i'm going to keep writing on here until i set myself free
from all the ghosts of my past and the one that is
haunting me now.....him....and he made this mistake
and it sent me into truama because it reminds me
of how my father treated my mother for five-years
until she had no choice but to die.....she spent
44 years devoted to this man and his life...and he
abandoned her....and the night she lay dead on
the floor, the blood wasn't even dried and he is
drinking with another woman in her kitchen and i
had my hands in a choke hold ready to choke her
and my uncle had to restrain me.....it was disrespectful
of her...to be in my mother's kitchen the very day
my mother lay there dead

it sickens me.....these bitches who think it's so funny
to go around and take men out of their homes....it's not
a game.....you who do this have no respect for yourselves
and are very cruel to do this to a fellow human being....
because one day it will happen to you....that's the way
it works....in cycling circles of pain that come back
around on you eventually and you will one day know
what it must have felt like to be the woman you tried
to hurt....and the men who partake is this sort of
unholy matrimony are even more rotten so why would
anyone even want the man....if he cheats on his wife,
he'll cheat on you

and this is the truth....and i'm writing all this out so
if you read this....happen across it....deal with it....
because i'm trying to and i'm begging him now on
the phone to set me free....set me free....for so many
years now since this happened....the twin deaths,
the loss of custody because of my breakdown....
i shared my story with the world and i had to leave
who i was online to get some peace and freedom....
because the world wants to keep me in that same
spot it will not allow me to grow and i feel chained
to my story and the story the world wants is a tragic
ending....because that's how the world is....it makes
for good copy....and it will only be too fitting if i too
were to take my own life....and i feel the pull of
the world wanting me to die...because nobody truly
likes a hero...nobody truly wants anyone to succeed...
and with story...it would finalize in tragic seeded way
and fit perfect into a Lifetime Movie....

and i beg the world to set me free....set me free....
let me go...on with my life....now, the last betrayal....
it has happened.....the last friend to betray me....
noone comes around anyway when you are down....
there are few people who are friends....you find you
have very few.....they don't call....they don't come
around....they don't care....

but when i was up....i had tons and tons of people
around me who i thought were my friends and they
were just leeches....blood sucking leeches....stealing
my good energy to use for themselves....

so i am a self-imposed reclusive artist in the makings...
trying to write my books...of prose....and he begs me
to stay on the phone and i want to go....i want out...
i want away finally away from all of this past....hurt
and pain and tragedy and forced suicide...and homicidal
drug deaths.....and the world sickens me....no longer
saddens me...i'm not depressed anymore....i just
want to live....alone.....and free myself from all of
this bondage of my past baggage which has become
to heavy a burden to even begin to travel with
so i leave it here on these pages....scrawled in blood,
charcoal ash...black heart....make a mad dash
for a new start and never look back on the madness
in other men's hearts for it has little to do with the
purity in my own...knowing, i will never wish to be
any part of their history  or any part of their debauchery
and treachery and they put these chains on me....
the world has me bound to suffer so they can watch
the clown shuffle around in sorrow and sadness and
it makes their lives look grand and hopeful and happy
compared to the woman bound by her book she
tried writing to ground herself and the world chained
me to it's hideous sideshow and now i'm a freak
for all the world to know.....and laugh at....my tragedy
their game....

not so fast....i'm not to blame and i'm done taking it
and i won't be chained any longer and if the world
won't let me be....then God above will set me free