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I've been trying to stay positive and control my thoughts.Its been working things that usually upset me don't. Im not overly sensitive. I'm ok during the work week because I'm doing something to keep myself busy. I've been fed up with work as of late. Its just really getting on my nerves I dred going to work but I try to make the best of it. I don't really know what to look for as far as work. I've been thinking once again that its a must for me to go to school to attain an associates or bachelors degree or even go to some career school. I want to go full time for the first semester and get a part time job. I really want to get used to the flow of school and not have work get in the way. I would usually work full-time and take a class or two. My confidence is just so low. I'm in community college now and I haven't gotten very far with it after a three year hiatus I went to school this past spring. Everything was going ok I mean I wasnt doing so great and I stress myself out easily. So I was sick I had missed a week of class and I lost motivation (that damn quick) and withdrew from my classes. So when the going gets tough I always bail out. I'm just like my damn father. Anyways if I'm gonna be going to school this fall I need to be sure with myself that its truly what I want. If I drop another class I will be on academic probation. I'm trying to set up a plan , write down goals something to look back on when I feel as I need motivation. I'm so tired of letting myself down. I'm tired of this dead end job. I really just don't know what I want to do. I will have an idea of something than I'll have excuses as to why I can't do it. I wanted to be a Psychologist or a Social Worker but was leaning towards Social Worker. I look at my current state me having this depression and anxiety and just sometimes can't imagine me breaking out of it. So I just kinda don't give myself a chance.
Another thing that worries me is taking out loans. Well not so much anymore. Pretty much see it as an investment to a better future. GGrrr I just hate owing shit.
I hate that I let these ailments rule my life for so long, you kinda just lose yourself. I don't really know myself and know what I'm capable of. Like most people I try to be perfect and hate to fail. But thats what I've allowed myself to do. Eveything I don't want to be I have became just that. A failure, a loner, its like why even live sometimes if I'm gonna live like this.
I'm trying to get better. I've been looking into finding Social Anxiety/Depression Support groups in my area. I havent been succesful. I went to meetup.com found a nice group in my area and went to sign up and never got a response from the group leader. I'm kinda bummed out about it. I guess I'll give it another try and continue looking for other opportunities. I hope to get into something to meet potential friends. I rarely do anything fun because I never have anyone to go out with. I have 6 free tickets to Hershey Park this weekend but guess what, I wont be going because I have no one to go with. Their is this AST Dew Tour this weekend I wanna go to but no one to go with. Fuckin bummer.
It sucks so much to be alone with this depression and anxiety. I'am an only child. I have no friends just associates. It's impossible to make friends at 22 ugh lol. I can't talk to my mom at all. Shes not a understanding person and she seems emotionless. I mentioned to her a few weeks ago about going back to school in the fall and she says " I don't know why you gonna do that because all your gonna do is quit when it gets to be too much." Sure she had a valid point. She dosent believe in me and I guess I don't believe in myself. Like that started the biggest argument and I totally set myself up for it. I've learned wheneva I'm going through something to not talk to her about it. She ends up pissing me off. I don't think she means to she gives that tough love. I had enough of people being hard on me I wish she could be more supportive. But thats just how she is.
My dad even though I don't get along to well with him hes understandable to what I go through. He goes through similar things. He's severly depressed and paranoid. He's just not easy to talk to he be in his own little world. But wherever I argue with my mom he always got my back..
I be thinking I'm fucked up but my dad like it makes me sad what he goes through. Lots of health problems, history of stroke which causes him to not even act like himself. He smokes ways to much. He isolates himself because hes extremely paranoid. He was recently omitted to a Psychiatric Hospital. We believe he has had a nervous breakdown. If so it would be his third of his lifetime, hes only 54. I most certainly dont want to end up like him. I want to break this vicious cycle of depression.
I realise lately that I'm an angry person. Like I guess I have pent of anger I don't talk about my problems much because I dont have anyone to talk to. Tried therapy but that shit is wack. My mom think I can be violent I will not lie I have swung at her before. Like she knows how to cut you deep with words. Whoever made up that "sticks n stones may break my bones but WORDS will never hurt me" is a damn fool. Like I guess I'm sensitive and my mom is the only person that can bring tears to my eyes. I'll get so mad I'll punch falls, kick doors suprisingly, I never broke anything or even severly hurt myself. I know I'm totally wrong for how I react to her, shit I'm probably gonna go to hell for it but its fucked up people so close to you saying stuff so mean to you. I need to get out her house be on my own , sometimes I just lose respect for her.
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Posted by peacenluv on 2008-06-15 19:30:57 | Rating: | Views: 74
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Nikki, I know how you feel. I don't have any friends either, just associates. I have no one to talk to either. I somewhat wanted to do better, you need to do the same.
So what if you have negative thoughts? Keep going. You know right now...You are letting those bullies win.
Failures are a part of life sweetheart, you can't expect to win all the time. Life wouldn't be interesting if you didn't fail. If you want to break this cycle, keep going when the going gets tough u hear me? When you go back to school, STOP GIVING UP ON YOURSELF!!!!
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-06-21 14:32:26
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Nikki, I know how you feel. I don't have any friends either, just associates. I have no one to talk to either. I somewhat wanted to do better, you need to do the same.
So what if you have negative thoughts? Keep going. You will be glad you did just like u feel horrible when you gave up. You know right now...You are letting those bullies win.
Failures are a part of life sweetheart, you can't expect to win all the time. Life wouldn't be interesting if you didn't fail. If you want to break this cycle, keep going when the going gets tough u hear me?
When you go back to school, STOP GIVING UP ON YOURSELF!!!! You hear me? You deserve to be successful! You are giving those bullies a satisfaction off of you! Do you want that? I wish I lived near you so I can motivate you. Its hard enough that ur parents make your life hell, why not make ur life heaven by NOT GIVING UP on yourself? Why do u expect someone to have faith in you if you give up all the time?
Think about what you want in life 20 yrs from NOW! Do you want to end up like ur dad? Don't your dad deserve more from you? Make your parents proud. Maybe you can have a positive experience you will never forget and you will be alittle bit happier.
I know its hard because u had alot of negative experiences so Have I! If I can do it, You can too. I know I sound corny but its true. You have to want to be successful, don't look at what can go wrong, look at what can be great for you. You want to be a therepist? Go FOR IT b4 its too late. Stop letting negative experiences stop you from doing your best.
I am sorry if I sound blunt but I want the best for you best friend you hear me? Don't ever become a victim, Be a FIGHTER!!!
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-06-21 14:43:58
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I'm 43 and don't have friends. One thing that I learned in life is that you have to do things for yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. You keep going forward. You are doing good with your life. You have the kowledge that you are doing the right thing. Plakola is right,you can't give up on yourself. Move forward and keep going. You need to hold your head up high and know that you are doing good.You are. Keep going forwards. Peace,and let's all look out for each other.
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Posted by happyhippie1965
on 2008-06-21 14:46:14
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When you go back to school, stay wtih it this time even though u do lose motivation. Those feelings will pass trust me. I sometimes don't feel like going to school either and look how far I came. You can do the same. We are all Human Beings. 99.9% the same
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-06-28 14:59:41
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Hey,
I'm sorry you feel so frustrated with life. Life is very difficult at times.
About your parents...Try to be there for them as much as you can. It sounds like they have a lot of stress too, so don't take what they do/say personally.
It would be nice to have your mom's support when it comes to school...but that's not reality, so deal with the facts...like the saying goes "if life give you lemons, make lemonade!"
In other words, make the best of your situation.
It's awesome that you want to go back to school. Pat yourself on the back for that! That's a big first step to success.
You have to do it for yourself...and no one else. If you wait for the approval of others, you will be highly dissapointed.
Live your life the way you always dreamed of. You have the power to be who you want to be. Be a social worker or a psychologist. There's nothing stopping you...except yourself.
I hope some of the things I said make some sense!
Good luck and keep us posted!!!
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Posted by Cecy24
on 2008-06-30 10:02:30
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It is very normal to think someone is doing is as a prank or not being genuine if you have gone through a traumatic thing like you and i both did...but the thing is, if it is not...dont shut it away too quickly..do not judge the person in a negative way if you really dont know truth behind his actions ya know? i really hope he is truly genuine and i hope things will blossom between u too :-) the main thing you and i have to work on is learning not to care about what other people think....people can easily detect weakness or low self esteem in others...people just give that "aura" that other people can really feel....i really think you are a beautiful girl inside and out...and you have so much potential and can contribute so much to the world....dont let the negatives in your past affect u...i didnt think i would ever make it as an RN because people always called me dumb and that i was worthless...but i CHOSE not to believe in that and asked God for strength...He led me to the direction of my life.....if you have time, pls read Joel Osteen's "Your best life Now"....it is an awesome book that really makes you feel that you were put on this earth for a reason....and God made you in his eyes and sees you as his perfect creation. Dont change yourself to please others because you can never be happy if you act like somebody else....
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Posted by cinderellapink
on 2008-07-17 14:50:19
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