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Facing the past - Facebook style

I'm overcome with relief. I have finally faced my past, at least the part of it that lies with him. I am suprised with what I have found.

For some reason, I decided to go through my facebook pictures (all 350 of them!) The reason I've been avoiding this, is because I know that there are many with him. Many memories that are too painful to remember, times that I need and want to forget about. Yet there it was, and I needed to see it.

Things never were as you remember them being. One of the hardest parts of this breakup is trying to find my grips in this world, single and away from him. I felt like he had encompassed my universe for so long and I no longer knew how to live without him. What to do with my time, how to be happy. Well it turns out, that he was the largest obstacle to those things. The entire time we were dating, I made things about him. What he wanted to do, how to make him happy. He didn't try to make me happy, and so I was miserable.

Looking back through those pictures I've come to the realization that things were never good with him. Every single picture with him - I can remember feeling terrible within 12 hours of it - because of him. For every smile there were tears. Also surpisingly, the majority of my pictures were not with him. He was not naturally part of my life - and apparently I spent much of my time elsewhere. Now if that was because of me, or because of him, I'm not entirely certain although I would have to guess it was at least partially him. So many pictures were from cheerleading, and hanging out with friends, and doing things on my own - without him. I was truly happy in all of those pictures. Every smile came with more smiles, and laughs and jokes. No tears.

I realized that he was holding me back from my life. All of the friendships that I have lost recently, were due to my own neglect. Spending all of my time trying to fix things with him, instead of being a good friend. And now I haven't anything to show for it. No boyfriend, no friends. Well that isn't true. I've retained my nearest and dearest friends, to whom I am eternally grateful for pulling me through this. They were my rocks, my oasis - the only reason I could eat or get out of bed for weeks following the breakup.

Breaking up has pushed me into social retreat. I need to get out of that, or else I'm going to end up a lonely, depressed soul.