. He's just not into this or me. Example, this weekend, he would rather go to the track with friends then visit me. His life is about Brian and what makes him feel good. He does come up to visit which is good because I hate living here sometimes and feeling alone in this but he just doesn't feel like it now, now that I want someone the most.
I remember being with Ronald and wanting to get pregnant but always feeling like it was not the right time. It wasn't, he would have still done the same thing and it would have been harder. Although, I geniunely felt this connection with him that I had never felt; it must have been very one sided. I was happily blind.
I know this is not a craving I can fulfill right now but it's something that I needed to get out. I can't really tell my friends because they go above and beyond to make me feel loved. They are more than family to me; I just need to let my thoughts out at times.
I hope you understand.
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