I didn’t make it through to the finals of Business Excellence awards at work and although I know in my heart I worked hard over the course of 2007 part of me is questioning what I consider to be my achievements of the past year. Did I really achieve at work or did I come up short? I’m a little choked up with disappointment and I guess anyone would be. For me though I tried not to expect anything I was secretly hoping this would be something of a final sign off for me from work. I want out so badly but with the things I did last year I guess I got my reward last year – now the hard work has to be put in to getting out. Last year I got my MA grade that I expected which was good and I went on a 5 star holiday to Dubai courtesy of winning a random competition at work. It was great but you know – you like to be rewarded directly in connection with achievements. I’m used to disappointments having had to settle for second fiddle to my younger sister who get everything at a canter but the thought of possibly winning an award from work would just cap things. I am human and fairytales are few and far between. Call centres are full of rags to riches stories – that’s what’s they seem to love – the advisor who had no qualifications – making it up to top manager status. Ignorant as it sounds heck some things are just triggers that provoke a hail of bullets.

Some people tell me that these awards do depend on the amount of nominations you get and so that would imply either you have to be popular enough to get more than one – be so amazing that there is no choice people will nominate you or even do a mini campaign. Not saying that some people don’t earn their places through hard work but if, awards ceremonies lean towards the brown nosing fraternity or something resembling it then I would rather not be apart of it.

Grow up! I’m sure people will say but if you’re not human then please, just step off. For me this adds to my ever increasing determination to get out. I do have the skills as well as the drive and determination to succeed- the latter being more and more visible of late. Sometimes it’s so intense I wonder whether or not I actually play hard as well as work hard. I’ve not always been the most studious but as years have gone on I’ve sought to prove myself and be up there with the best in my position wherever I’ve been – show them what I can do hopefully with an eye on a higher position - sometimes it just seems to not be enough – at some point in your life things click and you reach that team where you become the MVP. Not everyone wants that status and I’m not chasing that – I just want to turn my long held potential into something solid and worthwhile. Is that too much to ask? Really is it? And so I conclude with a prayer

Lord I am water.
Pour me into the right glass so I be consumed and quench the thirst of whomever I am bestowed upon.
I recognised that I did not create myself and so my destiny is determined by how much I flow in your free will
Sometimes I evaporate and sometimes I boil but lord I remain as a tangible being as long as you keep my core elements together
Thank you for being the strength that holds my fallible mind at the right place
Continue to be the peace that passes all understanding when I have my tough times for I know they will be many
Help to keep you in mind throughout my good times as well as my bad times
For I know when I reach my mountain top it will be because of your love towards me
Thank you
Amen