Thoughts.com Blogs - Rules for living in a desert metropolis

Since the snot monster inside my chest wont let me rest and I have home in my head I'm going to ramble on about the valley of the sun, Phoenix.

I spent from the age of three to twenty five in Phoenix.No other place on earth I know as well.In all of my travels still some of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen.Since I have been on the east coast,I have seen none to compare to an Arizona sunset.

Phoenix can be hotter than hell.There are three temperatures in the valley of the sun.Hot,damn hot and so hot you can slap your Mama.

Some rules for living in the desert:
Always carry water
Dont leave animals or children in the car ever unless its to be a soon ex spouse that is totally acceptable.You can mummify your expartner as dry as a popcorn fart.
Playgrounds are a no no until after 9p.m.
Stockings are optional unless your a sadast
shorts are required at all times
Deodarant is a must
Coolers dont work well during the monsoon season
After a flooding rain,dont try to drive through a wash (river bed)
Coyotees are not pets
Chili pepper lights look dumb on your house at christmas time,even if this is the southwest
Dont cut your lawn when its 110 degrees,wait til the sun goes down
Pool water just isnt refreshing in July and August
cactus candy is for tourists
Dont buy your tourquois jewelry at the 7/11
you must like mexican food,if you dont we will kick you out
Dont dig up cactus,it requires a permit
Scorpions do not make nice house guests
Lizards make so so house guests,they do atleast eat the crickets,spiders and silver fish that find their ways indoors
If you see a rattle snake,leave it alone
If you see a cougar/puma/mountain lion,good luck to you.Means youve already encroached onto their territory consider yourself dinner.In other words kiss your ass good bye.
learn to speak spanish,it will serve you well.And get you to some great mexican food in some hole in the wall restaurant
Rawhide is for tourists
Wallace and Ladmo are an institution
You will see the word Guadalupe alot
Watch out for mines in the ground
Paradise Valley is not paradise
Fountain Hills is nothing but a big fountain
Get used to snow birds
Sun city has a sheriffs posse
Sun block is a must
If you use suntan oil,you recieve a free pass to the state hospital

I think I have covered it.If you happen to go to Arribas have a Margarita for me :)