Thoughts.com Blogs - It is what it is :)

The past eight years have been a learning experience and an eye opener for me.....Jarred out of my comfort zone even though it was more of a "dysfunction junction"......Even though my marriage had more rough spots than a an elephants behind.....I never would of thought divorce is what the end result would be.....I was in this for the long haul.....I'm tough....I'm strong.....we can work through this....we have to work through this....

I have discovered I am not as tough or as strong as I once thought I was.....and thats ok.....at first it felt like a big fat steaming bowl of dissension.....disappointment.....regret......anger.....tons of anger....a boat load of elephants anger.....I am not perfect....and quite frankly I can be a royal pain in the ass...I can be just as nasty as the next guy.......backed into a corner....I can hiss and spit with the best of them.

The anger is a tough one to let go of......its the most consuming to help feed the bitterness.....I won't lie......even after eight years sometimes that ugly anger rears its head......I can be doing something as mundane as scrubbing a toilet.....or standing in line.....and there it comes.....the anger of the things I couldn't or wouldn't change......the things he couldn't or wouldn't change......we are who we are "summa quod summus".....

Change has been a big issue.....my life as I once knew it has done a 360.....its been a HUGE life lesson.....I had to completely start over from scratch.....it hasn't been easy.....and some days it just stunk.......and still stinks at times.....I prefer the "stinkless" days........though the stinky ones still occur......Life after all is about change?....we grow....we learn.....and some are like me.....we need a few extra knocks to get it through our thick skulls.... somethings just don't work....not that this statement is taken lightly......in simplistic terms....it is what it is.....

For the most part I've wrestled with my demons....and some days I call for a rematch.....I learned don't put all my eggs in one basket......again learned the hard way.......I spent my married life taking care of my family.....I didn't further my education (big mistake) I was content with working to provide "extras" and put some away in savings.....only to end up with zip in the end....after 20 years all I got was a big "F" you.....and some of my clothing.....clothing how pathetic is that?...With as ridiculous and pathetic as it was......that was my worth.....I had been reduced to a few items of clothing......can I get an amen?.....

I champion women that had the fortitude and commonsense to make life plans....To of had some idea as to what they wanted in life....to have gone to college.....earned their degree....even if they didn't end up in their chosen profession....that degree is a life line....that degree speaks volumes.....I'm not leaving the men out of the equation.....everyone has an equal shot.....There are many of you here that have made an impression upon me......we are so different.....and yet so much alike......

Some days it feels as if I am still picking up the pieces.....I am slowly letting sleeping dogs lie....Emotional pain sucks......doubting yourself sucks.....I haven't felt the need to be a doormat for awhile.....I realise I had been for far too long.....for so long that the welcome sigh had been changed to "kick me"......I don't like being kicked....that too sucks.....

The gist is ......I have started over.....and its more than ok......it is what it is.....I still have my sense of humor....I have the ability to laugh at myself......I am middle aged.....I'm ok with that too....I kind of like being older.....I'm getting closer to my AARP discount......not a bad thing......

One of my favorite sayings is from Sienfeld.....its from Krammer when he decided to go "comando"
"I'm out there Jerry!.....and I'm loving every minute of it"......it doesn't have to be for flapping in the breeze.......it can take on many meanings......so yeah....I'm out there...and I'm loving every minute of it.....until my ass slides off..