Today I was feeling particularily sad. I think there's a direct correlation between me being sad, and lack of physical human interaction. Yesterday I had one 5 minute conversation, and it was by chance because my roomie got home right before I went to bed. Today I have yet to say a word... all of my friends are off in study-land. And I'm... not!
So, when I'm lonely with lots of time on my hands, I miss him. And then I get that overpowering urge to run across the street and hug him. I even dreamt about that last night! I had a dream that he called me and asked me to play volleyball with a bunch of his friends. I agreed to go, and it was all normal, like when we were dating, except that we never played volleyball. What I mean by normal, is that he and his friends were all having a great time in their own little world, and I was just there. So then, we were leaving the game, and walking down the halls of his dorms from last year, and he wouldn't look at me. I called out to him, but he kept walking, in front of two of his best friends who just glared at me. So then I kept calling his name, and ran up to him. He looked away from me and said "I'm just feeling really hurt right now." I hugged him, he stopped, and we just stood there hugging and crying. Damn me and my realistic dreams.
I have to remember why we broke up. We were together for two years, and very much in love. I am a logical person and would never make such a huge decision, if there weren't proper grounds. Before we broke up, things had been hard. I was trying so hard to be a good girlfriend, and he didn't seem to acknowledge me. We were going through the motions of day to day life, but I felt like he wasn't really seeing me. The week before we broke up, this is what occured:
Friday - He had a game that night. He called me after the game, in a panic since he just found out that his math homework (online) was due at midnight. Problem was, he didn't know how to do it. I came over to help him - I've already taken the course. We got some of his homework done, but he still had no clue how to do it. Then, we had sex for the first time in a few weeks. That was a really long time for us - there was a time where it was NEVER more than a week. He just stopped caring. So after that, he hops out of bed and is like "oh gotta go to this party". He insisted on going, saying that it was really important, blah blah blah. He told me to stay there and he'd be back in an hour. Well two hours later, I heard him come home. I could hear him and his roommate talking in the living room. I was already angry that he left me for that, and it made me even angrier to know that even now that he was home he was still ignoring me. Finally, he came to bed. He said three words to me, refused to cuddle, put on his earphones and went to sleep. I was so upset I could barely sleep.
Saturday - We wake up early in the morning to a friend of his bursting into the bedroom, screaming "BOOT CAMP TIME!" They were doing this bootcamp fitness routine, but Saturday was supposed to be the day off. So he jumps out of bed, and is off to train. Once again, he told me to stay in bed and he would be back soon. I stayed there, hoping that when he got back we could cuddle, do breakfast, just hang out. Well he got back, just in time to tell me that he forgot that he was supposed to do security at the football game. He'd call me after the game. I was pretty pissed by now. Somehow, I decided that I wasn't being supportive of how busy he was, and so I went to the bagel factory and bought him and his roomies some fresh bagels. When he got back from the game, around 3:30, I told him about the bagels. On the phone, he sounded excited and so I brought them over. Well I got there, and stayed for around half an hour. The entire time he ignored me. He said "Hey" when I walked in and that was it. No thank you, nothing. He was playing a game on his cellphone, the entire time. He finished the game, and then decided to play again. I was pissed, so I left and went shopping.
He called me an hour and a half later and was like "hey, wanna go see a movie?" No apology, nothing. I agreed, hoping that he trying to put some effort in. After dinner, I went over to his house when we were going to leave. He was in the process of trying to convince his roommates to come with us. His roommates, being a bit more sensitive than he, objected, saying that it was weird to intrude on a date. DUH! So, we left ten minutes late and went to the movie, not speaking the whole way. After the movie, we walked home in silence. As we got to my place, he was like "so uh. bye I guess." And I freaked out. Crying, I asked him what the hell was going on with him. He didn't really have any response just "I've been really tired". He even had the odacity to claim that he didn't enjoy the movie because he was worried if I was mad at him. We ended up having a talk and a cry - he said he didn't want to lose me. Still no apology. Then he went him and I cried myself to sleep.
Sunday - I spent the day hanging out with my friends, and then we were going to do some math later that night. He calls me after dinner, and I go over to do math. All of his friends were in his room, and while I did my math homework, they were doing random riddles and just hanging out. I didn't mind, because I thought that soon they would leave and then he would do his work. But then, another friend came bursting in and was like "guys, someone HAS to come blading with me right now!" Out of all his friends, my ex was the first to jump up and say sure! Then, he looked at me and was like "umm... hey I'll call you when we get back okay?" I was pissed, I stood up and gathered my things to go. He looked suprised that I was leaving, but didn't say anything. I was so upset, I didn't really expect to see him after. He called me, just to say that he was back, but they were going to go play basketball. I was really not pleased.
Monday - Busy day for both of us. We talked on the phone later at night but it was just a quick recap of our days - not really an opportunity to talk about anything real.
Tuesday - I had a busy day in the labs. That afternoon, I ran into a girl from our high school. She was my arch-nemisis. I know that sounds lame, but she is the most vile person I know. She was friends with my friends, until she become best friends with one of them. That friend, who she became best friends with, was depressed. She admitted to my arch-nemisis that she was depresed and that she cuts herself and is suicidal. This girl (nemisis) didn't do anything, didn't tell anyone until four months later, when we were questioning why our friend dropped out of school. Basically, the girl is the most selfish person I've ever met in my life. Needless to say, when I saw her that afternoon, I wanted nothing to do with her. I mentioned this to my ex. He suprised me, in asking why I was rude to her. He felt that she needed help, and that I should have befriended her. I was shocked that he could be so judgemental of me, and at how insensitive he was being. We didn't see eachother that night, I think he was busy playing basketball or something.
Wednesday - We walked to class together, and on the way he asked me if the girl has facebook - he was going to add her as a friend! I felt absolutely betrayed by this. He didn't even KNOW her, but he felt like I was being such a bad person by not being nice to her, that he was going out of his way to befriend her. That evening, I had a tutorial. In the middle of our tutorial, I found out that my ex was supposed to be at a midterm right now. I freaked out and called him to tell him. He didn't know about it because he hadn't been to that class in forever. When I finally got ahold of him, he sounded anything but concerned. He said he would go and get a sick note the next day. I went over to his place after the tutorial, and him and a friend were sitting around playing a computer game. His friend left, and then we were left alone. Over the next three hours, I cried, he cried, and made excuses for his behavior. The whole while he insisted that he loves me and wants to be with me. He also admitted that he would never break up with me - he just couldn't do it. And so, I broke up with him. I couldn't handle his neglect anymore. I told myself that I was going to go home alone, and single tonight. And I did.
He basically sabotaged our relationship, and I don't think I'll ever fully understand why. I just know that I did what I did for a very good reason, and it's better for me to be hurt and missing him every day, than to be dissappointed and more hurt every single day that we were together.
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