when we met I thought you were a highly spiritual person, the words you
used with me were of unity and a very deep soul relationship. I have found this not
to be the case, you continue to do things that i don't understand, like selling the gas
on someone else's credit, or wanting to sell the beer off the back of the truck, cutting the corners of good without worrying about the effect you have on the greater picture.
I am constantly in practice, I am constantly wondering about the effect I have on the world.
I am constantly in contact with my Higher Self and a Higher Calling, even if its simply about
prayer and controlling my thoughts and holding down/up a vibration, I am not a down to earth
girl. I believe in Angels and Ascended Masters and I have seen the way these thoughts adjust
my own thoughts and affect my perception of reality, my point of view. I have a hard time being
around someone who does not believe in what I do. My family does not believe in what I do, and
I have to live with this unintentional disrespect of what I do, their disbelief. It is not a slur on them,
but its like they are from one religion and I am from another, nor are they slurring me, they Love me.
I feel things so deeply, the Love of "God" so deeply that I have found affects in my life and I need
to follow that.
I love you, but my love of spirit, of my path is such that there is a huge distraction from what I am doing
by having to be nothing around you. I need a space where I can be something, and if I have to be
something alone because so few people understand me, so be it. What I believe in sounds crazy,
but its forward thought, I'm channelling the future, and from the sounds of it, this is what I am supposed
to be doing, and disbelief of what i do in direct contact with me makes me incredibly unsure of myself,
and and and....I cant be constantly trying to persuade you of my point of view so that I can have a Priest
(not the religious kind) beside me, when it feels as if I have a Christian pointing his finger at me screaming
witch, when I could be called a Christian as well. I just take this extremely seriously, to the point where I am working on understanding some very deep things about humans and our role in the universe, about how we relate, about our affects on the world and each other. I am so spiritual/religious although I don't like to use the term religion, because standard religion has done so much damage to the way we think and relate to God/Higher Self, I am so spiritual/religious that it comes into all aspects of my life, and for me to have a non-deep relationship feels as if i am sticking my pinky toe into a vast ocean that I want to leap into, the disparity of what is going on and what could be going on is crushing to my soul. I lose my confidence around you, because you do not have confidence in what I do, I can't have this in every part of my life, I need a certain amount of space where I can feel some self respect for what I do and if its only at home, and alone, that is going to be the case. I am not crazy, nor am i a loon,
Your interests do not coincide with mine, i feel a constant struggle when you continue to bring up petty thievery when such acts have affected my life in a negative way, which might be some sort of soul purging, testing, but I can not deal with it, it hurts me that you would value things so lightly, what you do so lightly that you would do this sort of stuff, so that you could buy a coffee when I made sure you have instant coffee and a kettle in the truck.
I feel the dominance coming on, and I have to stop that. I am not able to take care of another person, I am already doing my best to take care of my child and what responsibilities, few as they may seem to you, I have, or take part in a relationship the way you want me to. I am not that available, I need a huge amount of time to myself/my soul to self work, to self improvement. Even with the 12 steps. If I didnt do it your way, it was not the right way and I had to hunt and search for the path I took just so I could explain it to you so that you could value it. If I open my mouth you have an argument for what I say. I am constantly wrong in your opinion and that woulds me a great deal. I can not deal with mentally critical, I am too imaginative, too rational at the same time. I can not write an essay each time we have an argument to bring my points forth in a valid manner to you, especially when you run for the Bible and speak to
me of things that I know very deeply, but you are unwilling to feel deeply about, you just read the words, not their meaning. this especially is painful to me, you are using the same evidence as I am and we are seeing two totally different things.
For example. the term acceptance. From what I have read in many places this is supposed to be acceptance of what is going on at a physical level (the crap that is happening). Not much is said about the fact that you are supposed to be accepting your Self and your feelings at the same time. Accepting the bad is allowing it to go on and on and on. Accepting the self that says this shouldnt be happening? Not the normal thought. I accept my Self, and she is telling me various things about this reality,
our multidimensionality that are having profound affects on my world. I'm visiting the stars,...music has so much meaning to me, every song is about Awakening, and you are wanting me to fall asleep, everyone seems to want me to fall asleep, and to fall asleep is to let the world carry on in the way it is doing, to not care. I care about the universe, I care very deeply, I care about "All that Is" which is my more comfortable words for the term "God"
Remember when your girlfriend wanted you to be like Eminem? What is he singing about? He is singing about having a profound impact on his world....its not just all sex and guns, He is a manifestor, what he thinks becomes reality, and he is telling us about how our expectations affect how we perceive the world and that although we have a collective of shared perceptions that make up the greater reality, we each have our own "secret" world where we can have a degree of control of our own life, about what we see, about what we find.....Christ was talking about this. the miracles. the miracles are starting to happen, and unless you are along for the ride, in belief, I can be with you, because it feels as if a huge spirit is coming into me, and if you do not accept this same spirit, this same bond with life that I have, it would be as if I were jewish and you were christian, and jews refuse to marry outside of their faith, just as you said catholics do (not to bring up vague dischord by using the word Jew)
I hope this explains my dilema somewhat.
Love & Sadness
K
honey. i don't want to know the old god, he is tired of people not knowing him well enough. On the other hand I hope you get to learn about the personal God which the Bible talks about. Or in ways I hope you don't because I am not sure you would be able to deal with that, and perhaps that is the reason why you are unable to listen to me, there is alot of processing that would have to be going on and you have to walk through the shadow of death and realize you are holding your own hand.
what would Jesus do? He would not continue carrying on a discusion with someone who is most likely unlikely to stop this discussion without winning tto consider it over. So, you have won, I will not try to persuade you any more, nor do i wish you to pray for me, atlhough i can not stop you from doing anything you wish to do. something in me says i have a rresponsibility to you, but i can not carry you home as Rumi did, that is the final question. Are I willing to realize that this fight is not going to be won, nor do i need to win you away from the catholic church with their priestly forgiveness, when self forgiveness is what that is working towards,
you live in the world of a mediated god when i want to be with god personally. I want him driving if im navigating, or navigating if im driving, i want him sitting beside me at dinner, and sleeping with me at night, and I am under the impression that you would not be able to be with me on that and not willing to wait for years until you achieve (and this is being hopeful, and thinking that i would win an argument you will not let me win) this mindset. because if you dont want to go there, you will not go there, you will go to church and be a good catholic boy on sundays, which is just fine, Don, its healthy. Healthy the way 95% of the population is. Spirit says i am taking advantage of you by leaving you and not hanging around with this physical body until everything is done, but i refuse to lose my artist and she would have gone down the drain with you and i would have ended up in a place i should not be.
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