Thoughts.com Blogs - Lady you have poop in your shoes

Disclaimer:If you are offended by bathroom humor,this is not for you.But,if you take all things in stride you might be able to handle this.Betty,I have some fond memories of you.I miss you girl.You were a thorn in my side and a pain in my butt. But it was my pain and my butt.You were a good Mother in law and a terrific Grandma.I think about you often.

Betty,I hope you dont come back to haunt me.But you have left me with some funny stories,you were a riot.I feel the need to share,so here we go girl.

Born in Minot, North Dakota she had that great North Dakota accent.I miss hearing "ya,you betcha","oh jesus marta","balls on a heiffer","you little piddle pot","you darn tootin".She made great "hot dish" and her cookies were so good they brought tears to your eyes.She was Norwegian,her husband always said a Norwegian was a Swede with their brains bashed out.I never quite understood that.Betty did have a language all her own.She usually got names and the names of places mixed up.We had a grocery store called Mega Foods,she called it Mega Bucks.Fed-Mart was called Med-Fart.She loved diet Dr.Pepper and she called it "Dr free sugar Pepper".After she had her big stroke,we later learned through the Dr that shes mostly likely had small strokes up until the big one.Makes sense now,sometimes her words were jibberish.

She looked like one of the Campbell soup kids,rosy cheecks,short and stout.A little 4x4.She once told my father in law to go "F@@@ a duck" and out came go "F@@@ a buck" So "Buck off" became a favorite saying.She also would call her husband a dickhead on occasion.She got a bit mean towards the end.Betty old girl I think I'm ready to tell on you now,you ready girl?

She loved to shop,and since I had the transportation I got to drive.She wants to go to the mall,so off we go.Were in the big ladies store,I look behind me shes not there.Finally I see her shes standing maybe 20 yards back.Now shes standing there with her arms out and shes laughing it sounds like when you slowly let air out of a balloon,that squeaky sound.I go over to her"Betty,Whats so funny"?Then I smell this foul odor,man its rotten.Turns out thats Betty that is stinking to high Heaven.Through her squeaky laugh she manages to get out "I thought I had to fart,and shit my pants".I lost it! I know this is gross,but you had to know Betty.I laughed so hard my side hurt,my throat hurt and I had tears streaming down my face.We are both standing there surrounded by her stench laughing.

Needless to say,she had to get cleaned up.I still feel bad for the folks at that McDonalds that day.Mcdonalds was directly across from this store.Betty had the runs,its also running into her shoes by now.She has to waddle over to their bathroom and she sends me back into the store to buy her underwear and pants.I do this,and Im still snorting and giggling.I get up to the counter to pay and I cant stop laughing,the harder I try to stop the worse it becomes.I'm making a complete spectacle out of myself but I cant stop it.The sales lady is looking at me like I'm an escaped mental patient.I manage to get through the transaction,I make my way to the Mcdonalds bathroom.I open the door,Betty is still laughing.Thank God shes cleaned up.I hand her the clothes over the stall.Well,the underwear was too big and the pants were too small.I told her if you think I'm going back in that store you can just forget it.So as we are walking through the mall,heres a lady with poop in her shoes,her underwear has slid down and she has to hold onto the front of her pants so they dont roll down off her belly.Always an adventure with this woman.

She had the nerve to say it was the bacon she had for breakfast.It really didnt matter what she had to eat.Could she have worn depends?Sure.Why didnt she?Thats the million dollar question.I tend to think she liked to live on the edge.Kind of like her version of the game show "beat the clock".Unfortunately,this was not the last Betty crapping her pants in public episode.She was also a champion farter in public.I'll leave that for another time.

Something she always said daily was "I have to make a beeline to the pot".Remember to make the beeline folks as fast as you can.

Let this be a lesson to you,beware of middle aged women in tight polyester pants.They might have poop in their shoes.