My old blog is no longer useful to me, so it has been deleted. I try to post and write where i can stay as anonymous as possible to those i know. That way I can say want i want and not worry about hurting anyone. My life got really complicated really fast the past 3 months, but more so in the past 3-4 weeks. After starting at a new school i was having a hard time with my boyfriend, Flash, but we decided we would make it work. after 3.5 years together it was no worth it for us to fall apart over a little extra stress. and i think we could have pulled it off. we are strong. we always have been. but then i met Kitten. and he flipped my whole world upside-down. I have had "feelings" or "attractions" to other guys during the time i have been with Flash, but this was different. i could not stop thinking about Kitten, and wanting to spend time with him, time around him. it was insane. I tried to ignore it, forget about him, move on with Flash and just be happy that i have a fantastic boyfriend who, apart from being slightly childish, is perfect. but it was no good. I officially broke up with Flash last night. it was one of the hardest things i have ever done. I never ever wanted to hurt him. I never intended to lose my feelings towards him. and especially for another guy. I cried the whole time we talked. I thought i was going to pass out i was crying so hard. It was awful. im worried about him too. he has no one to talk to, not since everyone left town. and he tells me everything. i am his best friend! it is not like he can call me up and bitch and cry and be upset about the fact that we broke up...he has no one now. and it is all my fault. I worry that we will not be friends after this, im scared out of my mind. I can't lose him as a friend. it will ruin my life. i wont be able to function. the worst part was when he admitted to me that he wanted to talk to me about moving out/moving in together. and then i went and broke his heart. and i broke a part of mine too. I know that i have reasons for breaking up with him. I feel like i really need to leave him, im worried i will hurt him otherwise. but then, im scared im making a mistake. compared to Flash, i know little to nothing about Kitten. I know him well, that is for sure, but i do not know his past. I know nothing abut him in that sense. and that is really scary to me. I am taking a huge risk. I know Kitten knows that. which is good. but i cant help but worry. So this is all stress in my life. which is funny because i was all excited to be stress free after my exams and school where done for christmas...Murphy's Law i guess! or Karma... Im officially on Christmas break now! fantastic! well, i still have to go back to school and hand in my final project for glass blowing, and my final ones for drawing, but apart from that im SO DONE! Liney returns home tomorrow! which is so beyond exciting! She is my sister, she is older then me by 2 years. I cant wait to see her! Kitten is taking me to the zoo on tuesday to see the light display they put on. the light up everything with christmas lights and things! Im pretty excited! I wish i could take O&J with us, but they are staying with their grandfather, so i cant get a hold of them. too bad though, 4 year-olds love shit like the zoo! Midnight. I should finish cleaning up my room before i go to bed. Pixifire