3.29.07

i took a walk in the woods today. I spent hours just walking down old and new paths. It reminded me of my life, i've chosen so many different roads, some in the same place, but each one has been different, some good, some bad. Out here,  everything is changing, it never stays the same. I remember wandering aimlessly out here everyday when i was younger. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, peaceful...even though the pain still lingers there, like a shadow, a reminder. At first its just shallow pain, like a slow throbbing in my chest...but the farther along I go, the more alone I become, the closer to my loneliness my mind moves,  and the sharper the pain grows. I have no one to share my thoughts with, my feelings. I have no one to hold me tight and just let me cry. And right about the time my eyes well with tears and I'm about to lose control, there's that scream. I've heard it so many times before. It pierces through me, to my very bones. It drives me to my knees. Shooting through my veins, like morphene, relaxing and soothing the pain. I wonder again, as I have every time, if its something only I hear, or does everyone around me hear it. It sounds so close, as if its coming from my own heart. I look above me and see 3 hawks, circling effortlessly above me, once again. As i watch them, they scream again, as if reminding me one more time that they are there, and i'm not completely alone. My guardians, always showing up when the pain is at its worst....