Thoughts.com Blogs - Cutting the apron strings

Amazon woman was discharged from the hospital yesterday. Hopefully she will begin to improve. I've done some reading in regards to her pseudo tumor, apparently the hospital did all they could do. This most likely will be something that will be a monkey on her back for life....It will be there along with all the other monkey's, sad to say.....

As she has been discharged I'm hoping my life will return to normal. I love normal, easy going, stress free non anxious days. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster. I take the blame for that. I let my feelings of feeling bad for her take over and in turn let it suck the life out of me. This girl has problems and I have the sick need to help her. I believe I enable her as well.

We are so opposite, she appears to be confident on the surface(cocky is more like it) though I see she lacks self confidence. She takes charge and likes to be in control of the situation (though shes rarely in control) shes one of the funniest woman I have ever met, quick wit and is always the center of attention. She is generous , conniving, street smart to the point of being criminal. I accepted her flaws long ago, deep down I know she is a good person. She is so stuck in survive mode, that she has dug herself a bottomless pit. She lives for the day, no plan for the future. If she continues on this path of self destruction I know in my heart shes not long for this world. I want her to come to know that life is a blessing and not to be taken for granted. I want her to know what it's really like to live, not just survive. She owes it to herself. We all do.

I'm pretty reserved maybe thats my attraction to her. Shes everything I'm not. Okay, I can be funny I'll give myself that. Self confidence I'm still learning, I wish I was a "speed" learner. I don't like being in control of people. Though you better stay out of my kitchen, thats my control zone. You can lose a limb if you get in my way. I don't have street smarts, there never was the need to have them. I can be gullible and at times too trusting. I really do try to believe theres good in everyone even her leech of a boyfriend, for good measure I'll throw my ex husband in there as well. My life has been no fairy tail, better than some not as good as others. I have traveled the world, vactioned, tried different things I feel has made me a well rounded person. I do get angry and lose my patience. I do try to treat others with respect and dignity, I'd love for her to learn to do the same, for her own benefit.

I had taken her to D.C. lastyear for a concert. It was a late birthday present, and I thought it would be good for her to get away from her many troubles. We had a great time, with all the years she's lived in Pennsylvania she had never taken a ride to D.C. that was hard for me to imagine. Its such a short drive. Then again shes been in survive mode her whole life. Whats a vacation? Camping whats that? Concert whats that? Things I enjoy and suppose take for granted shes never experienced. I find that sad when a persons life is filled up with having to come up with rent money, gas money, laundry money, fill in the blanks thats surviving not living. If she could live life I know she'd enjoy it. How could she not? Theres so much to see and do.

Now that she is back home, I'm going to back off a bit. I'll have her to my home (where its not crazy) and stay away from hers. I can feel my own blood pressure rising and anxiety when I'm at her house. The dissension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Theres always something bad going on there. I suppose my rant is over for now. It's time for me to cut the apron strings,and pray that she learns to fly.