long time no blog.
 
i wish i could write about something fantastic that has happened but to be honest, i am so steaming mad that the veins have come up on the back of my hand and i cannot seem to keep my hands still, I could actually kill someone with the hatred or annoyance, whatever it is that i'm feeling. for a girl, who can be selfish, i've got one hell of a selfish effing mother, i tell you that.

she has to make EVERYTHING about her. if i tell her about my day, like a story or whatever, she has to go one better. if i mention i feel sad or upset, she states that she feels even more sad or upset, it's just everything, absolutely everything and now i'm sitting crying my eyes out because im so angry at her, she won't just be a normal mother, she just has to do things when she wants and does what she wants bar the fact she has a daughter. i deliberately haven't eaten anything today because i'm cooking a massive greek dinner for us to sit down and enjoy, and the meal is so filling i thought i'll skip breakfast (yes im aware its bad for you, but its for one day) and i'll work out, clean up my room and by the time i'm done, the food is ready. but no, today just doesn't happen like that. my stepper broke, completely broke, so i got it exchanged this morning, i came home, set it up, not working. take it back to the shop for another exchange an hour later, i come back home, set it up, seems fine, start using it, until it breaks. i wasn't even using it heavily. so i got slightly down about my calorie intake outtake fiasco but i was dealing with it fine. so the food is nearly ready and mum decided she wanted to take a nap!? she knew full well about me not eating beforehand and that really annoyed me so i asked her to wake up and please set the table, and when she came out in the kitchen she gave me complete attitude, i told her to not give me any attitude, especially on a day like this and she screamed at me and called me a child and how dare i talk to her like that. i carried on finishing up dinner and laid the dishes out on the table for us and when she sat down i fully apologised but noted that i'm not a kid, anymore. then, she got up, done the washing up, and all this time i'm sat at the table with my plate full, but i'm not eating it yet, i was waiting for mum to get back, and i was so hungry but i could wait, then when she finished, she went to her bed. I asked her how long is she going to be and she replied 'i dont want to eat'.
if she wasn't there, i would of cried there and then but i just got up, grabbed as many dishes as i could and threw everything on the kitchen counter and sat in my room and cried my eyes out. i was so hungry i actually felt sick, but i just kept it together, tidied my room, had a bath and now i'm sitting here writing this. i'm so angry. this has got to be the most pathetic arguement thats made me feel like a 12 year old, ever. my bedroom door is even locked so she cant come near me. i'm just so disappointed and angry, upset, everything. i feel dizzy and lightheaded. im so hungry but i refuse to eat, i don't want nothing anymore, she has totally ruined my appetite. as for not having a stepper which scares the crap out of me, im going to wake up extra early tomorrow morning and go to the park to walk it off, i don't want to be near her. i know im extremely stubborn but in this situation, it's sticking.

i hate this, i really do, but at least the only thing i have that cheers me up is finally scrubs s07eo7, finally downloaded it and i can watch it, yay.

EDIT.

Well, it's monday, we sort of made up yesterday. How crazy is it that i'm in my twenties and I'm writing down hatred thoughts of family? It's like I'm 14 again. She apologised the most (well.. obvie) and we had the dinner properly and all seems well. I only burned off 700+ calories yesterday and consumed around 500-ish? I say 500-ish because the weekend is my treat time but it was a bit difficult without my stepper, so I woke up at 6am and went to walk in the park, but as soon as i get there, what happens? My trainers start to blister. I got so annoyed and was still slightly sleeping behind my sunglasses that I just wrenched my trainers off and carried on walking, in my socks. Yes, i was that desperate. But by the time I done one full lap my feet were aching and blistered so I gave up, came home and burnt calories by jogging on the spot and using my trampoline, how sad. I've managed to track down another stepper though, i'm so wary of these things now, I only need one to last me until my £200 cross trainer will arrive, as it's heavy duty, i don't have to worry about it breaking down on me, so today after work i'm gonna collect the stepper and pray it will do me justice. I've already burned off 562 calories today at work which is pretty good, I would of burned off that amount by the time I got home but i still got an hour to go of work, so yay and all that. Let us all just take a serious moment and pray that the stepper I buy later is absolutely fine, pleash.