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It makes me feel better to come on here and just let it all out. But...I'm still in a bad mood. I still feel like everything I am doing is pointless.
Today I was going over my "retirement fund" if you want to say that I guess. Truth is I don't have one. I have this new job that has a pension plan, which is great, but I discovered today when I was figuring out how I wanted to do my 401K that the company doesn't contribute to this. That really sucks! Because here I am 30 years old, trying to figure out how the heck I'm going to ever retire and when I figure out how much I need to set aside for the next 35 years if I want to even retire at 65....I'd need to put away almost 300/month. I don't even have that! I'm just getting by right now.
So it's like this....what in the hell does the future hold for me? Right now I see nothing. When I was 18 and had just graduated from high school, I had this fantastic plan...and truthfully it would have worked...I was going to work at a factory (Proctor and Gamble) which I knew people who had retired from there in 20 years and had invested and had tons of money to play with. They were buying businesses at the time, paid off their homes, had their kids in college...you name it.
SO...my master plan was to work there, go to school and get my bachelors in something job related, have my tuition paid by the company and retired befor I reached 40.
Great idea...but didn't happen. I did go to school, I didn't get a degree, I don't have a house, I didn't get the job....I don't even care to go back to school because now I already owe $30,000 and nothing I learned is really useful in the work force...I can't even get a job in my feild of study, even if I did have my degree...It's pointless, a waste of money and a waste of time.
Well...shoulda, coulda, woulda's...who cares...It doesn't matter about what would have been or could have been or what I should have done...I don't care. I don't even care that I owe $30,000, or that I don't have a house yet...I don't care about any of that....What I really care about is that I don't have a clue what the hell to do with my life.
I waste my time everyday...working....stupid. It's important yes because we all need to make a living, but it's STUPID because I'm not getting anywhere except to say....I survived another day.
So all the past and all the present and all the future...none of it matters....what matters is only knowing what the hell you want from life....I don't know this. The people I know in life who have said, "I have no coulda, woulda, shouldas..." and "I love what I do for a living" and "I'm happy with my life." I say, "Great! I'm happy for you." But, Is it really true? And to those people, are you really happy? Is your life really what you want from life? Because I can't even picture that at this point.
I sometimes want to own my own business and yes eventually I probably will. Maybe I'll even make millions some day...maybe not...but it doesnt matter, because even if I do...I still am wasting my time. |
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Posted by picasorock on 2008-01-20 16:14:29 | Rating: | Views: 44
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