I wish I could blink and instantly my thoughts would be written down for me, but sadly this can't happen. I've been through it rough, the past weeks. I don't think I've felt so mentally challenged. Coping with the break up has been a suprisingly not so full of alcohol trauma. A couple of friends came round with weed and drink, and their company did help me, but as soon as they left, I felt the same again. Is it supposed to be like that? I didn't even drink that much vodka, I didn't really want to, and that was weird. In these sort of situations, I would normally drink it like chocolate milk! Maybe it's because I truly have gone off vodka, I do prefer champagne, lower in calories and doesn't smell of nail varnish remover much. Contact between me and the ex mister has been sort of sketchy. He has sent more texts than I have, I've cried more than he has. He has sent me some really nasty texts, so spiteful that I think they've ruined my outlook on the whole of our relationship, he has just tarnished it all, destroyed all of the memories, or any time we had together where we smiled. It almost means nothing to me anymore, I've gone cold and closed up that much. He mentioned horrible, soul destroying chapters from our psat that made me sink deeper and deeper into myself. I had a thought this morning of being intimate with him, and it sent a chill down my spine which sort of worries me. I'm past that stage. I can't close my eyes and kiss him anymore. He saw me about three weeks ago, when I was leaving the sunday market with mother. I was having such a nice morning, despite the rain. We dawlded around the multiple stalls, joking and smiling, mum took me out to give my mind a rest, and a few hours later we were leaving with bags of cakes, DVD's (yes, pirate obvie, I'm too lazy for the cinema!) and fruit, clothes, etc. When we crossed the little road where all of the people visiting the market with cars wait until there is a new parking space, this is when the ex saw me. I didn't find out until I got home because he texted me but I left my phone at home, for once. He said he was going to call out to me, but I'm glad he didn't, I would of felt mortified. He said I looked really, really underweight and gaunt. Of course I do, it's called the dumped diet with just a tub of Ben and Jerry's. Have I mentioned this episode in my previous blog? If so, apologies. Throughout this whole saga, I do feel I have been unusually strong, despite crying lots, no one else has to see or know, I crumbled yesterday. On the bus home, I saw him. I just knew instinctivly. Even if he was wearing a helmet. I recognised the outline of his shoulders, his body, hands, everything. He was on a motorbike, on the other side of the road, I saw his eyes through the visor, then he sped off with the green light. Immediately I rummaged for my phone and texted him. 'Do you miss me?' A big part of me instantly regretted it, I shouldn't of sent it, I should stay strong and just accept it's over, afterall, he dumped me. We can't work no more, it just can't fit in. But I obviously couldn't help myself. Forty minutes later he replied asking 'what kind of question is that? you should know i do.. but i know you don't feel the same..' I won't lie, my heart melted. I didn't reply, I just threw my phone in my bag, ignoring it. When I woke up this morning, there was another text from him saying 'you're probably sleeping, but if you ever do want to talk or anything, just call or text me.. if you wantx' What happens? I yet again turn to jelly and reply with; 'i do miss you.. i just saw you yesterday and yet again the situation dawned on me, thats all..' and thats it. I haven't looked at my phone to see if there is a reply, I'm dreading where it could lead to.
My eating has also been sketchy too. On a work day, I burn off over 1200 calories but make sure I consume no more than 500. Yesterday, I burned off 1500 and only ate a fruit salad and a bit of cake. My eating has seriously been affected by emotions recently and it's not so good. I do have my views on Ben and Jerry's now though.
Being at work doesn't allow me to write as much as I normally would love to but I will come back and edit soon.
EDIT.
I've got a few peaceful moments at work to myself, I need to type out my thoughts so I can try and make sense of them, they're so muddled at the moment, I've even made myself such a strong coffee that I haven't even tasted it yet, I'm worried I'll look like I've sniffed acid on the bus home.
Well, the ex did text back, saying I can call him anytime if I want to, anyway and I left it at that, I haven't texted back, I don't think I want to.
Well, I booked a holiday for and the crazy old woman (mother..) there are 88 days to go, yes I am counting down the days and yes, it is a long way away but who cares, were so excited. Going to Greece suprisingly enough. Mother & Torba (therapist) keep heckling me about burning the bridges with dad. Why the hell should I? He is the father, why can't he just suprise me for once and be a man? They keep going on and on about it to me, especially mum, and I'm starting to feel a tad too sick about it now. Talking of Torba, I had an appointment with her yesterday, it seemed to be the most positive session so far, but there's a part of me wishing she could tap into the unknown part of me, the part where all my feelings are aliens and unexplained, out of control thoughts and helplessness. I try to express it so she can catch onto it, but I never know how to bring it across, I'm worried my mental state is going to stay like this forever. I know having an eating disorder can seriously affect your mentality, but not that much surely?
Food. Oh food. I've been really cut up about my eating habits recently. I feel like I've gained weight, but I haven't, my trousers are loose again, but I feel more self concious than ever. I don't know how to fix it. I haven't been eating (that) bad. I do give myself weekend treats, a new thing I made up simply because I can. I eat very well within the week, but weekends are free. For example, the past two weekends, I've devoured a tub of Ben and Jerry's, and I felt guilty for like five minutes. I think what it is that is making me feel so guilty is my exercise equipment. My stepper died again, so I ordered a £180 ellipitcal (sp?) trainer with a built in stepper, when it arrived and got set up, I was so excited, but when I jumped on it, the thing was huge compared to me, I couldn't even reach the handles or use it properly, so I have to return it sadly and for now I'm depending on my twist 'n' tone which burns 100 cals per 10 mins and walking. I make sure I walk way too much on purpose as I wear a pedometer to count my calories being burned, I've input my weight and stride length so I know it's accurate too, but it just doesn't feel like it's enough, and I know I'm gonna have to buy something very soon to help me out. I came across a 10 minute solution calorie burner DVD and have read great reviews about it, so I'm certainly going to give that a try, I was thinking I could get a treadmill maybe? I need to buy a foldable one anyway for when I go to Greece, because with all that food out there, there is no way I'm having no way of exercising. I don't really mind having to exercise whilst on holiday, I know people would find it a drag, but I want to eat the food I want to in Greece, not restrict myself, I mean obviously I will have my own restrictions, but instead of not having the food at all, I can just have small bites. I really am okay about it, I can't go without exercise, it does boost my endorphins and makes me feel incredibly better. I found a company that offers great deals on machines with finance too, so I think I'm gonna give them a call.
The only downside to the holiday thing is that I'm having to work extra hours for a whole month until I've paid the loan off, I know, it is really rubbish actually, I hardly get to see mum throughout the week, but no matter, the weekends make up for it.
Anyhoo, I've drank my coffee, I feel like I'm spinning in a circle and my hands are moving so fast on this keyboard that I think it's best I go tbh.
I know I said it already, but yay for Scrubs season 8. I'm so excited.
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