On Friday night, I was at Lolo's house sleeping in the guest bedroom when I woke up at 4 am crying. I was overcome with sadness. I was sad about Brian (as usual), about not having parents, not having siblings and in general about my life not being fair. I did my best to think positive but the sadness followed me through the weekend, sprouting up at wierd times. Sometimes, I think I suffer from depression and it started after the divorce. I also felt bad for the baby because when I was awake, I could feel her moving and I know she feels my sadness. It's sad that she will not have a grandfather or sisters and uncles like other kids, she will also be born to a single mom and have a father that lives a couple hundred miles away.
This weekend was fun, I went to Chicago with Jen and her family to celebrate her birthday. I have always loved Chicago because as a city, it's extremely clean and pretty. We saw a lot of the city in just two days and my feet were killing me! We had popcorn at Garrett's which I now believe is the world's best popcorn. They have a Chicago mix which consists of cheese popcorn with caramel popcorn. It sounds wierd but it's yum! We also ate Chicago pizza at Lou Magnati's, it was one of those old places with lots of character and a huge line. I really enjoyed the trolley tour/double decker bus, it showed us around and let us get on and off at different places. We went up to the top of the John Hancock building and enjoyed the view. It was a good trip except for my wierd feelings at times about my life. I tried to make the best of it. I will try to post some pictures so you can see what I look like now, big changes from the last time.
When I got back I went to Lolo's for a bit and then to her brother's to pick up Shelby. Have I ever mentioned her brother Chris is great? He calls and checks in on me daily and truly cares. He was a huge help with Shelby over the last month will all my travels. I could not ask for a better friend. By the time, I got home I felt a little better.
I did talk to Brian during the trip - who comes up with some screwed up things like "if you want to talk, you have to have the confidence to call me". That's great, that you come up every other weekend and we are having a child together but you can't bother to pick up the phone and call me in a week! He says that nothing has changed since we saw each other. I hate wishing but I do wish that last year when he came back that he had just stayed away, my life would be at such a different place right now. He also reminds me with almost every talk of our situation and how we are not getting married any time soon. I think he does not realize that I do not want to marry him in any way and that I am well aware of our situation seeing as I left him when I was 11 weeks pregnant because I could not bare the thought of being emotional and around him day in day out. I have times where I just cannot believe his reasoning and that this is the person I am having a child with. He just doesn't get it, when he says he wants to be friends that's what I want too, but friends does not mean sex, it means calling every few days and helping me feel that we are in this together. Our trip to Suwannee was great, he was "on" and then we get back, he leaves and I was happy and then he forgets about me - out of site, out of mind. It just made me feel completely indispensible to him and I can't handle that right now.
Here's a picture of us at the Suwannee weekend:
I really want to get to a better place emotionally before she's born. It's not fair to bring a child into this world, when I am not happy with myself and my situation. Don't get me wrong, I am happy about her and I bought her a little outfit this weekend, it's the first one. I bought her a little Ralph Lauren dress in yellow and white, it is sooo cute! I can't wait to meet her and put it on her. I also bought some more maternity clothes. I cannot believe I am 5 months pregnant already - 21 weeks! I have so much to do. This weekend, the purpose of Brian's visit is to clean out the baby's room. He has a bunch of sign making things in there and I want to decorate. I have been less enthused with decorating lately though because I realize that I don't want to be here long term. I want to live closer to my family.
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