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| My eyes are dry my faith is old
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I dont consider myself a spiritual person.And im not sure if thats what im striving for,I feel as though im being pulled and tugged at.I am trying to make sense of this.
About twenty years ago my young family and I had moved to Washington state via Arizona.We ended up in a great neighborhood.Nice neighbors,great kids for my children to play with.Puget sound was our back yard.Sometimes when I think back I can smell the black berries mixed with the saltiness of the sound.I miss it and the friends I made there.
My next door neighbor was Ilsa she was from Austria with five children and a husband that was always on the road.On the otherside of Ilsa was Tangie.Tangie had 2 children,her youngest is still one of my favorite people.Loved that little boy.
Both these women were christian.Ilsa was strong in her faith,taught sunday school and had started a bible club at our childrens school.Tangie and her family were new christians.And little ole me was not.I didnt grow up going to church.My Mother had tried(she was raised catholic) we went 2 sundays in a row when I was 4 that had been it.I suppose she gave up by not having the support of my Dad.Church was foreign to me we only went for weddings and funerals.
To back track 5 years earlier my husband had felt the pulling for more.He's always been a pot head (still is to this day)one night he recieved a wake up call.The particulars arent important thus this started his journey.We had a friend that was going to seminary school.So their friendship became stronger.Hubby joined a "no demoination" church where part of their ritual was washing of the feet.He read his bible daily,took it to work to read on his breaks.Over a short period of time he became very judgemental my name even went from Sandy to woman,strange.He destroyed record albums,books and these were my things.He argued everything,didnt matter the subject he felt he had all the answers.He is one out of four kids.His only sister and youngest brother are both gay.Suddenly the love he had for them was gone,they were going to burn in hell.It was sad,just sad.
So I try to embrace his journey,I cant.I find him repulsive now.He's become mean and judgemental,not a nice person at all.Now, I did go to his church ONCE,it wasnt for me.He was also a different person when he was there.Maybe this was my fault I dont know?
When he simmered down he went back to his old habits.He's had a history of not following through. Religion,hunting,securities,photography etc.He would start a hobby or new adventure arm himself to the teeth with everything he would need,then quit.
This was my introduction into christianity.I didnt want any part of those whack jobs.They washed each others feet for christ sake.
Here we are in Washington,my two new friends start witnessing to me.This time it sounds wonderfull.They are good mothers,good friends and I really do enjoy their company.Just phenomenal women.
I began my journey in faith.....start trying different churches.The church that Tangie and her family isnt for me.Ilsas church isnt for Tangie.Tangie and her family belonged to the Baptist church in town.Ilsa and her clan belonged to a non denomination church.Not that it matters.They went where they felt fed.
We end up at a holy roller church.Again my husbands choice,a co worker and his family were parishners there.There was lots of dancing in the aisles,hand raising,amen brothers,speaking in tongue.That kind of stuff.I felt like I was a lamb being led to the slaughter.I wish I would of spoke up,I didnt and thats my own fault.Needless to say I was baptised.This decision I did make on my own.After I was dunked ( full imersion) and went to change into dry clothes I was cornered by two women.Asking tons of questions,essentially questioning what led me to this.That in itself instantly ticked me off.No matter that I had just made a leap of faith.I resented them and their questioning.Then I began to doubt my decision and my new leap of faith.
It has been along time.I really dont know if I will return or if I want to.Im not even sure to this day what I believe in or if I really believed.Maybe I was just impressionable?
One thing I do keep with me is a love of some of the christian music I heard.Ilsa had given me her Keith Green albums.For the past few days I've had one of his songs stuck in my head.I dont know why? (I never seem to know why)Im going to post the lyrics,maybe I'll come to understand?
My eyes are dry
My eyes are dry,my faith is old
My heart is hard,my prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you,and dead to me
Oh what can be done,with an old heart like mine
Soften it up,with oil and wine
The oil is you,your a spirit of love
Please wash me anew,in the wine of your blood
My eyes are dry,my faith is old
My heart is hard,my prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you,and dead to me
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Posted by pitapie50 on 2008-02-21 08:45:14 | Rating: | Views: 166
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I dont know why this is labled as explicit.For once I did not swear.Good grief!
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-02-21 08:52:11
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Gsh thank you for your feedback.As I stated I am up in the air,sitting on the fence.Thank you again for sharing and taking the time.Much appreciated.
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-02-21 12:44:27
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I went to a Christian school and, for a time, when I was younger, considered mysef a Christian, although I wasn't a particularly good one and I wavered back and forth a lot. Now I have decided that I'm an atheist. Just from a logical point of view, to me it doesn't logically make sense to believe in a higher power, whether it is the Christian god or any other. But that's just me. I still respect people's right to choose to be religious; my sister is for example and I'm still friends with one of my former teachers from the Christian school.
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Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-02-22 02:50:07
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Hairytoad(great name!)Thank you for your input.I am such a flopper.I must have been a fish in previous life?Thank you again for your insight.Take care
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-02-23 10:03:28
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