10652 Blog Feed: poppyxstars 2008-07-01 07:07:50 poppyxstars Your e-mail address 116945 2008-07-01 07:49:50
I've lost more weight. I now weigh 9 and a half stone. My natural body weight. I can't really believe it, but I'm here. I'm not eating to maintain my weight though, it's more for my sweet tooth and to lose more weight. I have breakfast really late (about 1pm) because if I have it early then by 12pm I'm starving and I'll eat lunch and having lunch makes me feel uneasy, so then I don't eat anything really until 6/7pm where I'll have a salad or fruit salad then my little sweet treats after. I do snack on fruit all day though, even before breakfast to keep my metabolism spinning. Grapes are the major snack, I bloody adore them, they're so nice. I'm still rather obsessed with ice cream still, I just can't stop!

I will come back to edit this during the week, I've got quite a few errands to run.


]]> 107760 2008-06-11 04:56:14
My eating has also been sketchy too. On a work day, I burn off over 1200 calories but make sure I consume no more than 500. Yesterday, I burned off 1500 and only ate a fruit salad and a bit of cake. My eating has seriously been affected by emotions recently and it's not so good. I do have my views on Ben and Jerry's now though.

Being at work doesn't allow me to write as much as I normally would love to but I will come back and edit soon.

EDIT.

I've got a few peaceful moments at work to myself, I need to type out my thoughts so I can try and make sense of them, they're so muddled at the moment, I've even made myself such a strong coffee that I haven't even tasted it yet, I'm worried I'll look like I've sniffed acid on the bus home.

Well, the ex did text back, saying I can call him anytime if I want to, anyway and I left it at that, I haven't texted back, I don't think I want to.

Well, I booked a holiday for and the crazy old woman (mother..) there are 88 days to go, yes I am counting down the days and yes, it is a long way away but who cares, were so excited. Going to Greece suprisingly enough. Mother & Torba (therapist) keep heckling me about burning the bridges with dad. Why the hell should I? He is the father, why can't he just suprise me for once and be a man? They keep going on and on about it to me, especially mum, and I'm starting to feel a tad too sick about it now. Talking of Torba, I had an appointment with her yesterday, it seemed to be the most positive session so far, but there's a part of me wishing she could tap into the unknown part of me, the part where all my feelings are aliens and unexplained, out of control thoughts and helplessness. I try to express it so she can catch onto it, but I never know how to bring it across, I'm worried my mental state is going to stay like this forever. I know having an eating disorder can seriously affect your mentality, but not that much surely?

Food. Oh food. I've been really cut up about my eating habits recently. I feel like I've gained weight, but I haven't, my trousers are loose again, but I feel more self concious than ever. I don't know how to fix it. I haven't been eating (that) bad. I do give myself weekend treats, a new thing I made up simply because I can. I eat very well within the week, but weekends are free. For example, the past two weekends, I've devoured a tub of Ben and Jerry's, and I felt guilty for like five minutes. I think what it is that is making me feel so guilty is my exercise equipment. My stepper died again, so I ordered a £180 ellipitcal (sp?) trainer with a built in stepper, when it arrived and got set up, I was so excited, but when I jumped on it, the thing was huge compared to me, I couldn't even reach the handles or use it properly, so I have to return it sadly and for now I'm depending on my twist 'n' tone which burns 100 cals per 10 mins and walking. I make sure I walk way too much on purpose as I wear a pedometer to count my calories being burned, I've input my weight and stride length so I know it's accurate too, but it just doesn't feel like it's enough, and I know I'm gonna have to buy something very soon to help me out. I came across a 10 minute solution calorie burner DVD and have read great reviews about it, so I'm certainly going to give that a try, I was thinking I could get a treadmill maybe? I need to buy a foldable one anyway for when I go to Greece, because with all that food out there, there is no way I'm having no way of exercising. I don't really mind having to exercise whilst on holiday, I know people would find it a drag, but I want to eat the food I want to in Greece, not restrict myself, I mean obviously I will have my own restrictions, but instead of not having the food at all, I can just have small bites. I really am okay about it, I can't go without exercise, it does boost my endorphins and makes me feel incredibly better. I found a company that offers great deals on machines with finance too, so I think I'm gonna give them a call.

The only downside to the holiday thing is that I'm having to work extra hours for a whole month until I've paid the loan off, I know, it is really rubbish actually, I hardly get to see mum throughout the week, but no matter, the weekends make up for it.

Anyhoo, I've drank my coffee, I feel like I'm spinning in a circle and my hands are moving so fast on this keyboard that I think it's best I go tbh.

I know I said it already, but yay for Scrubs season 8. I'm so excited.
]]> 87630 2008-04-17 10:29:31
EDIT.

I really hate how much time work consumes. I feel like it's slipping away so fast that I can't grab it, like I'm sinking. Anyway, about Torba. I've seen her twice now, third tomorrow and I'm actually looking forward to it. I know it sounds dramatic and typical, but counselling is... I'm not sure what to say, it's hard yet easy. It's easy for me to relay my memories but hard to deal with the feelings that come with them. Both times I've cried, and it didn't feel like my nomal, general crying, it felt like deep crying, as if it was coming from my soul. Of course, snot decided to make an appearance too.

I actually checked my weight again last week and I've lost half a stone, I'm so thrilled, I'm at my perfect weight now and I'm delighted. I know the way I've achieved isn't good at all, but I can't break old habits. I barely eat within the weekdays but have a huge bowl of melon at 7ish and then a yogurt and something sweet, it feels bad and forbidden but I have to remember that all I've eaten for the day was a bowl of cereal for breakfast and thats it, maybe grapes but thats it.

Things with mister have died, sadly. He decided that he couldn't be bothered with me anymore and has been rather emotionally vicious to me, which is so unlike him. Everytime I think about whats happened, my heart goes cold and my eyes sting, I can't allow myself to wallow in this and be sad, I have to block it out, I will not let him make me feel absolutely disgusting for months on end just because he thought I wasn't good enough anymore, he can eff rrrrrrrrrright of. I guess my emotions have been affecting my food choice though. I've been skipping food and sometimes just eating sweet things. Chocolate, cake, etc. But only to a certain extent, within my calorie intake I mean. I make sure I exercise off at least 1000 calories a day and usually never go above 500 the very, very highest.

I love the warm weather, it gives me hope again, I can't wait for me and mother to go a theme park, Thorpe it seems, she hasn't been there yet (i have) so I know she will love it, I know it sounds strange, going to a theme park with just your mum but we have such a laugh, it's always the best time to go. Of course, Theme parks offer lovely, mouth-watering treats for you to indulge in. I've already planned ahead, sadly. Yes thats right, I did, and I am sad for it but I don'ty carey. They have a Cafe Nero there, where I can purchase a lovely hewge fruit salad to munch on, with an Innocent smoothie. And my naughty treat will be a hot waffle with two scoops of ice cream (chocolate & vanilla) Mother said she will share with me too which is a big help so I don't even have to feel bad, so woohoo for me. Last time I had that dessert was in Greece, on a Greek island with my Dad, and others, called Spetsas, very boring, never go there unless you enjoy your apartment being on the steepest hills that you actually have a choice of walking or hiring a donkey to take you up, and then having the most perviest waiters going, asking you if you care to join them round the back, after dinner? I actually wouldn't of minded if there was some alcohol action going on but as usual, dad went berserk and nearly killed all of them with one fist, similar to a bowling alley knockout thing. Ho-hum, Greek dads ey?

Woohoo for Scrubs finally being aired again, I love it, I can't watch enough of it, I'm so scared as to what the ending could be.

7:51pm, melon time.
]]> 85894 2008-04-12 11:52:06  
i wish i could write about something fantastic that has happened but to be honest, i am so steaming mad that the veins have come up on the back of my hand and i cannot seem to keep my hands still, I could actually kill someone with the hatred or annoyance, whatever it is that i'm feeling. for a girl, who can be selfish, i've got one hell of a selfish effing mother, i tell you that.

she has to make EVERYTHING about her. if i tell her about my day, like a story or whatever, she has to go one better. if i mention i feel sad or upset, she states that she feels even more sad or upset, it's just everything, absolutely everything and now i'm sitting crying my eyes out because im so angry at her, she won't just be a normal mother, she just has to do things when she wants and does what she wants bar the fact she has a daughter. i deliberately haven't eaten anything today because i'm cooking a massive greek dinner for us to sit down and enjoy, and the meal is so filling i thought i'll skip breakfast (yes im aware its bad for you, but its for one day) and i'll work out, clean up my room and by the time i'm done, the food is ready. but no, today just doesn't happen like that. my stepper broke, completely broke, so i got it exchanged this morning, i came home, set it up, not working. take it back to the shop for another exchange an hour later, i come back home, set it up, seems fine, start using it, until it breaks. i wasn't even using it heavily. so i got slightly down about my calorie intake outtake fiasco but i was dealing with it fine. so the food is nearly ready and mum decided she wanted to take a nap!? she knew full well about me not eating beforehand and that really annoyed me so i asked her to wake up and please set the table, and when she came out in the kitchen she gave me complete attitude, i told her to not give me any attitude, especially on a day like this and she screamed at me and called me a child and how dare i talk to her like that. i carried on finishing up dinner and laid the dishes out on the table for us and when she sat down i fully apologised but noted that i'm not a kid, anymore. then, she got up, done the washing up, and all this time i'm sat at the table with my plate full, but i'm not eating it yet, i was waiting for mum to get back, and i was so hungry but i could wait, then when she finished, she went to her bed. I asked her how long is she going to be and she replied 'i dont want to eat'.
if she wasn't there, i would of cried there and then but i just got up, grabbed as many dishes as i could and threw everything on the kitchen counter and sat in my room and cried my eyes out. i was so hungry i actually felt sick, but i just kept it together, tidied my room, had a bath and now i'm sitting here writing this. i'm so angry. this has got to be the most pathetic arguement thats made me feel like a 12 year old, ever. my bedroom door is even locked so she cant come near me. i'm just so disappointed and angry, upset, everything. i feel dizzy and lightheaded. im so hungry but i refuse to eat, i don't want nothing anymore, she has totally ruined my appetite. as for not having a stepper which scares the crap out of me, im going to wake up extra early tomorrow morning and go to the park to walk it off, i don't want to be near her. i know im extremely stubborn but in this situation, it's sticking.

i hate this, i really do, but at least the only thing i have that cheers me up is finally scrubs s07eo7, finally downloaded it and i can watch it, yay.

EDIT.

Well, it's monday, we sort of made up yesterday. How crazy is it that i'm in my twenties and I'm writing down hatred thoughts of family? It's like I'm 14 again. She apologised the most (well.. obvie) and we had the dinner properly and all seems well. I only burned off 700+ calories yesterday and consumed around 500-ish? I say 500-ish because the weekend is my treat time but it was a bit difficult without my stepper, so I woke up at 6am and went to walk in the park, but as soon as i get there, what happens? My trainers start to blister. I got so annoyed and was still slightly sleeping behind my sunglasses that I just wrenched my trainers off and carried on walking, in my socks. Yes, i was that desperate. But by the time I done one full lap my feet were aching and blistered so I gave up, came home and burnt calories by jogging on the spot and using my trampoline, how sad. I've managed to track down another stepper though, i'm so wary of these things now, I only need one to last me until my £200 cross trainer will arrive, as it's heavy duty, i don't have to worry about it breaking down on me, so today after work i'm gonna collect the stepper and pray it will do me justice. I've already burned off 562 calories today at work which is pretty good, I would of burned off that amount by the time I got home but i still got an hour to go of work, so yay and all that. Let us all just take a serious moment and pray that the stepper I buy later is absolutely fine, pleash. ]]> 71111 2008-03-04 09:15:48
Well, yours truly has her old job back. My boss contacted me and said the company has picked back up now and if I like, I can come back, so obviously I did. Mother was very glad for me and yay for me too! I get to finish at 4pm now which is just fantastic, I hated finishing at 6pm.

A week ago I would of had so much to write about but right now, I can't think of much so I'll babble on. I can't wait for Easter weekend, were going to celebrate it Greek style (I may dislike my dad but hey, when you're Greek, you're Greek) so were gonna have a massive feast with all classic recipes, I can't wait. Talking of food, I'm going to Chessington World of Adventures soon and I know I will be burning up quite a few calories with all that walking, etc, so I shouldn't be too choosy on what I eat, but I know I will be and I'm already dreading it! How crap that food is gonna take over this day. Everytime I used to go there I would always buy a bag of hot sugar-cinnamon donuts and now I have to resist them, argh. I hate food, I realy do. I was in a Chocolatiers the other day and my resistance was literally 5 seconds away from crumbling so I had to take myself out of the shop. My sugar cravings are crazy high right now.

I went to the doctors last week who have finally put me forward to a counseller or therapist, whatever they're called and I'm very grateful. I really need to talk to someone, and get these horrible thoughts out of my mind. At night time, it's scary, my mind fills up with these horror stories about my life or loved ones, it's really horrible.

I got movie night tomorrow with the mister, weve downloaded our two choices each of films and he is gonna come over, i'm gonna make popcorn and (diet) soda and we shall be getting stuck right in, I can't wait! I just hope he doesn't bring food because he's been telling me to gain weight and that i'm way too skinny (i cant believe he called me skinny - eek!) and I don't eat enough. Obviously men so do not need to hear the truth. I kinda discussed going out the US in 3-4 years and he sounds interested in it too, I think deep down, he knows i'm right, we cannot be in this country when we are in our 30's, we will go insane. & no way am I bringing up children in London, I don't need a gangster in the family, thnx. I love american apparell btw.

Not that long till Scrubs Season 7 continues to air again, I'm so excited!

It's 10:25am, I've burned off 1150 calories, washed my hair, consumed an orange, and soon I'm about to blanch some vegetables, find an outfit for work and then have my big bubble bath! ]]> 67949 2008-02-25 04:11:37
I actually weighed myself the other day. Well no, thats a lie, the mister actually picked me up by both legs and then somehow pinned me to the scales because he insisted I needed to gain another stone and wanted to find out my weight. I weigh 10 stone. 10 stone. This is the first time in my life I have ever weighed in this light! That means i've lost over 4 stone. I'm still in shock, it hasn't confirmed yet. I do wish I didn't find out though, because theres a part of me that is sort of pigging out because it's thinking 'I'm 10 stone, I can eat what I want!' Which isn't the case at all, so I will cut back this week and start using my 10 calorie jellies to devour my sweet cravings. Which is hard when there is a big bag of chocolate sitting in mothers bedroom.

I've got an appointment at the doctors tomorrow, I'm actually going to ask if I can be referred to a therapist, because i really do need extra mental help as i feel helpless. I can't even explain it properly but everything has gone dark now, i feel empty. I don't think or feel depressed, i honestly think it's deeper than that, if a 'deeper' even exists.

I've just washed my hair, I love the outcome of the process but what a frickin' hassle if you have long hair. (I do.)

EDIT.

Well, I went to the doctors and I got so frustrated I actually wanted to headbutt my doctor. I explained why I feel like I need to talk to someone professional but she butted right in asking me questions about my weight and literally threw me on the scales and would not shut up when she realised I have lost over 4 stone, basically 5 stone. She thinks there is a big problem, honestly, I disagree. I'm 10 stone now, I can maintain my weight, I'm at my slimmest I have ever been in my life and I adore it. Anyway, she has asked for a food therapist to contact me eventhough I said I don't think any of my problems are food related but she gave me this sort of 'hey, weve all been there looks' and insisted that I must do what she think is right. I actually think my doctor might be neurotic too which could end up being fab as I could easily convince her to give me some valium and laxatives. She had this manic shock look constantly on her face too.

I've realised that I am going through a very emotional journey and it's tricky, because I could be in the middle of an emotion, or 'trip' (it's the only way I can describe this!) and someone is talking to me and I end up ignoring them, i don't mean to, i just can't help it. I feel a lot more mellow than I did a month ago, too.

Melon. It needs to become your best friend if you want to lose weight. Melon is so low in calories that it's almost no calories. I leave them to get ripe (usually honeydew melons) then I cut it in half and have a huge bowl, it fills me up for hours and with all the water in the melon, it's an added bonus. I'm so excited for summer so i can just gorge on pure fruit, yum

Job hunting is still not going well, I'm constantly applying for places but I get nothing in return, it is so frickin' frustrating.

I love Natasha Bedingfield - Pocketful of sunshine. It really does brighten up my mood and make me think pure L.A.

Talking of L.A. Ever since I've mentioned to friends what i'm doing, they've decided they wanna do that too. pfft good luck love, i'm not helping them, i'm trying to get away from them too.

what a crap blog entry. ]]> 62016 2008-02-11 08:07:29
The past week has just been so low, i didn't even want to leave bed. I'm not eating anything properly, I'm barely even eating. I'm trying so hard to get a job but the only place that I had an interview with said that eventually, whether I like it or not, they will train me up to be an estate agent sales rep, ew i do not want to dedicate my life to deadlines and targets, thanks.

On monday, I actually felt suicidal. There's a major part of it that I can't explain, but for the first time in my life, I suffered that horrible feeling. I was helpless, I was crying my eyes out, didn't eat, just drank vodka and had weed. Mother felt helpless herself, she didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to do, and since then the low has just stayed, although it has given me some interesting thoughts. I don't feel like having a moment with an overdose or anything anymore, but I still feel horrible. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or laughed till it hurt.

Daily, i've been going out for walks in the massive park, just to think and clear my head, and I tried to pinpoint some things that genuinely make me feel happy, couple of friends, mother, etc, but the one that stuck out the most, was L.A. I love Los angeles, I am so passionate about it, I adore it every time I go over there and I cry everytime I leave. It feels like My Home. I feel like I belong, like i've always been there. So I've given myself a target that will keep me focused. In the next three years (latest, 2011) I am going to save, find a job, and an apartment in L.A. Screw it, why should I stay over here being miserable when it's the opposite for me in L.A? I'm planning to fly out there for Thanksgiving, I love that holiday, with a friend and while i'm there i'm going to find out all the info I can to make this happy. I know it sounds sudden and extreme but I've always felt this way about L.A. It's the place that alone just makes me happy so imagine when I discover things within it. Plus, the healthy food thing is way better over there than it is here. We don't get 100 calorie packs of reeses! Not fair. This whole thing will be a challenge and very hard, but it's what I want more than anything and I know it's the right choice. I love the clubs out there too, on Hollywood Boulevard, they're amazing. The guys can be a bit creepy though, this one guy would not stop following me in Area once, eugh. I think it's called Area, btw.

As for the mister? Pfft. I didn't see him yesterday, (valentines day) I don't even make a big deal out of it, because your love should show everyday, but I haven't seen him for ages and he said he will make it, then what happens? He lets me know he won't be back till Monday. I just feel so fed up and unappreciated by him. I know he's out of the county because there are some huge problems going on right now, but he could at least make time for me? Idk, i'm just so not in the mood for him anymore.

I'm not getting fat, at all, and my tummy is actually getting flatter, thanks to copious amounts of exercise on it, so tummy tucks can go swing now, but I just feel fat. I even tried on my jeans this morning to see if they would fit, and obviously they did, and were loose too, but i'm feeling seriously self concious today, I feel so chunky and I know i'm no longer not. blah, i hate this.

I just want to be in L.A as soon as possible. I'm dreading the visa process though, I've had a look online for what I need and what to do, but it sounds so confusing, do I get a green card or a working visa? I'd prefer the green card but obviously they seem the most difficult to obtain, well I'm guessing. I don't know how to get help on it either.

Yay for the writers strike finally ending, it's about time, apparantly Scrubs S.7 won't air until April!?!
11:22am. Exercise done, all I gotta do is meet mother for food shopping, woohoo.
]]> 57991 2008-02-01 04:43:13
Well, my new stepper that I got, that broke too! I mean what the hell, I seriously cannot be killing these machines that much? So I've got to wait for a much more flashier and sturdier looking stepper to be delivered to me and make do with my Twist 'n' Tone, which i'm starting to really hate, every time i look at it, i mentally deliver it death threats. I do 10 mins which burns 125 calories, on average. I do 5-6 sets a day so I'm burning off 500-700 calories, and make sure I eat well within the limits. Although last night, I didn't.

Let me start with the birthday party I threw for mother. I got champagne, balloons, banners, poppers, music, lights, glitter, umbrellas for the cocktails, strawberries for the champagne, a cake, candles, etc all the tacky stuff which we LOVE and transformed it into a party in mums bedroom with a 70's album playing (courtesy of free downloading - thank you pleash) and I also bought us two tiaras, she had the Queen Bee one and I had the glittery pink princess one (my inner 5 year old came out) and we had a bloody blast. I got so drunk on champagne, it was fantastic, we was both prancing around the room to Dusty Springfield and Michael Jackson. I also made* a cake. Please note the star next to made. See, I was seriously planning to make the cake from scratch, as always, but I was so busted for time that I had to buy a Betty Crocker cake mix. I knoooow, it's terrible of me, it was the marble cake one, and I baked it and smothered it in her chocolate frosting as the birthday cake and damn it was good. Me and mum could not stop eating it. I actually kept most of it down but I did purge a little, I won't lie. So overall she had a fab birthday which I was very pleased about, and she came home with lots of presents from her friends, and she came home with a box of cakes. There was one cake in the box that stood out to me, I didn't care for the others. A bakewell tart. My weakness. It was hewge. No-one ate it, it sat in the box for two days, until last night, I heard some horrible, terrible news from the mister and i comfort ate, straight away. I didn't even bring it up, I was too depressed to. Now today is a new day, I'm not splurging out today like that, I've set myself a menu for today and I will continue to hope and pray for what I'm asking for today, just for today.

probs edit this later, i wanna finish watching Juno first.

EDIT.

Lipobind. Why didn't anyone tell me? Have you read about it? It's weirdly too simple. It removes up to 150 cals of your meal. To be honest my meals never go above 200 cals so I'm not sure if it's doing me good or not. But I'm gonna buy it anyway. I purged yesterday, but the way things are going right now, i'm not so bothered about it. All I eat is porridge, thanks to painful braces, yet it consists of roughly 150 cals per huge bowl packed with berries and a peach and fills me right up. So I usually have that with a 100 cal treat later (usually choc angel delight or any low cal dessert cream) but last night? I started watching Barefoot Contessa. Wow. This lady cooks the most amazing food and you can so tell she does not care about her weight, it's the food she loves and she shows it. She made these orange choc chunk cakes that just made me want to cry, THEN, she made a pastry tart with apples with crumble on the top. I realised I had all of those ingredients, so what did I do? Yep, knocked it up and made it in an hour and it was so good, I didn't even feel bad. Well, until I purged, but hey. So my calorie allowance of yesterday was roughly 450 cals. Every morning I work out until I've burned off about 700 cals (at least) i've done just that today, i'm going out at 2:30pm so I will  use my pedometer to count my steps, etc. I feel like i've gained way too much weight recently. I can still fit into my size 10 (UK size) jeans easily, and I need a belt to hold them up, but it's just still not feeling enough, I don't have that slim feeling, so I'm gonna bring it back I guess. I secretly threw out all the hidden chocolates I bought. I know, i'm terrible.

Blah I wish I had more time to write, but I decided I'm gonna create a recipe blog. I'm not gonna do it to convince people to eat like me, no-one should, this is my own fault, but I know there are some ladies out there who would love to know a couple of tips & etc, hey?

egg whites are go-go.

oh & i finally recieved Scrubs season 6 on DVD, hurrah! ]]> 56638 2008-01-29 02:39:35
I need to cancel my direct debits, stop thinking about food, seriously tidy up my bedroom, drink water by the 5 litre load, constantly apply for jobs and keep making porridge. I have to go to the stupid job centre, I made an appointment with a lady to find jobs, so lets see how that goes, eventhough I'm dreading it. My ex-boss hasn't even got back to my text. I asked him if I could pop into the office so he could sign a few things for my credit card company to prove i'm not lying in order to buy more shoes, and that just frustrates me even more. Argh. I shouldn't make today a bad day if I have no idea what it will turn out like. The really funny thing is, the day I returned to work, and found out about the redundancy, that morning I wrote down on a piece of paper something like ''please sort my work mess out and let me and mum be happy'' and that happened. I don't know, probably a coincedence, yet it doesn't feel like it. Ever since this has happened, I've had a peculiar feeling about it all along, like this was almost supposed to be, i'm going in the right direction or something.

Food is playing a big part in me not being at work and I hate it. I haven't gained any weight although I feel like it. I don't want to purge anymore, just eat really healthy and stick to it, but I've been really bad and allowing myself 1 chocolate bar (it's only 164 cals and fits in with my daily calorie allowance) but I still feel bad! I have such a sweet tooth recently, I may be due on, I hope so, it will make this thing more tolerable but I'm not going to buy any more chocolate. Well, theres no need after mother came home with a Aero bar the size of the front door yesterday to 'suprise' me. Hm. Well, I'm a sucker for chocolate, so I could either totally banish it and just blitz it from the house, OR have my piece of the bar (a small piece) and savour it but thats it, when that bar is gone, there will be no more. Meh, I'll see. My daily diet is now something like a teeny bowl of branflakes at 7amish, porridge with stewed fruit about 12/1pm and then an egg white omelette with a mullerlight yogurt and maybe some choc after. I'm really trying not to eat so late, but I've gotten into the habit of snuggling up in bed with a magazine and eating my yogurt or any other low cal treat, watch the tv and start to snooze off! Honestly, I've become a grandma recently that I might as well see what knitting feels like, the cat could do with some booties.

07:37am and I don't feel like I can write anymore. I now have exercise to look forward to, half hour that ends in sweat, mmnice. ]]> 53398 2008-01-22 04:10:38
Friday, I should of been paid. D'you think it happened? I even asked my boss that day, and he said yeah, but nothing. I had to leave work early that day to go home and wait for the Gas guy to come round and fix the boiler, we had no hot water or heating, I had to wait from 1pm to 8pm, and he didn't come until after 6pm, I hate that! Anyway, so I didn't get paid, and my boss was apprehensive about letting me go home to wait for the boiler guy, I could really tell he thought I was lying, and spun me the story about the boy who cried wolf. Yes, I am aware of the story you stupid fucker, but it has no relevance to me, I'm not trying to leave early for the sake of it, I want hot water and heating, what else could I do? Mum couldn't get out of work which is why she asked me, otherwise the whole situation wouldn't of happened. I ended up texting my boss, which I know, seems so rude of me to do, and I asked him if I would get paid tonight, then he replied saying it's rude to remind him to pay me. Well if I owned a company, and there was a certain day that everyone gets paid, I would do it, I wouldn't hold any personal grudges in it or anything, them people worked for their money, therefore they are entitled to their pay. My boss did not pay me until 4:30pm saturday. I texted him again, explaining to him that I've got bills that needed paying, but because no money was there, the direct debit has been taken and now my account is in arrears, and me and mum had no food! We have never been in a situation like that before, but it is January, of course were gonna be a bit poor but it was so horrible waiting for that money. My boss texted back saying he has the same problems too, well if thats the case, then pay me on time as he can understand where i am coming from. I am just so mad. I'm back at work tomorrow, and the past three days i've felt so bad and guilty for badgering him for my pay, but because he didn't pay me on time, I've now lost out on over £100 in bank charges, £100 + just gone, like that. I'm so pissed off. Fuck it, I have nothing bad to feel about.

Now today, I just want peace and quiet, I really do. But the mister wants to come around at 2pm and stay until I go bed. As much as I love him and I haven't seen him for a week, today I really want my space and time on my own, i'm going to suffocate with him around me for all that time. I also wanted time with mum later so I could just talk shit through with her, she always helps me out.

09:09am. I done my exercise, I got my hair wash and bath to have and sort out what to do with him. Hopefully he will leave earlier. I know I sound mean but I really need space to get my head clear.

meh, edit later.

EDITEDITEDIT:

Well. I went to work, and I didn't get fired, oh no, of course not, I got made redundant instead. The company has gone bankrupt. Isn't that just so typical for me? And believe me, I am not even exaggerating. So, my days have been filled up with many tears of anger and shock and then replaced with hate and sometimes a bit of optimism poked in and out. The biggest question for me is just a big fat 'WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?!?!?!?!?!?' which does hurt my mind. I'm stuck, and I'm fucked, basically. I've been crazily applying for jobs and have to figure a way out. I'm so fed up, I really am, I can't believe I have to go through this bollocks. It's like God and whoever else is doing the flippin' running man on my good luck box, as it's all ran out. Actually, scratch that, I'm petrified. I have never depended on my money as much as I do now and it's just been taken from me. The terrible thing is that I saw the bankrupty coming, I could just feel it, he was way out of line with his spending. But what can I do now? Remain positive and just find a job. I've got no other choice. I've ended up working for more than half an hour to an hour a day now, frightened not being active will show, and theres no way i'm letting that happen, so I have to be back on a strict, disgustingly hungry diet until I can find my feet again.

Another thing, we so nearly won the lottery last night, we just needed one more number to win serious cash, but no, stupid sods law prevented that too.

''you can't go looking for fate, it has to come to you!'' ]]> 49649 2008-01-14 06:44:24
So yup, I know, my diet isn't the best thought out one ever, but I can manage it happily though. I'm in the process of getting a BodyBugg too. Anyway, so the tummy tuck thing. Since adjusting my diet to a healthy diet ('arf), I have been doing daily exercise too, i walk everywhere, i volunteer to do the housework (well, it can be a bit tricky for mother if she is too busy watching Jeremy Kyle because ''the funny people make her laugh''). I mean, throughout christmas, I exercised every damn morning for a good 30 mins and I feel and see the results, I feel a teeny bit proud of myself, and i know, i shouldn't, with my food past but i've realised that my tummy doesn't stick out because i'm fat. I actually like the size and shape of my body and I honestly wouldn't want to go any smaller. My size 10 jeans are loose, already! It sticks out because it is just pure saggy skin (as yucky as that sounds) but it is, it's excessive skin that I don't need anymore, and I really do feel that if I get the tummy tuck, it will end my demons. All I have to worry about, is just maintaining my weight, not losing it, for the first time in my life I could do something like that. From a size 18-20 to a size 10, I do feel I deserve the operation. Actually, I rather sound like I'm trying to convince myself, maybe I am, but I know it's what I want.

I'm back to working shifts at work now, so I'm back in tomorrow and I finish friday, woohoo. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do this year and I haven't made any resolutions, but I have a sort of newish frame of mind. If I want to achieve something, then I need to stop talking about 'thinking of doing it' and just actually do it. I feel like I've discovered something new in me, I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm delirious from my medication. I'm terribly ill, I feel like the absolute bollocks, and not in the 'I feel well good' way either. I feel like sweaty cow dangalang.

I watched Stardust the other day, finally, and wow, what an amazing film, I cannot stop gushing about it. Talking of TV, I am still so pissed off with NBC and the airing of Scrubs S07E07 (can you tell i download way too much?) They are seriously taking their stupid, stupid time. It's nearly damaging to me.

One more thing before I go. Lots of people that I have cut out of my life have started to contact me again recently. Ex-friends that really burnt me. I actually contacted them back, responded to their messages, and part of me still isn't sure why. A part of me did feel slightly guilty but then I sat back and thought 'fuck it, it's not happening again' Shame on you for messing me around once, shame on me for letting you mess me around twice. I know it is completely stubborn but I'm not opening them doors again.

Did I write about NYE? I will anyway, again, if necessary. I didn't have have plans made, at all. Sounds boring, but NYE is way over-rated. Much better to get drunk over easter with the frilly eggs and cute bunnies. Anyway, my loveeeely friend *Missy (I always call her that) text me asking if she could come over and chill with me and the mother. (Missy is quite drawn to the mother, they really get on with each other, infact when she is staying over, it is like having family there) and we both got dressed up and hit a bar down the road in the highest heels ever, it took us like 40 mins to walk a 5 min walk and we glugged down champagne and staggered out of there, and Missy decides she wants some fried chicken. I really didn't feel like greasy chicken (I'm lying, I was drooling down to my intestines inside) so we grabbed like two buckets full of fries, chicken, ribs, coleslaw, all of it and came back to the house (it was 10pmish at this point, we thought it was 1am though) and got back to the house and sang 'Happy New Yearrrrrr' to the mother and woke her up. I wasn't even suprised, she probably passed out from styling her hair, and she was estactic to see fried chicken, it is her absolute favourite. (I had a prawn cocktail with low cal mayo - boring, i know) and then, we cracked out more champagne, put music on, played board games, talked for ages, we didn't get to bed till 5am but it was the best night *in* ever. It was so funny.

Anyway, it's 11:42am and I would like to get my trash TV on, which is Maury. I love that programme. ]]> 42167 2007-12-27 15:22:13 I'm so crazy busy that I can't even write properly because, oh no, i just had to say yes to a stupid drink with stupid people. Still, I'm ordering champagne, i've become amazingly partial to it. Will edit this.

EDIT.

It's 07:33am and I've just came off my stepping machine. I'm a freak, right? I woke up at 7am too. I agree with myself, I am becoming rather.. strange. Anyway, I need to write out all this stupid dad stuff, it's been bunched up in my mind for days and I've only got a few minutes so here I go.

Christmas, my father rang me and straight away I noticed his tone and it wasn't good. Me and dad have never had a good relationship, to be really honest, I could never give anyone a happy memory of me and dad, all I can remember is him telling me what a shame I am to him. I don't know what his favourite colour, food, song, anything is. I just about know he likes mercedes, seeing as the garage is full of about 5 of them and he likes big protective dogs, like a staffordshire pure breed. One of them bit through my hand when I was about 10  years old, mind. So, his tone. he begrudgingly wished me a happy birthday and christmas, but I could tell he didn't want to wish me well, he didn't even sound like he meant it. Then, he went straight onto the good stuff. ''I'm not happy with you, I'm going to call you on thursday to tell you why you shame me'' basically all of his words sum up to that previous sentence. I just put the phone down on him and sat on my bed and stared at the wall for five minutes. Mum was also in the room with me too and she didn't say anything, just rubbed my back, then I started crying. I was so angry that yet again he can waltz into my christmas, fuck it up, then leave again. He never has been a father to me. Hand on heart I've never learned anything from him either, and why should I allow someone like that in my life? If it was anyone else, I would drop them quick, but for some reason, I'll let a nasty person who has never done his role of parenthood tell me he thinks i'm shit because i'm not at his back and call? Fuck that, I don't need any man ever giving me shit. I chopped up my sim card so dad can never get through to me again. He has the house number but we're changing that too. May seem harsh, but I'm past caring. 20 years is too long to let me feel bad about myself, it's done. I've never needed a dad, so why would i need one now?

Meanwhile, back to me. I have spent probably around £300 in the sales and I seriously cannot help it. I've never seen so many pretty dresses and shoes. Infact, I'm up early on a sunday because the mister is coming round at 10am and we're going to do more shopping, hurrah! I got an ipod touch for christmas btw, I was so suprised, that I cried again. I'm such a wuss.

Food. Egg white omelettes help out, a lot. So does cereal. I even made a turkey soup with fresh veg and according to my calorie bible (bought it recently, absolutely fantastic) it works out to a roughish 100 cals per huge bowl. Although last night, I purged on a chocolate selection and instantly regretted it in the middle of brushing my teeth, but to be fair, I haven't had chocolate for two weeks and I've been stuffing fruit in my face everyday and I'm starting to drink hot water with lemon for the metabolism, etc. I've also been exercising everyday, which is fab for me. I haven't purged in a long time, and I can't just sit here and be like it's no big deal, it is a big deal seeing as there was a worringly large amount of blood. Well, I think it was a blob of blood, or maybe it was a red grape. Hard to tell. Porridge really does fill you up too. I wish I could create the perfect light diet, I realised I cannot eat heavy meals anymore, after christmas dinner my tummy was in pain because for once, I was so full.

I've bought three new books recently, I'm currently reading ''Shopaholic & baby'' to be honest, if I wrote a book, it would come out exactly like that, the tone, the language, everything. I did start out writing a book a few years back, but I gave up, I didn't have the confidence for it, but I feel if i really sat down and planned it out, now, as a new thing for me, it could maybe work out. I mean only the drunk man downstairs will probably read it as I always give him chewing gum but at least it wasn't me that read it!

Now, it's 7:53am and I must go and have a bath, paint my nails, make up and get dressed and have breakfast in between. I don't usually have breakfast before I go out which I know is bad but after 8 years I still get terribly shy around the mister.

Oh and one more thing, scrubs is not being aired until the 26th of january? Is NBC is deliberately trying to ruin my christmas? Fuckers. Got Scrubs series 6 DVD on it's way to me. Which also reminds me, I'm seeing a lot fo good films recently, I need to go on a downloading spree. horrah. ]]> 36030 2007-12-09 02:09:35 No, really. I just remembered a memory. Me and the mister went to the food market to stock up on fruit & veg years ago in the summer, and we was standing at a fruit stall and I bought some stuff, then at the end he decided he wanted a watermelon, so he picks it up and gives it to me. First of all I was like ''bitch, you're the man, you carry this'' but then one of the owners of the stall came and gave me a bag to help me out with the melon, then went back to serving customers. The mister looked at me and suddenly done a 90 degree angle and walked off, leaving me with no choice but to go after him, then what happens? Next thing I hear is ''jeez you are such a stealer'' from him in a loud voice. I could of killed him, but we got away with it, and that melon was tasty. It fills you up loads too.

Christmas is so near, I've nearly completed my shopping for my mum, I just want to spoil her so much, I'm taking her to France before christmas day too, she'll love it, she can stock up on her alcohol and god knows what else she feeds her soul. I wouldn't be suprised if it was valium, I don't think. Work has been the same, I've still got the cute kid bugging the hell out of me, and also a new addition from a guy in the past, it's quite annoying and it's making me hate my mobile phone all of a sudden. Like, I hate this stupid little thing that vibrates insanely if someone is calling me and because it's my phone, I have to pick up. Wrong. I've ignored everyone (apart from closies) all week and I feel better already, honestly, I'm tempted to throw that thing out but then I wouldn't have a cute little accessory that I can hang my mini lipglosses off, so that loses. I'll just leave it on silent forever, yeah.

I have 10 days of work left, which is spreaded out for two weeks, but yay, 10 days of that stupid office and then I'm free!

I'm still killing the exercise thing, I do it 4 times a week now, although I didn't manage to do it on friday so it's just 3 times this week but I've been eating super healthy at the weekend to make up for it. Bran cereal (98 calories per bowl) then I had a prawn mayo (weightwatchers mayo, 15 cals per tablespoon) salad and I threw in a boiled egg, then I had a jello (i only say jello because jelly sounds rubbish) that is less than 10 calories! I'm obsessed with them, they get my sweet tooth, and I have no chocolate in the house either, hurrah. Todays menu will be (please bare in mind, I think everyone should treat themselves once a week and this is my day, damnit.) I will have bran cereal & sliced peaches. For dinner I will have a baked potato, salad and orange spaghetti (people who don't know what this is, it's like, another version of baked beans, if you know what they are) but anyway, the spaghetti is lower in everything compared to the beans and after, I will have two mince pies for dessert. I don't feel like it's a guilty meal, okay, maybe the mince pies, but they are the only bad thing of the day, and it's two small ones. Then back in the week, I resort to the cereal diet. My weight hasn't gone up, just down, I actually need to see about purchasing size 10 jeans because my size 12s are so loose right now and I hate that, but I so do not want to try on a size 10 and then all of a sudden, the jeans are just not moving above the knee, how devastating would that feel? It's like scales, you can feel fantastic with your weight progress, and then you decide to check the scales, and what happens? Scalelands comes over and poo's all over it. Numnuts.

Scrubs. Scrubby scrub scerubs. I watched the 6th episode of series 7 last night and did I laugh! Bit sad with the euthanasia patient but with Todd pretending to be JD? There was tears. I so wanna watch it again, but I will not let myself. I got the series 5 DVD this week and I've just moved onto the 2nd disc of the 4. I hate it running out! But series 6 will be out in January, hoorayness.

It's 08:53am and I'm sitting here with my hair wrapped up in a towel, a bath to run, magazines to read, breakfast to eat and some weed to be smoked.

EDIT: It's 10:38am and I'm trying something. I came across a website, and many others actually who talked about egg white omelettes. A 2 egg white omelette is roughly 50 calories (how frickin' great!) so I threw some frozen peas, pinch of pepper (never salt) and sprayed my 1 cal per spray oil five times and made the omelette (I just sealed the bottom and finished it off in the grill) and I have just eaten it, I do already feel considerably satisifed. And the best thing is, I can still have my cereal and peach slices, I can't even worry about 50 calories. I feel slightly elated about discovering these omelettes, yay. ]]> 33767 2007-12-02 03:34:02 I seem to have an admirer OR a stalker, I'll discuss this soon so we can decide. Oh and yes, I do count the 1st of December as the first day of christmas, I can't help it.

Yesterday was a lovely day, me and mother went out shopping for the usual bits and then we came home, offloaded our stuff, I exercised then just chilled out watching the X factor and I FINALLY got round to watching Scrubs S07E05! I'll write about it in a bit. But yay, literally three weeks until christmas and just three weeks of smelly work!

Not much has been happening really, but I should talk about the weirdo now. Every morning on my way to work, I always see three SCHOOLBOYS. Who are aged 16. And one of them, the tallest one, and he has told me his name twice and you think I can remember it? Anyway, everyday he talks to me, takes me to the bus stop and calls me beautiful, he is quite sweet but I feel rather scared incase he is going to grab me, sling me over his shoulder and run like the wind or something, he really is that tall. He knows I have a boyfriend too but for some reason, it doesn't faze him at all. I look at him like a little puppy, I actually pinched his cheek the other day.

My weight has gone down, due to consistent exercise and the (rightish) foods. Last night was a Saturday night and I didn't even go overboard. I had cereal, then a healthy dinner which consisted of 277 calories and I had a 9 calorie jelly. The jellies are made by Hartleys and come in these cute plastic tubs for 58p if you want to try them, they seriously killed my sweet cravings, I have to buy of them. Food for today will be a bowl of cereal with strawberries and then at around 4pm (I bet it will be 3pm) I will have a baked potato with no butter, salad and beans. I know the beans are not exactly sinful or saintly but I thought I could be allowed since I'm not having butter, I usuallly scoop the mash out and beat it with some skimmed milk, same results hardly any calories. Everytime I have a baked potato, they fill me up so much that theres no way I can touch anything else for the rest of the afternoon/night so thats why I'm branching out on the food tonight and I have to keep reminding myself because last night when I ate my dinner I felt so fat and nasty afterwards but I kept reminding myself that the meal is not going to make me instantly massive and it's healthy. I'm also drinking huge bottles of water today too, to help cleanse me out and fill me up as it is.

It's 10:11am. I'm in the middle of watching Hollyoaks that keeps preventing me from typing and I'm working out when to have breakfast and then watch Scrubs, which I shall talk about! How fereakin' hilairious was JD with little Sammy deciding on lil JD (Jennifer Dillian) or Turk's African princess! I think if Sammy got with Isabella (I think thats the name of Turk & Carla's baby) It would be perfect but maybe slightly wrong, and the same with lil' JD. But I think I would choose Isabella. It just has to be, and yes I am obsessing over this.

I'm so tired from my workout this morning, it's so frustrating being on the stepper and you can't stop looking at how many minutes you've got to go, that bugs me the most.

I might have a coffee this morning, I won't let myself drink them anymore because caffeine seriously stains but then I've also got a serious stain remover for teeth so one glass will not do any harm.

Oh, one more thing before I go, I have a cat, called bobby, 16 years old, rather healthy for his age and I love him, he has been with me ever since I was 4 years old but I think his time will come soon, maybe a year. I'm gonna hate it because I love him so much, he isn't just a pet or whatevs, he's like.. my walking belt hanger. No, I mean it, I drape my belts on him and he just follows me around until I choose one. Then again, I throw a rubber band and he actually fetches it and waits for the next throw, so he isn't all there, but anyway, this morning when I woke up, as soon as I got out of bed, he decided to attach himself to my ankles, then cling on for dear life while I dragged one leg behind me to get to the toilet, then he detached himself and went for a drink of water, grr.

10:20am, breakfast times. ]]> 31356 2007-11-25 04:48:19 So here I am, Sunday morning, 11:19am to be precise. I've been up since 7am as usual but I got my usuals out of the way, exercse, hairwash, bath, breakfast, etc. I was sitting on my bed writing out my christmas list (mothers request) and I started reading a magazine and saw a bingo site that it was promoting, so I signed up, played and won £100 from £10, woohoo! That will seriously help me out very muchos. Afterwards I put another £10 but I only made an £8 profit which is good but I left it now, but I so seriously want to put another £10 but then I realised it's rather too early for gambling habits to begin, muchos fun though!

I'm sorted on the christmas presents for others front. I ordered my boyf a sony bluetooth watch and the playstation 3, and mother, a trip to Paris, loads of other presents and a gorgeous vanity case full of her make up x 3 so it should last her throughout the year. Yeah so I am happy with that. Nothing has been happening much to really blabber on about. I mean, I'm still obsessed with Scrubs, I still smoke weed, I'm still if not more neurotic and basically letting food take over my life. Actually I've been quite good with the food. I've slightly moved onto those sachets of porridge that contain 98 cals, I can add few couple of calories topping it up with fresh fruit or diet sugar, mostly diet sugar and it keeps me full for much longer. Sweet stuff I haven't eaten barely any throughout the last week, which cheers me up because I've realised that I don't always want it, just when the red bitch, or crimson waves if you prefer, comes into town. I also haven't purged in a while. Okay it's a lie, I purged last night on chinese takeout that mum got, but all I had was the usual sweet and sour and a small portion too, but after I realised how shiny the rice was, with oil, I had to bring it up but I haven't purged before or after last night. My hair has gotten so much more better and I am very thankful for that, I think it's the calcium and vitamins.

Things with me & mum are well too, she has been crying way too much recently, like I'm on the verge of begging her to shut up, I'm seriously biting my tongue on this. I know it's mean and that I should be supportive, I am supportive dammit, but there is only so much I can flipping take after getting home at 6:30PM when I left the house at 8:20AM and straight away, she starts. So, so, neurotic, really. My mum is like one of them glamorous mums, you always see them dressed up to the nines, a cocktail glass in one hand and a copy of Take A Break in the other whilst she gently curses the cat when he tries to grab food from her plate, again. Once, someone asked if I really did come from my mother. (baring in mind I was like 6 years old at the time, oh and rough guess of age btw) I was suprised and not suprised. Were both blonde, sameish personalities but I would say I'm more laidback and not so into the.. Glam stuff.. Well I am, just not enough. I would have to gain the neurotic side of her though wouldn't I? Dad is just.. Well, insane. But this is a whole new topic.

I'm gonna go watch some Scrubs now, btw how annoying was it that NBC didn't screen the show on Thursday? Argh ruined my Friday nearly.
]]> 27024 2007-11-12 03:51:53 You have to love Elliot. But I'll get to that later. I strangley have a spare 20 minutes to type crap so I shall do. From my last entry, and getting quite emotional about my mother, the same day I told her about my dream, when I got home I really spoke to her about it and we cried our eyes about it for about half an hour. We completely got it out of our systems now and I feel so much better so I'm really glad.

Talking of scales, not that I ever go on them because I hate them, but after the past weekend I especially wouldn't. Because I was oh so due on my womanly month hell I had major sweet cravings, I mean major, my whole body was sore, I was hormonal crazy and all I ate was sweets, pure sweets. Hardly any chocolate, just penny jelly sweets, I was chowing on down. I did my exercise twice as much this weekend to make up for it, plus due to the cycle, I am bloated, but what an unhappy body image I have of myself recently. I'm still on the whole cereal based diet thing, I really do think it works for me. I just allow myself to go crazy on the weekends but I'm starting to think that it may be one day too long for food craziness. Maybe just Saturday nights if you want to have what you want, or maybe sundays for the whole comfort factor. My emotions are so tied up with food, it's terrible.

I'm still at home. I had a doctors appointment at 10am this morning and I was going to go there, then be back at work after 11ish, but I realised that I made my appointment two weeks early so I had to reschedule and I.. Err.. have been relaxing... Ever since. Much fun btw. I've been up since 7am, I had a bath, watched Scrubs, ate breakfast, got ready slowly, I didn't exercise though, which I really should of done instead of after work but I only realised after my bath and I don't want to go into work feeling all sweaty and I didn;t have the time for another bath, I'm a two hour girl.

I had a nice weekend, me and mum watched loads of movies, the mister has been doing a lot of overtime (were trying to save) and he rang me saturday morning and we was on the phone for like 3 hours! Being completely evil to me as usual, the bastard.

I've been making christmas lists for mum and the mister, mum I have sorted, but the boyfriend is always difficult to buy for, you can't ever please him enough, cheeky bitch. He's going to cause me bank damage this month, imagine the lack of new clothes, eurgh. Ah well, thats what January sales are for.

It's now 10:40am on ze dot and my back is killing me for some odd reason. All I need to do is do my hair, put my clothes on and I'm good to go but I don't want to be there at 11am on the dot, how crap is that, my doctors is in London Bridge, I need to think realistic style. I know I wouldn't come out of there until maybe.. Now? *Gulp* So, err.. I will start getting ready!

Oh wait, Scrubs episode 3, anyone see it? I cried with laughter with the Elliot & Dr. Cox scene, it was a really nice episode, the janitor has got some new serious space in that show now, but I love it. Three days till the next episode, yay! ]]> 25752 2007-11-08 03:08:15 I don't know if it's because I am so hugely due on my crimson wave or if I really am turning out to be more neurotic than I thought, but this morning, I have cried my eyes out whilst on the phone to mum.

I had a dream last night, a horrible dream. I was dreaming of every day life, I was watching me wake up, go to work, come home, spend time with and then sleep. But then one day, (in the dream) a message appeared for me out of nowhere. It read ''Take advantage of the time you have with your mother now, because you are slowly losing her' Ever since that, I've been wide awake. I know it's just a dream and I shouldn't take it seriously, but it scared the hell out of me. At the end of the day, it's just me and mum. I've got other people around me that I love with all my heart, but she is like the Queen compared to everyone else. this is so stupid and I was so angry at myself for crying to mum. She didn't get upset, just made me feel better, obviously she said she isn't going anywhere but it's so on my mind it's nearly ruining work for me. I think I'm going to ask her to get a check up at the doctors, just so I can know how she is. I just keep thinking to myself, 'what the hell am I going to do when it eventually is her time?' fuck, my eyes are welling up again.

I wish I had more time to write things out properly, not even at the weekend I have time.

Thursday tonight for Scrubs Series 7, epidose 3! So freakin' excited.

]]> 25079 2007-11-06 06:02:55 People really do expect a lot from you once you're not there as much as before. Ever since I've gotten this job, all I have been hearing is 'You are so busy, you never pick up the phone or get back to me, why don't you want to go out?' Simple, get a job, work 9 hours a day, get home at 7pm, fall asleep just after 9pm because I'm so exhausted, is it any wonder that I don't want to go out at the weekends? Thats my free time, my time. All I care about recently is working my arse off to bring in the money to support me and mum and looking after mum (yes mother also works too, but fuck face used to pay all of the bills, so now it's down to us) anyway, I had a shitty weekend, no time to myself at all, then Sunday night, I texted my friend, put my phone down, and went to wash my hair, when I came back into my room, I saw that my phone was alight, so I discovered that 'Isabella' left three missed calls and a message that read: ''so much for calling when I need you'' my lovely sources told me that apparantly, due to Isabellas Myspace Bulletin, her ''boyfriend'' (who slept around with other girls and gave her an STI and she STILL carried on sleeping with him) has broken up with her and she is heartbroken. Ah well. So she thought she would bother me with this so she could cry and feel better about herself. I read her text message numberous times and really thought about what to reply with, but I was blank, so I just picked up the phone and let my fingers do the work, by the end of the message I basically said ''I'm not sitting here so we can discuss your life, you can't just pick me up and then throw me back down when you want to, I want my own time and space where I'm not talking/thinking/discussing you or your stupid problems. You've got no problems ripping me to pieces behind my back, but you still want to cry to me about your problems.'' I got really angry and I haven't heard from her since and I'm so glad, what a selfish bitch, after everything, she still comes across to me like that.

Anyway.

Scrubs series 7, episode 2. I cried my eyes out (again) he had the baby! I can't even get settled into the series yet, I'm still so eager, I don't know why! Is it me or has Janitor somehow got a bigger role? Two days until the next instalment anyway, I'm so frickin' excited.

One more thing, I hardly have any time and I always have to talk about my weight, everything is still the same, the whole home gym, cereal only in the week and weekends i relax a little on food, but not too much. I'll explain more ]]> 23078 2007-10-31 03:06:46 Things have settled down at home, a lot more better than all of the years gone by with him living there, and yes, I will only refer to him, as HIM. He moved out, well got thrown out last Monday, hasn't been back since, Mum is going to pack up all of his stuff and he can come and collect it on Saturday, I'll be there of course. The whole ordeal has been horrible though, he actually gave mum a death threat and is acting like the biggest idiot ever. Mum has been crying, not so much as I thought she would of though, but she knows she is better off without him and with just me and her, home is a much more happier place. I took mum out last Saturday and bought everything for her, new pyjamas, clothes, underwear, bed linen, the weekly food shop, gas and electricity, it wasn't really expensive (honestly, it wasn't) and she deserved cheering up. After Saturday, mum is going to change all of her numbers, including the house phone number, and get a security gate put on the front door, to protect us. I think it's mainly down to HIM but whatever, we'll be getting the locks changed and I know we'll both feel a lot more safer.

It was my anniversary a few days ago and it was absolutely wonderful. The mister came and got me from work, and we still couldn't decide what to do seeing as we had work the next day, but in the meantime, he pulled over and we parked for a bit, and he gave me my presents, he gave me a gorgeous teddy bear, pink lilies (which he knows I adore) and the most beautiful diamond heart necklace. It's two hearts merged into one and it goes perfectly with the ring and bracelet he has also gotten me over the years, I wonder if next year is diamond earrings!? I also got a card, where it made me cry with what he wrote. I told him he is getting his present next month, I have to wait for it to be delivered, expensive too, it's a sony bluetooth watch that connects with your mobile phone and does amazing technology things together. But I did give him a little something to tide him over, with a card. I got three tiny little elephant charms, three different sizes, the biggest one, the medium one, and the baby = a family. Elephants always stick together and never let go, the weirdest thing was, on my card from him, there were baby elephants on the front. I'm still smiling from everything, we ended up going to dinner and just sitting there staring at each other or choking on our food with laughter due to the alcohol. I ate grilled salmon with dry vegetable stir fry (we went to a chinese restaurant) and he just chowed down on everything.

My eating habits have improved, I can't remember the last time I purged, but I am being careful with what I eat, I also got my home gym delivered and it's fantastic. I haven't had the chance to use it properly, but I'm very pleased so far, I'm in the middle of coming up with an exercise routine for after work and weekends.

It's 09:56am, I just recieved a text from this guy who keeps asking to see me, I wish he would go away, and I'm at work, feeling pretty okay actually.

I'm gonna go buy mum a little necklace with two elephants on there represent us because she loved the sound of the idea and I know she'll love it.

Oh & Optivia cereal, you have to try it, It doesn't taste nasty, it's only 104 calories per 45gr bowl, very low, Give it a try.

Oh crap, one more thing, SCRUBS! I finally downloaded Series 7, episode 1, I cried with laughter, I seriously wonder where this series is going to lead.

]]> 20390 2007-10-23 13:01:52 Last night was so terrible. My mums boyfriend came home at 8pm drunk out of his zone, he'd been drinking since 10am that day. He came home and called my mum a cunt. Then he broke her reading glasses and threw the cat whilst they weree arguing. All of a sudden, I heard my mum scream ''help!'' I came running out of my room, my heart beaing, I didn't know what to expect, I saw mum standing there covering her face with her hands, crying. I asked her whats wrong, then her boyf came out and started arguing with her, all of a sudden, mum lunged at him, hitting him wherever she could, then he started to fight back, I got so scared, I grabbed mum and pulled her back to get her out of the way, but she started fighting me to get to him, it was so heartbreaking, I had to literally grab her my her arms and hair so she couldn't hit me anymore and put her in my bedroom to calm down. As soon as I got her in, she started trying to get through me, I had to scream at her so hard,I've never ever had to sceam at someone like that and I did with mum. It was so dreadful. Eventually she calmed down and got into my bed, but then her boyf kicked my door down, raging. He screamed at mum, then turned on me, calling me a cunt, every name you could think of, it was awful, so horrible to hear. He started threatening me and mum so i threatened to call the police and he went mental, tearing things down, barging my door. Gradually he fell asleep and left home, I couldn't even sleep. I was so scared for the cat, that he was going to hurt him again. Thankfully the cat remained underneath my bed, I did not sleep for one second, I was shaking so bad it even woke my mum up, i was so scared of him coming back in, the cat going out of the room. but the cat got on the bed and fell asleep on my lap till i woke up, i felt so much better. I left work early at 3pm explaining to my boss, who was lovely. Me and mum spoke, we cried, i begged her to not take him back and she said she didnt want to so she told him not to and he hasn'r. though the front door is bolted and phones are off, were okay. he will come back tomorrow while i'm at work to collect his stuff. i'm still terrifed, i've hardly eaten or slept. I'm going to bed now and i will pray even harder that we'll be protected. i've never felt so scared in my own before. ]]>