24103 Blog Feed: paraZia 2008-06-17 07:06:56 paraZia Your e-mail address 97827 2008-05-17 05:46:54
I've only just gotten home now, and thought i would write. Can't stay long, am going out again soon!!

XXXX peace out ]]> 97590 2008-05-16 12:17:31  Today was a really WEIRD day...

I went to work as usual after being up late last night on the phone to Aidan, i felt like it was the first time we'd really opened up to eachother. Convo has always been good, but this was really fresh and funny, with no hesitation.

Dad had came home from  a work trip in Canberra last night, so we caught up for lunch. I was in the carilon arcade food court, and i got us a table while dad went and got chinese. This guy, named Bart (??? lol) walked over and sat down. The conversation went a lil like this
He said "hey, so what are we having for lunch today?"
"chinese" i said with a lil laugh in my voice.
 "nice! so are we waiting for the boyfriend?"
"no, my dad actually"
"nice so i get to meet the parents on our first date" he said while he smiled at me.
at that point i introduced myself and found out his name. He asked me what i did and i told him i was working, he said he had the day off work today.. He said goodbye and left.

Shortly after dad came with lunch, and i told him about it, he laughed. About ten minutes later Bart walks back over, and introduces himself to my dad, then comments on how good the chinese looks, and walks off again.

Dad and i finish lunch, and as we leave the food court, he walks past me and slips me his number. I'd seen him coming from about 20 metres away, he had left the food court himself, i think to find a store that would give him paper and a pen LOL

On the way back to work i txtd him and said "Hey, this is my number. have a good day off. Caris :) " He txtd bak and we started chatting. Conversation went from rugby teams, which made us realise we're both from the Eastern states, him more specifically Merimbula, "no way!" i thought, as it's a small place, and my cousins grew up there, and still live there.. We used to visit them like 2-3 times a year sometimes. Turns out he used to live next door to my grandma in Pambula, and did surf life saving with my cousins!!! WTF? On top of that, he now lives in my suburb only a few streets away WWWTTTFFFFFFFF#$@$%^^^$%@#$

******************
Tonight was ok. My parents went to the welshs for drinks with the D's, i went up to say hi etc, and they'd been drinking so it was funny. I was meant to see Aidan at 8pm, but we didn't end up seeing eachother until 9.15... Because i ran out of credit, and couldn't txt him to say pick me up.. And he fell asleep waiting for my reply, until i borrowed my brother's mobile and called him. LOL
We picked up some chronic, went to his place, chopped and watched metapocalypse, and aqua teen hunger force- both pretty awesome.  Either way, he dropped me home at around 11pm, and i think he's annoyed at me because i always leave early, and i think he feels like i dont want to be wth him, it's tough, but as i've learnt, i'm not ready, and i know i'm not. So it's tearing me up.
I hope he understands me, but i feel like as much as i'm not ready, i havent been single in so long, as much i want him, i want freedom. i couldn't give him what he wants anyways.


<>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<><>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<>.<>
P.S- I didn't write entries on these days, so a recap, on wednesday night, i went out with Sean and we had a chop behind the church. Jay called me, and asked me if i wanted to get lunch the next day. On thursday i went to work and Jay met me, we went to the pancake parlour. It was really good to see him, he's doing well for himself.. And as much as i'm not interested in more than a friendship, i feel like he just wants to stay a part of my life if he can't be with me, which is a nice feeling.

I'm seeing Jay tomorrow night also. and i forgot to mention, the guy who slipped me his number, Bart, is taking me out on Tuesday next week XD

Anyways, I'm heading off to bed, night all

 Jay, 15th May 2008- st georges tce on a bus

 Bart, 16th May 2008- his place???

Amber (work collegue), 15th May (her 25th)- lunch room
 
]]> 95909 2008-05-12 10:02:46
I went to work as usual, as dad was away i had my coffee at the usual place, and then spent 9am-6pm working my ass off.. I was talking to Aidan via text messages all day, and made plans for this evening.

When i got home i went to his place, and we had a couple of "sandwiches" (im censoring bad words tee hee), and then watched GRANDMA'S BOY, which btw, if any of you haven't seen it, it is the most awesome stoner movie ever- worth while watch eh.

And now, i'm home. Sean was online, and wasn't happy with me STILL, about Aidan, telling me the fight is not about Aidan, specifically, more that i haven't acknowledged his feelings... Which i have, i think he's being irrational, to some degree i understand, feeling left out between people he introduced to one another, it sucks, its happened to me before, but it's no excuse to act like a 6 year old who just had their favourite teddy bear ripped out of their arms.. He's acting like he is in a position to have the right to say who i see and don't. And he claims it isn't about that either, but the way he is approaching this argument, seems that way.

And his stories aren't staying straight. First he tells me it's about keeping his friendship circles separate, then he tells me it's because he wanted to cut them off, but if he was planning on cutting them off, why does it matter if i see Aidan?

And cutting people off doesn't always take months of planning, and an official "dont call me anymore" conversation, it's possible to drift away slowly, which seems like they were doing anyway, so why is it such a big deal?

Anyway, i could write about different views on mine on this for hours, but i mustn't get too absorbed as i will miss my beauty sleep, which i need if i'm to get up early to go to the gym tomorrow.

Goodnight bubs
xox ]]> 95386 2008-05-10 20:15:26 My weekend has been good. On friday night after work had finished, i was on my way home, and that guy on the bus and train was staring at me, as usual, letting me off the bus first etc, i usually look away when i catch him looking at me on the train, this time i held eye contact, he didn't let it go either, we both smiled, and went back our to ipods and phones. As i got off the train at warwick, i looked back, and he waved >.< it was cute.

Afterwards, i hung out with Sean, we had a chop, and watched ninja scrolls at my place.

I spent Saturday morning with Aidan, until about 11, we just chilled at his place, and had a couple of cones. Then went to Fremantle with Iain, again, we went to the markets, got fish and chips and found mother's day presents ( i also bought a quilt and key ring). The train trip back held interesting conversation. He asked me if Alex ever found out about me and him, i said i had never told him, that i always wanted to, but for his friendships sake i didn't.

Saturday night, i was taken to dinner, by Aidan, i think i may have explained this situation before, but he's an ex work collegue of one of my friends, Sean, who is overly protective of me, and treats me like property from time to time. Sean has this jealousy issue with me hanging out with Aidan, he reckons "Aidan's my friend first, and i never introduced you because i intended for you to never hang out blah blah blah wah wah wah he's my friend not yours! you can't have him" (seriously what he said minus the "wah wah wah blah blah blah", although more bitching would be in it's place)

He had a massive go at me about it a couple of weeks ago, claiming he gave me Aidan's number for the soul purpose of picking up drugs, or dropping them off, depending on what's going around. The thing is, i got his number from Lucas, and never used it, Aidan on the other hand, got my number from Lucas also, and texted me looking for weed, when he wasn't even a smoker, just so he could see if something would start, so why am i the one catching all the blame?.. It just feels so stupid to me, that Sean reckons he can put dibs on people?

Anywho, i came on to write about my weekend, not bitch, So, Aidan took me out to dinner last night, we went to the kingsley pub, it was a really nice dinner. Afterwards, we watched 28 days later, and talked. I went home early, was tired, i wish i wasn't sucha  granny!! I'm only 17 and im going home to bed at 10.30!! grrr i hate working as much as i do sometimes.

If anyone has any idea on how to deal with a pocessive friend, hit me back!! I'm so clueless!!! I'm meant to be seeing Sean today, and i intend to speak with him about this Aidan thing..

Enjoy the rest of your weekends. XX ]]> 93078 2008-05-04 10:16:19  This weekend was okay, i spent yesterday in Fremantle with Iain & Rueben (two old friends of mine, people i don't see often enough). We went to time zone, got fish and chips for lunch on the wharf, watched a pirate street perform and wandered through the b shed markets...
The three of us agreed on taking a holiday to Tokyo at the end of next year.
Other than that i saw Sean, had a few sessions, and i just got home from fergy's place. I spent this morning cleaning my room, which it really needed! I also got myself into a little bit of trouble... You see... My next door neighbor is a f*kn pig (copper, policeman), and i so happened to be playing "f*ck the police" a NBA cover done by rage against the machines very loudly with my window open, and my window back onto his back yard, where he happened to be.. So now i'm going to stand out like a sore thumb to him.. shit...
Anyways, it seems like bed time to me, sorry it's such a small one. (*.*) <3 XXX

 ]]> 92501 2008-05-02 11:16:18 There's one person who will most definately read this.. and that person will know this is directed at them. Anyways, I'm sorry our timing was once again off, and for the record, making that decision against it WAS in fact the right choice, as the last two weeks has re-demonstrated to me.. Wish it didn't take me two go's to understand I'm not ready..

Over the past few weeks i have been seeing my long running friend, Monte, a lot.. It turned into something momentarily, over night.. The first weekend was lively and happy, and so much fun.. But i believe it may not have been for the right reasons, maybe we both wanted it so badly, that it seemed real for a little while... The next week (last week) was painful for me, because i already felt he didn't have time enough for a girlfriend, i was constantly up tight, because he wouldn't reply to my messages, i didn't know what i did wrong... When we did speak, he apoligised and said "shit is hectic babe"... i kept thinking.. life is never too hectic to take two minutes out to txt your girlfriend..

I stayed at his place last night, and it was fun at first, we watched 'voices of a distant star', had dinner together, and went to bed early, and cuddled, played GTA IV (which is killer btw)... By about mid night, we were lying in bed, both looking directly up at the ceiling, and the conversation quickly focused on our relationship.. We spoke of past loves, and issues of our own, and realised, that although some things felt right, some things didn't, and probably never would.. He's still held up on his exe.. and i, well i feel too damaged right now, i feel lost enough as it is.. And i think one of my problems is i use relationships to avoid dealing with my own issues, and i can't keep turning away.. As much as i completely agree with him, we shouldn't be together, it's caused much more pain to surface.. Coming to terms with my reality is hard to do, for me anyways..

Alot of detail is left out of this short explaination, i can't fully comprehend what's in my mind right now.. I'm glad that monte and i have agreed to stay friends- we've known each other so long, we left it at it was fun while it lasted. When i woke up this morning, Monte rolled over, gave me a hug and we got out of bed, just in the change of status had our friendship revived.

My one concern w/ monte is.. Will we continue to be friends, or will we drift because of it? time will tell.. ]]> 86129 2008-04-13 10:43:46
I haven't been this happy in a long time.. ]]> 85797 2008-04-12 01:18:13
I've been on the phone with Damo, a friend of mine and Jay's.. He is a wonderful guy, does some stupid stuff sometimes, but has a good heart.. We spoke about Jay, I mentioned everything he's been doing.. Calling me to start fights at whatever i say, and then making it my fault.. Texting me constantly and asking to hang out, only to cancel plans last minute, which is fine, because after the first few times i realised exactly how much bullshit and mind f*cks he's trying to pull, and started playing him back in a way.. He'd ask me to hang out, i would say yes, but never intend to, souly because if i said no, or claimed i was busy too many times he would turn around and have a go at me for that.. So i played along, and gave him the satisfaction of "winning".. Damo confirmed my theories of Jay doing all this, not out of good reason, or just plain old heart break.. He is doing it to intentionally fuck me around, he thinks i fucked him over so many times in the past, while we were dating, that it's his turn to fuck me over.. What he doesn't realise is, as much as what he is doing is painful in some sense, knowing that someone i loved so much could try to do this to me, but overall, i don't care. I know the score, i know what i did for him, and what he didn't do for me, i know i never cheated, lied or fucked him around intentionally, and i know he has been less than honest to me in the past.. If he wants to turn me into the bad guy so he can feel better, fine, do it, but he hasn't just lost me, he's loosing other people's respect in the process.. Damo wants nothing to do with him, he's being plain disrespectful to all the people who ever really helped him out.

On a brighter note, i went out with Monte and John last night to a party, i ended up staying up all night at Monte's just talking, and catching up on each others lives and where we've been, it's amazing how fast you can get back into such a tight friendship, without much contact for some time.  ]]> 85211 2008-04-10 10:03:59 SIGHS, I have found myself yet again addicted... I can't help it, i can't stop going onto madman website and buying anime movies! This morning i woke up and then first thing i did was log onto the net and buy akira, ghost in a shell and ninja scrolls (which shame on me i didn't have), voices of a distant star and dead leaves! I can't wait til next week. man im such a dork.

So i was at my mates place tonight smo.. lets say, "eating sandwiches", so moral of the story, i'm not very sober.
 NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA NINJA 
     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA     NINJA

Just wanted to trip out for a moment. hahhaha ]]> 84436 2008-04-08 10:33:17
I know it's stupid for me to think this way, and the logical answer would be yes to all of the above, but i just can't shake feeling slightly guilty.. Why do i feel like the bad guy? My friend told me it was because i am emotionally connected to the situation, i care about his feelings in the outcome, and that he doesn't care about mine, making me come off short in the arguments..

btw, a few blogs back i tried to give you all a link to my "glog" (Visual blog thingo).. It didn't work, because i wasn't sober.. so I am re posting it in this blog.

http://parazia.glogster.com/profile/ ]]> 82613 2008-04-03 19:35:00  So I'm a bit sad, and very angry today. Last night i recieved a call from Jay, asking me to get him drugs, I said no and he went off at me calling me names, saying really hurtful things.. Telling me that i was fucking him around, and that i never intended to see him that night.. I didn't tell him, but if i didnt intend to see him, then why the fuck did i wear his favourite perfume, and the ring he gave me?... Eventually he apoligised, calmed down, and we said goodbye. This morning, i wake up and i have a txt message from him saying "Is that offer once i get my act together still ok?" (which btw, when i broke up with him i told him to "call me when he got his shit together") And i said no, not because i don't want to, not because i've been leading him on, because i haven't.. I wanted.. Want him back.. But how does he expect me to say yes, when everytime we speak he yells at me, and calls me names?.. It's unfair on me, and yes, i did say to call me, but that was when his attitude towards me was loving and open... Now he's cold and bitter..

After i told him no, i recieved another message telling me never to contact him again, and that i am dead to him now..
I feel like a fool, i spent so long with him, and devoted all my energy to him, to help him suceed in life, and to be more than he thought he was ever capable of being... And now, I'm dead to him. I know he's being irrational and childish, it's just I've been dealing with his childish antics for about a month now, and there's only so much shit i can take after a shit filled relationship. How can he put me in the wrong, when all i have ever done is keep my word, stand up for him, and push him in the right direction?.. How is this suddenly all my fault? How is it my wrong..

He told me that I thought of him as another "notch on my belt"..  HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN AYONE ELSE THAT I WASN'T AROUND FOR SEX!!.. I was meant to see him on the weekend, and hopefully see things out.. But not anymore.. 

I will do as he said, and not contact him, and i can tell you now, i will hear from him again.. The question is, will i answer my phone or not? I want so much to talk to him, and sort things out, but i don't see the point anymore, i've been struggling for that for so long now..

How do i deal with this? I wish so badly that i could call him, tell him i still love him, and have everything to be okay again, but it never will be now..

"It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time".. ]]> 80737 2008-03-29 16:05:00 80675 2008-03-28 22:25:00
I don't know what to do. Life has been good, but i feel so bad. I'm single, today is my 20th day without cigs, and i got a payrise this week... Why am i so upset? Does anybody understand this? Please, because i don't.. I dont know what this date thing is, but its a day slow. Its the 29th, Saturday, and it's 11:20am ]]> 78734 2008-03-23 09:33:56  Tonights been difficult, I've been on and off in tears about Jay. Last night we were fine, he was hugging me and i didn't admit it, and still wouldn't to my friends, but i never wanted to let go, and i knew he didn't. But tonight for some reason, he was angry, and i tried find out why, but he hung up on me.. That was the catalyst of tears.
Then i call him back, and when he finally answers, confesses that he still loves me, tells me he's getting his life on order for one reason, he hopes that by doing that he will win me back, he asked me not to tell him whether he was being dilusional in thinking that or not, he said he didn't want to know, if it was keeping him motivated. He hangs up on me again, and about half an hour ago, when i'd caved into a bad mood and had gone to have a couple of cones with Sean, he texts me saying...

"It's jason sorry but every minute i talk to u hurts. I still love u"

I immediately became sober, and started crying again, and that's where i am now, home, sober again, sad, again and wondering where this leaves me, where it will lead me and how i will handle it all. ]]> 78322 2008-03-22 11:10:31  I've just found this website which allows you to visual blog, if you want to check mine out..

http://parazia.glogster.com/profile/
 ]]> 78170 2008-03-21 22:44:41  
 
God grant me the serenity to accept the things, I cannot change 
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
& the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today that pissed me off. 

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tommorow. 

Help me, to always give 100% at work. 
12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 10% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. 

And help me to remember that, when I an having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off
that it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 1 to extend my middle finger and say bite me. 



AMEN
]]> 77018 2008-03-20 06:47:42  SEMPRE A SALIENCIA ]]> 76358 2008-03-18 09:37:34 Today was strange in many ways, my morning started so badly! Woke-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed special! Anyways,  when i finally woke up towards the end of my shift at work (lol) i got a message from Sean, telling me he'd bought a me a stick, and these candy coated chocolate easter eggs he'd mentioned the night previous. I now had plans for the night. I was pondering all day on Blade, who asked me on a date aswell... I listen to this gay radio station at work, 6ix, FM on AM!! lol. We have it on at work basically because every song is going to be [G] rated! And the cue-to-call was played (It's a comp they run everyday, when a certain song is played, it's the cue to call, and they request either caller 1,2,3 etc.. And if your that number caller, you win something. I called, having to be caller 8, and was caller 4, and was told by the d.j to try again, so i hung up and pressed redial, and was caller 8! lol. I won tickets to the movies. I'm a little pissed off though because everyone assumes my name is PARIS!! GRR, but either way, there's a voice clip i will attempt to post. so if your better at using THOUGHTS than me, you'll be able to find it! ]]> 75986 2008-03-17 08:48:28  I'm letting all of you out there know how proud of myself i am. For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, would know exactly how many months it took me to put my foot down to jay and say enough if enough, we're through. And as much as it's been over for at least a couple of weeks, and of course i didn't have any doubts this time, it just fell into place, which seems to be the way with me, i have trouble letting go, but once i make a firm desision, it all goes according to plan, and it's easy, tonight is the night i've sat here and thought "Holy shit! I've done it".. I'm also very proud because i've managed to give up the cancer sticks. I'm on my 9th day tomorrow, so i've made it 8 days, and if i can do 8 days, i've done it! I know this for the same reason as i know jay and i are over, once it's done, it's done. And on top of that.. Last time i tried to quit, i was standing in front of the pantry for about ten minutes, when my mum asked me "what are you doing?" and i turned around burst into tears and said "I can't decide what to have for lunch!!" And that was only about 4 hrs into quitting. lol. This has been breezy! I'm working out again. And i'm making a promise to all you readers out there, by the end of 2008, i will be fit, in shape, healthy and a no smoker still!!!

GOODNIGHT> And my support goes out to any how is quitting ciggarretes, or anything else.. Or getting over that person who they love so much, but know if poison to them. ]]> 75367 2008-03-15 05:08:50  So i was feeling guilty about no writitng, so i thought i should seeing as so much is happening, and i do actually have alot to say.

Jay has officially gone off the planet. He got his mum (who's 70, used to be a nun, devout christian, and he's on thin ice with her anyway) to take him to the chemist and buy travacalm (which for those who don't know, is a travel sickness tablet, ten to the pack and fairly cheap aswell, which make you absolutely trip out! a couple visual trips and it manages to space people out to the point where they can't string a sentence together), his mother found out.


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