This item has been flagged as inapproriate content. Are you sure you want to view it?
Yes, I want to view it!

IS NEUROTIC. My mother, is a crazy person. We'll get back to this though. Yesterday, I finished work at 12:30pm, my lovely boss said I can work from home for the weekend, how brilliant is that! I was so happy that I promised him a lifetime of carrot cake. I got home at 1ish-pm and just chilled out, well tried to. When I got in, mum wanted me to go on the internet for her, to purchase these particular trainers she wanted, so we sat down at my computer, she doesn't know a thing about them, but is trying to teach me. I grit my teeth the whole way through ordering her damn trainers then she retreats to the living room and I join her not long after. I said to her, I got a headache, I'm not feeling so good, then she spins me off a thousand stories into one, then she doesn't annoy me anymore, BUT THEN, and I do need caps for it, I swear to god she secretly revealed her plan to me. She came in from the kitchen, with the take away leaflets, oh hell no. What does she choose? Doesn't ask if I feel like anything (it's probably a stupid question), picks up the phone and orders a number '18'. Hour later the door knocks, with '18'. There is the most biggest pizza, I have ever seen in London, then masses of fried chicken, fries, coleslaw, ribs, garlic bread, i mean, the whole shit! I just stood there, staring at the food, I felt so overwhelmed, I didn't even know what to do! It's okay for mum, miss-i-was-born-a-size-8 person. I grabbed one bit of fried chicken, a wing, a rib, some fries and a slice of pizza and ate it all, I was eating really fast. I could tell because mum sat down before me but my plate was way clearer than hers and I had a bit of a problem catching my breath. It's not even embarrassing to admit yukky things like that anymore, it's just sad, i'm sad for myself. So I ran into the toilet and bought up as much as I could, although I didn't really carry on, I just went on as far as I could and didn't push myself to get absolutely everything out, and because I've done that I feel guilty and fat. Afterwards I went to bed as mum crashed out, but I swear to you, she is The Crazy Person. 08:36am. Done my exercise, cleaned up my room, changed my bed, had a bath and i'm now on my first coffee. I hate pizza. Okay I love it really, especially the morning after when it's cold and okay to have a slice for lunch, i love it, and I so desperately want a slice but I know I have to purge after and thinking back last night I did have difficulty and I think thats because it was thick bread, normal thin bread is easy but pizzaish doughy breads are so much harder. Plus, I don't feel like I deserve any food for what I done yesterday, but then, I have sort of asked for something that can help. Mum asked me this morning if I wanted anything from the shops, I sort of chewed my bottom lip, looked at her and then said 'laxatives.' I know, okay, believe me, I'm already judging me too. I just think I'm going to use them for today only and make mum look after them, I don't want heart failure, I'm too scared of stuff like that, but I just feel so amazingly guilty after yesterday eventhough I know I  hardly ate much junk food yesterday, all I ate before that was two mouthfuls of cous cous and 2 squares of chocolate, and before this whole weight issue started, I would eat so much more than that a day and not even throw up. I'm not going to eat until Mum gets home, and I will also be keeping a food diary, I think it will help me out. The look she gave me though, absolutely stuffed with disappointment and I didn't know what to say. I just stood there wringing my hands, looking at her, wondering what she was going to say. Me and mum are very close, and we do hug all the time, but this time, i actually want one for not much reason, just want my mum around me but that vicious bitch that sometimes stirs inside of me pushes it out of the way. I hate what this is doing to me. I'm still wondering about the Turkey dinner. I always cook and it is always without oil, I have made a thousand recipes with no added fat or calories, just the natural calories of the food and thats it, and I know tonights meal will be full of vitamins, all that stuff I can really use. I wish I could share my recipes. Maybe I could make another blog and make recipes for consious people with body issues, they'll be extremely healthy. I mean if I don't eat them, I wouldn't let other people. But then, I do like to stuff my face full of fried chicken. oh man that was good chicken. I'm still not sure if I will allow myself to live in L.A when I'm older (yes, I have been to L.A twice before, thanks) because the first time I went there, I gained so much weight, I could not get enough of their food, their food market is like a dieters nightmare, all the chocolate, the huge tubs of ice-cream, amazing. But thats something boring I'm saving up for when I cannot think of a diary entry. Maybe I need a new hobby. To take my mind off food. But what? Nursing degree? I really do want to do that, I'm just scared of not being able to cope and commit, but I really do want to. But could a new profession/hobby really take away the issues of food? I feel like it's not mentally strong enough to push all that away. Isabella texted me last night, after 10pm (i crashed out early, i felt exhausted) saying that it's still not too late if I want to come and there is so a hip hop room. I don't care, I read that text at 3am and just turned over, it's just pointless and a waste of time. I love Sundays at home. So darn relaxing. And I get to watch X Factor again and not miss it too - yay. (is anyone else as sad as me?) mum also wants to go to the flea market at 1pm, so I must remind myself to get ready at 12:30pm. I usually take a good two hours to get ready but the market is over the road and i'm just throwing on my sunnies and a dress, with skinny jeans & flip flops. I hope I find some cute little things, if I do, I'll picture them and put them up.