Thoughts.com Blogs - Grandmas hunk of burning rear

I feel like writing about my Grandma Mary.Who my Mother lovingly refers to as the "old bag".Grandma still has never gotten over the fact that my Dad went and married himself a German.The day he left for the service she told him "Dont you even think about bringing home a German bride". Well, my Dad being my Dad went ahead and did it.And brought her a half German grand daughter as well.That would be moi.Atleast she likes me,Moms another story.

My Mom had told me when he left for the service he cut off all contact with Grandma.Lots of unresolved issues.Grandma contacted the Red Cross,the Red Cross contacted Dad,Dads commanding officer made him write his Mother.He still has'nt gotten over this.

Grandma Mary is a character.Shes crabby,spitefull,jealous,a hypochondriac and at times can have a filthy mouth.Shes the first woman I ever heard say the "c" word,its the four letter "c" word.Oh yes,shes also not very fond of women.And she thinks men are ok until their naked.She told me this once,and this is an odd thing to tell a kid "theres nothing nice about a mans body from the waist down".I suppose she had her reasons.She did have 5 kids so it makes wonder about her statement.

About 40 years ago Grandma had some kind of surgery on her rectum.She didnt really start having problems until about 14 years ago.She has a rectal pro lapse,which means her bottoms falling out.Instead of going to the Dr. when it first happened she did a home remedy of cotton balls and took to wearing a girdle.Cotton balls and a girdle?For the queasy you might want to scan right past this.She stuffed her butt with the cotton balls to get her rectum back where it belonged.And the girdle came into play as a sense of security,kind of like keeping things where they belong.

So my mother has kept "the old bag" in cotton balls and undies.My Mother resents this,its just silly pent up anger.They both have it for eachother.

Grandma finally saw a Dr about the problem,Dr wanted to due surgery,Grandma refused.She had recently lost her 3rd husband,she blamed the Dr for his death.She used this as her excuse,"your not going to cut me up!".So she keeps up with the cotton ball therapy.

Grandma loves to talk about her "rear".Shes in perfectly good health except for her "rear" and it pisses her off.Her friend Modesta has had major back surgeries and finally had a pain pump installed.Grandma was offended by this.I watched her get into an argument with Modesta that her "rear" was worse than all of Modesta's back problems.As I said she loved to talk about her "rear".You had to learn the hard way not to ask Grandma how she was doing.You would get the full report of the "rear" happenings of the morning.It was like slow death.

I took Grandma out to lunch.We are in our booth,I dont know why she did this.Cause I surely didnt ask for the "rear" update.She belts out "Boy,my rear is burning today".With that said,conversation from any booth in earshot went silent.I have my eyes closed I can feel my face becoming flush.I picture her in my head twirling around and uttering my rear is burning!my rear is burning! I made it through the lunch talking about her "hunk of burning rear" whether I liked it or not.

I've always thought that farts were funny.I learned to embrace farts through my parents.Grandma never understood why Mom and I thought they were funny.She would say "theres nothing funny about gas".This coming from a woman that likes to talk about her rear.According to my Mom its because shes an old bag.I dont agree on the old bag part.Sure the old girl is cantankerous,shes earned it.Shes lived a full life and has concluded everyones an idiot.It's her right embrace it Grandma.

Grandma is 94 and will be 95 Flag day of this year.She now lives with my Uncle and "that woman" that woman being my Aunt.She never liked "that woman" and I dont know why.That story I suppose is for another time.